'Hilarious' DAILY MAIL 'Very entertaining' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Sunday, 25 June 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 42)

MONDAY
Licked the telly when the ice cream advert came on. Hope Mummy doesn’t buy that brand as it tasted fucking horrible.

TUESDAY
I wish Daddy would get some pants that fit him. Every time I throw something on the floor he bends over and that hairy arsecrack is right in my face. At one point I thought I was about to meet a new sibling.

WEDNESDAY
At the park Daddy kept putting me on the little slide even though I’ve made it clear since I was about 8 months that the little slide is, quite simply, bollocks. Slumped down it a couple of times and then ran off towards the big slide. He said I couldn’t go on it and I was too little but I started climbing up the steps because sometimes I don’t care and there was kids behind me so he couldn’t get to me and he looked a bit worried but I knew I’d be okay and then I got to top of the steps and just as everyone was looking at me and it was my big moment to shine I suddenly and quite dramatically needed a poo so started squeezing out something that felt like the size of my head. Finished my poo and then slid down the big slide like a total champ but could feel it all squish around in my pants like hot play-doh so the whole experience was quite bitter-sweet to be honest.

THURSDAY
How dare the Big People give a book that I’m not reading and don’t like anyway to somebody else? Just because I’ve shown no interest, left the room and started doing something different doesn’t mean I’m not still reading it.

FRIDAY
When I grow up I’m going to design tables and make sure none of them have fucking corners on them. Bastards.

SATURDAY
Wanted to take Teddy to playgroup but they wouldn’t let me so I screamed and they gave me the old ‘he’ll be here when we get back’ horseshit. (They said the same thing about that snowman we built last year and he buggered off so quickly he even forgot his own nose, the fool!) I screamed and sobbed and lay down on the floor and kicked my legs but they stood firm so I kicked a bit more and then realised I was moving backwards across the carpet which hurt my back so I stopped kicking and just screamed louder instead. Was just about to stop because the whole scene was getting a little bit embarrassing and I didn’t want to miss playgroup but then they completely gave in and said I could take him. (Was pleased to learn this ‘Armageddon Tactic’ actually works as results have been mixed so far.) Anyway, it was great showing Teddy around playgroup. I introduced him to everyone and had a lovely time putting him in the cars and pushing him around. I love Teddy more than anything and I’d be lost without him although somehow managed to completely forget he existed so we left without him and I only realised when we were back in the car so we all had to get out again and rush back in and we couldn’t find him until I saw a little girl kissing him and feeding him cups of tea so I calmly explained to her there’d been a simple misunderstanding while I yelled and flung my arms about and grabbed Teddy’s legs but she wouldn’t let go and we’re both pulling at him and thankfully he ripped a bit and she lost her grip and fell over and we all went home.

SUNDAY
I’m sure I overheard them discussing taking my dummy away soon. If they remove my dummy, I’ll remove their remote control. Simple. We all have our vices.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram  )

Friday, 23 June 2017

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week


1. Hearing a mother angrily shout at HER KID who has YOUR NAME will shit you right up.

2. Until my kids were born I’d never witnessed a turd leaving it’s natural habitat. Now I've seen it more than Eastenders.

3. The most relaxing thing as a new parent is a hard day at work.

4. It’s worth having twins just to hear them blame farts on each other.

5. In the right mood, a two year old will still give you a really nice hug. And it’s the best 0.3 seconds of the day.

(I post regular blogs to my FB page...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram )

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 41)

MONDAY
Had the runs today. Arse was out of control. Every fart felt like Russian Roulette. At the dinner table I pushed out something that felt like soup so Daddy took my pants off and I sharted down his arm. He looked like Mummy when she tried that cheap spray tan.

TUESDAY
Started to feel sick at lunch so made sure I ate loads more food than usual and asked for seconds and drank extra juice. Was tucking into my third waffle when I did a weird cough which morphed into a puke which went on forever and definitely lasted longer than some of my naps. Tried to polish off the waffle in between bouts of retching but the bastards took it off me and then I puked all over my plate and they took that away even though I clearly hadn’t finished and I tried to tell them but they said eating your own sick is bad for you which is rubbish as I’ve seen the dog do it and he’s always wagging his tail.

WEDNESDAY
Woke up feeling brilliant. Stood up in cot, giggling my head off. Tripped over duvet. Twatted head on side of cot. Started crying. Mummy came in so I jumped up again, feeling better. With all the excitement and emotion I fell back and twatted my head a second time on the headboard. Started screaming. Godawful start to the day. The world can be a cruel place sometimes.

THURSDAY
Some of the banter in this house stinks worse than the nappy bin. Got asked today, ‘Are you eating a banana?’ Well Daddy, let’s review the evidence shall we? You’ve just given me a banana, and I’ve taken a bite out of said banana. So in summary, yes – I’m eating a fucking banana. How on earth you convinced Mummy to shack up with you with such woeful patter is frankly beyond me.

