'Hilarious' DAILY MAIL 'Very entertaining' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.My bum crack makes so many unwanted appearances at the soft play centre I'm surprised it hasn't got it's own membership card.

2.How can a sweet, beautiful baby honk like a Megabus shitter?

3.Shouting "I'VE GOT A RED NEE-NAW!" as an adult sounds like you're admitting to an STD.

4.A toddler has no respect for a hangover.

5.My standards continue to nosedive. I asked my wife is there was 'much' poo on the bedsheet. (Note to self: ANY amount is WAY too much.)

6.Toy negotiations in our house are more complex than the Middle East peace process.

7.Telling your lad that 'big boys wear vests' sounds like a Judas Priest b-side.

8.I asked one twin to share his Shreddies with his brother. You'd think I'd asked him to hack his own arm off.

9.Trying to dress little people as they whizz through your legs on a bike makes you feel like you've joined the fucking circus.

10.I know it's only an advert but that Pampers one for premature nappies gets me every time 😢

(I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...you can also find me on Instagram)

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 40)

MONDAY
Went to feed the ducks this morning. Had a mouthful of seeds when no-one was looking but they were proper minging. Tried to spit them out but they all got stuck to my mouth so started crying which made them stick to my face. Thankfully, managed to get back in the game with a couple of wet-wipes and a quick cuddle. Anyway, the ducks were all dead sound and happy to wait for the next handful but then this big mad goose came over and jumped the queue, flapping it’s wings and shouting like Rambo and I wasn’t bothered till it hissed right in Daddy’s face and then he picked me up and we started running and this goose was chasing us and then another one joined in and now there’s six of the mad fuckers chasing us across the mud and Daddy slipped in dog shit and his sandwich fell out of his bag so the geese all stopped and started fighting over it. I think Daddy was crying. He must have really wanted that sandwich.

TUESDAY
Had beans on toast for tea. Wasn’t in the mood so starting flicking food onto the floor. Daddy told me that I shouldn’t ‘flick the bean’ and then went red and tried to say it differently which made Mummy collapse in fits of laughter. I know my sense of humour is developing but how on earth is that funny?

WEDNESDAY
Had so much fun playing with a balloon. Throwing, kicking, grabbing, slapping. Sat on it for ages and rolled round on top. Humped it for a bit too, until Mummy stopped me. Sat on it again and was laughing my little head off till the bastard thing suddenly noisily disappeared. Shit me right up. Haven’t been that scared since I couldn’t find my willie in Starbucks.

THURSDAY
Didn’t touch my own food but demolished Mummy’s. What can I say? Food tastes nicer off other people’s plates. Fact.

FRIDAY
Today was total shit. Hated everything we did and every suggestion that was made. Daddy offered me a drink and I cried so hard I could feel myself withering away. Got so fucked off at one point I ran into the wall.

SATURDAY
Today was the day – I finally ran loose at the supermarket! Been planning it for ages: when to escape, where to go, how to evade recapture. Of course, in the heat of the moment the careful plan all went to shit so I just legged it down the aisle where they keep the bananas and dived behind the spam. I wasn’t sure they were even taking my escape seriously as they didn’t break into a jog or raise their voice until I tried to jump onto another trolley that was going the other way and that’s when they ran over and took me back into custody.

SUNDAY
Was playing with my trains in the lounge when I heard Daddy carefully pouring a bowl of cereal on the other side of the house through two closed doors and the telly on really loud. Ran into the kitchen and the coward hid the food behind his back. I cried and pointed to let him know the game was up and that I wasn’t leaving the room under any circumstances till he cut me into the deal. After what felt like literally seconds he said I could just have one but I managed to eat more than half the bowl. I love sharing.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram )

Thursday, 11 May 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 39)


MONDAY
Went to soft play centre this morning and couldn’t wait to get on the slide. Was so excited to slide down in my super slidey pants and super slidey socks and I was flying down the slide and got a bit too excited and turned round halfway down and CUT MY FUCKING HEAD! How can you call it a ‘Soft Play’ when there’s hard bits all over the place? Cried so much I couldn’t breathe for a while. Got given a lollipop so stopped crying and started breathing. Tried to go back on the slide but wasn’t allowed with my lollipop. Finished lollipop quickly but STILL wasn’t allowed back on. Gutted because I’d wolfed down my lollipop and had my super slidey pants on. Started crying again. Wanted another lollipop but got offered fruit. FUCKING FRUIT! WITH A HEAD INJURY! Do me a favour. If I’m bleeding, I want sugar. Simple as. Cried all the way home in my super slidey pants.

TUESDAY
Another stand-off at lunchtime today. What can I say? Some days I like chicken, some days I don’t. Some days I like beef, today I preferred my shoe. Tomorrow I might fancy a bit of fried rubber with a side order of fuck all - who knows? I can’t help it if my tastebuds are all messed up. It’s Mother Nature, man.

WEDNESDAY
Had a raspberry conversation with my own arse this evening. We chatted about all sorts. Tried to start it up again later but things got a bit heated and I accidentally shat myself.

THURSDAY
Really want to go to nursery with no clothes on tomorrow. They probably won’t let me, as per usual. Why is this never an option? I reckon most people would prefer it. Might try and start a movement.

FRIDAY
Saw my own reflection whilst having a poo today. Christ almighty. Have I been pulling that face the whole time? I look like Mummy when she steps on Lego.

SATURDAY
Got subjected to the entire weekly shop again. Used to love those trolleys but I get so bored now. There’s endless havoc I could be unleashing around the supermarket but instead I’m treated like a prisoner. Was crying on the way out and some old lady said, ‘Ooh, he’s not a happy bunny is he?’ Of course I’m not fucking happy - I’m strapped to a barbaric metal contraption in the middle of Aldi while my little life passes me by. And if I don’t know you, don't touch my face, okay?

SUNDAY
The Big People need to get their stupid heads around the fact that sometimes I simply do not need or want to sleep. Just because I’m screaming, rubbing my eyes and yawning doesn’t mean I’m tired. Most of the time I’m just fuming that yet again, they’ve taken me away from playtime. There’s so much entertainment to be seen and when they incarcerate me in my cot I’m missing all the crucial parts. That mirror in the hallway? Incredible. Slapping the window sill? Priceless. Interrupting Daddy on the toilet? NEVER GETS OLD.

(I'm a parent blogger, stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post a new 'Secret Diary' to this FB page every Tuesday and I'm also on Instagram.

Monday, 8 May 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week


1.Which knobhead decided "taking candy from a baby" was easy? I tried to retrieve my own biscuit from a 2 year old and got a thick lip.

2.I view older kids in the wrong section of soft play centres on a par with war criminals.

3.I reckon when Shane from Westlife sings 'Wheels on the Bus' to his kids he stands up and changes key halfway through.

4.Forget baby wipes, some nappy changes need a Priest.

5.If you sing 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' to a screaming toddler, in just the right key, it has absolutely zero effect.

6.You know you're a modern parent when your kids falls over and you upload a pic to Instagram before picking them

7.I save the undies 'least likely to show the top of my arsecrack' for days at the play centre.

8.You can be so exhausted that you apologise to the dishwasher when you accidentally open it before it's finished.

9.If you spend shitloads of money taking your kids to an expensive zoo, their favourite animal will be a frigging duck.

10.There are two types of parents at the park:
- Those who push the roundabout
- Knobheads

I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

I'm rebranding, slightly!

*SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT KLAXON!*


I set up my social media pages years ago, waaaay before my kids were even a glint in my eye.

They were set up initally to post stuff about what gigs I was doing, links to Edinburgh Festival dates and short video clips of my stand up. As a jobbing comic, I thought it would be useful for promoters I didn’t currently work for to see what I was up to and if I was any good, it might lead to more work.

I barely posted anything.

Then my kids were born and I started the blog. At first I just posted that on my personal Facebook profile but a few months in I wondered if some people on my friends list were maybe getting a bit sick of scrolling through two solid months of posts about not-so-solid nappies.

That’s when I started posting my blog on my other accounts and in a quite startling development, the audience started to grow, especially on Facebook where there are now over 61k likes on the page.

Fast forward to now and I’ve posted nothing but my blog on social media for AT LEAST eighteen months, leaving any would-be stand up promoters to probably feel slightly confused when they land on my accounts to see what gigs I’m currently doing and instead find a long post about tantrums in Tesco.

So with that in mind, I’ve decided to rename my social media pages.

A recurring theme in my blog is my lack of understanding of what I’m doing (or ‘fuckwittery’ if you will) and my quest to learn. This has been something I’ve tried to cover most weeks in my ‘Things I Learned as a Parent’ posts.

So I’ve renamed my pages as…

*drum roll*

'The Learner Parent’ 😃

I think it's the perfect fit for my blog and the pages - I’ve been a parent for two years now and I’m still totally winging it. I've spoke to much more experienced parents who say they're still learning all the time as every phase throws up brand new challenges. I can’t ever forsee a time when I’m not a Learner Parent, whether I’m helping my kids move out or welcoming my first grandchild into the world.

Rest assured, it’s still Old Comedy Sam posting the usual blogs, ‘The Secret Diary’ every week and other assorted blatherings on parenthood.

Hope this all makes sense - thanks for reading this and all the other nonsense I post. It’s so heartening to know so many other people have similar struggles as myself and it’s great to share in the highs, lows, joys and frustration that this incredible thing gives us on a daily basis.
Sam (AKA The Learner Parent) x

p.s. If you want to find me on other social media I’m on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. I’m not on Snapchat as that place just looks bloody mental.

p.p.s. I nearly signed this off as ‘The Artist Formerly Known as Sam Avery Comedian’ but then realized how utterly wanky that sounds. And now I’ve written it here anyway. Should have just kept that bit to myself probably…