FRIDAY
Been experimenting with walking on my tip toes. It feels good. In fact, scratch that – it feels GREAT. Why doesn’t everyone do it? Plus now I can reach all the dangerous stuff they thought was out of reach, like wine and scissors.

SATURDAY
Slept in today till 5.20am. Felt quite lazy but sometimes you just need a bit of ‘me’ time to recharge the batteries.

SUNDAY
Did a poo today that was so difficult I’m pretty sure it came out sideways. Turned my face away from everyone so they wouldn’t know it was me but it proper stank so I denied it for ages and left the room for a bit to lie low and let the heat die down. Managed to evade the authorities for ages but then got stuck between the sofa and the bookcase so had to shout and wait for help to arrive and by then it had started climbing up my back so I kept denying it but then it started to leak so I blamed it on Mummy.

(I've been posting all the time on my FB page but have neglected to upload them to my website - apologies! And you can expect a flurry of blogs over the next week, Sam x)

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.My bum crack makes so many unwanted appearances at the soft play centre I'm surprised it hasn't got it's own membership card.

2.How can a sweet, beautiful baby honk like a Megabus shitter?

3.Shouting "I'VE GOT A RED NEE-NAW!" as an adult sounds like you're admitting to an STD.

4.A toddler has no respect for a hangover.

5.My standards continue to nosedive. I asked my wife is there was 'much' poo on the bedsheet. (Note to self: ANY amount is WAY too much.)

6.Toy negotiations in our house are more complex than the Middle East peace process.

7.Telling your lad that 'big boys wear vests' sounds like a Judas Priest b-side.

8.I asked one twin to share his Shreddies with his brother. You'd think I'd asked him to hack his own arm off.

9.Trying to dress little people as they whizz through your legs on a bike makes you feel like you've joined the fucking circus.

10.I know it's only an advert but that Pampers one for premature nappies gets me every time 😢

(I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...you can also find me on Instagram)

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 40)

MONDAY
Went to feed the ducks this morning. Had a mouthful of seeds when no-one was looking but they were proper minging. Tried to spit them out but they all got stuck to my mouth so started crying which made them stick to my face. Thankfully, managed to get back in the game with a couple of wet-wipes and a quick cuddle. Anyway, the ducks were all dead sound and happy to wait for the next handful but then this big mad goose came over and jumped the queue, flapping it’s wings and shouting like Rambo and I wasn’t bothered till it hissed right in Daddy’s face and then he picked me up and we started running and this goose was chasing us and then another one joined in and now there’s six of the mad fuckers chasing us across the mud and Daddy slipped in dog shit and his sandwich fell out of his bag so the geese all stopped and started fighting over it. I think Daddy was crying. He must have really wanted that sandwich.

TUESDAY
Had beans on toast for tea. Wasn’t in the mood so starting flicking food onto the floor. Daddy told me that I shouldn’t ‘flick the bean’ and then went red and tried to say it differently which made Mummy collapse in fits of laughter. I know my sense of humour is developing but how on earth is that funny?

WEDNESDAY
Had so much fun playing with a balloon. Throwing, kicking, grabbing, slapping. Sat on it for ages and rolled round on top. Humped it for a bit too, until Mummy stopped me. Sat on it again and was laughing my little head off till the bastard thing suddenly noisily disappeared. Shit me right up. Haven’t been that scared since I couldn’t find my willie in Starbucks.

THURSDAY
Didn’t touch my own food but demolished Mummy’s. What can I say? Food tastes nicer off other people’s plates. Fact.

FRIDAY
Today was total shit. Hated everything we did and every suggestion that was made. Daddy offered me a drink and I cried so hard I could feel myself withering away. Got so fucked off at one point I ran into the wall.

SATURDAY
Today was the day – I finally ran loose at the supermarket! Been planning it for ages: when to escape, where to go, how to evade recapture. Of course, in the heat of the moment the careful plan all went to shit so I just legged it down the aisle where they keep the bananas and dived behind the spam. I wasn’t sure they were even taking my escape seriously as they didn’t break into a jog or raise their voice until I tried to jump onto another trolley that was going the other way and that’s when they ran over and took me back into custody.

SUNDAY
Was playing with my trains in the lounge when I heard Daddy carefully pouring a bowl of cereal on the other side of the house through two closed doors and the telly on really loud. Ran into the kitchen and the coward hid the food behind his back. I cried and pointed to let him know the game was up and that I wasn’t leaving the room under any circumstances till he cut me into the deal. After what felt like literally seconds he said I could just have one but I managed to eat more than half the bowl. I love sharing.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram )