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'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 51)

I specifically asked for beans WITH toast and they gave me beans ON toast. Pricks. Then they wheeled out that trademark backtracking bullshit that the toast was unscathed (even though it was dripping in depraved bean juice) and that the beans were also fine (even though they’d been polluted to high buggery by that disgusting toast). Both items are quite lovely on their own but put them together and they become the stuff of nightmares, like Mummy with wine.
On the packed bus this morning I pointed directly at the large lady next to us and shouted MOO-COW dead loud. Mummy went bright red and told me to shush but this woman clearly had a picture of a moo-cow on her bag so I’m not sure what all the commotion was about to be honest.
Was messing about in bed tonight and Daddy told me to stop but I carried on jumping up and down with my blanket over my head while pretending to be a zoo. At this point he’d normally threaten to send me to bed but I was already in bed so I felt completely bulletproof and brimming with confidence so I poked my head out and I could see in his eyes that he was all out of options and his entire justice system had been crushed. Glorious!
Daddy told me not to go near the plug sockets. Funny, I’d never even noticed them before. Gonna investigate the shit out of them tomorrow.
Why do they waste their stupid adult breath asking me if I want a yoghurt? Of course I want a bloody yoghurt! Do they really think I was forcing that vile main course down my neck for any reason other than to engineer this archaic reward system in my favour?
Had some visitors come over with their kid who is the same age as me which, according to the Big People, is apparently all I need to be friends with someone these days. (Have they not heard of shared interests or repartee?) This new ‘friend’ of mine took great pleasure in playing with my favourite blue spade which normally wouldn’t have been a problem as I would have just violently snatched it back off her while screeching but she did it while I was having my nappy changed so there was fuck all I could do about it. She knew what she was doing, I’m sure of it, the little blue spade stealing bastard.
Mummy told me what that strange eleventh finger-thing between my legs is. Apparently it’s ‘my willie’ and ‘we all have them’ although I couldn’t find Mummy’s and Peppa Pig doesn’t appear to own one either. When I found Daddy’s I pointed and laughed and he probably thought it was just that toddler laugh I do when I discover new stuff but I honestly couldn’t believe how tiny his was.

Tuesday, 17 October 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 50)

Kicked off big style after bathtime so they sat me on the naughty step. Had no pants on so made a political statement by emptying my arse all over it. #fuckthepolice
It’s simply not enough that I have all the toys I want. Other people must also have toys. Not necessarily the toys they actually want but the toys that I want them to have. And this can change dramatically at any moment for absolutely no reason so keep the fuck up, bozos.
I wish everyone would stop telling me I can’t do stuff. It does my little tits in.
Back on the naughty step today. I really don’t understand how the good old fashioned bottom step is now suddenly the naughty step? It’s a joke really as it’s the very same step that Daddy sits on to tie his shoelaces and he never screams, sobs and then reluctantly apologises before he gets up like I have to.
Some little girl at the park had thrown her hat on the floor and her Mummy was telling her to pick it up but she wouldn’t pick it up so I walked towards them and also told her to pick it up while pointing my finger quite aggressively at nobody in particular, hoping that an extra voice would help resolve the situation. Daddy said it was rude for me to do that and then he started waffling a load of old shite about people in glass houses not throwing stones or something but I got bored so picked up an actual stone and tried to throw it at a dog and Daddy got annoyed again, even though we were nowhere near a frigging glass house. Once again, mixed messages from the Big People.
Had meatballs for lunch and they were bloody delicious. Kind of wish I hadn’t spent the last 18 months throwing them at the wall every time now.
Woke up super early as Daddy hadn’t shut the curtains properly so he took me downstairs and we watched telly for proper ages. Finished Season 4 of Bing (not as good as Season 3 IMHO – talk properly you animated arsehole!) and watched some old-skool, bootleg Mr Tumble on YouTube. Great morning. Think I’ll wake up early every single day from now on if that’s what happens.

Monday, 16 October 2017

8 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1. Never mind the big salaries at the BBC, I'm more annoyed they pissed money away making more than one episode of In The Night Garden.
2. That moment you're wolfing down your kid's leftovers and your partner says, 'They spat most of that out you know...'
3. This toddler 'mine' stage has gone supernova. My two year old just claimed both my feet were his.
4. My boys trying to feed yoghurt to their Nan over Skype is fucking hilarious. 🤣🤣
5. The day before the binmen come is like Christmas Eve in our house. That's not right.
6. My two year old has started carrying a croquet mallet everywhere with him, like some upper class Negan.
7. A piss stained bus stop is no place for a family picnic.
8. ME: What's the opposite of hot?
BOYS: Mummy!
Oh dear.

Sunday, 15 October 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 49)

Managed to evade capture from the authorities just before bathtime (while totally bollocko) so went and laid low under the Big People’s duvet. God knows how but I ended up INSIDE the fucking thing and couldn’t get out. Felt like I was lost inside a big fluffy cloud which was fun for a bit (three seconds) and then suddenly scary when I realised I was stuck. Mummy tried to coax me back to the opening but I was too busy screaming to listen to instructions so Daddy reached inside and said I was ‘like a bloody hamster’ (whatever that means) as he pulled me out. The whole experience was more traumatic than being born. Anyway, in the confusion I managed to lay some dirty cables inside the duvet. They won’t find those for ages.
Sneezed all over my toast so offered it to Mummy. She didn’t want it so I got upset and broke it into smaller pieces but astonishingly she still wasn’t keen so I lovingly ground it up into snotty toast dust and offered it to her again. She finally saw sense and accepted my generous offer although it turns out she was only PRETENDING to eat it because a few seconds later she stood up to put a load of snotty toast dust in the bin which was obviously mine so I screamed that, in fact, I wanted that snotty toast dust back if she wasn’t going to eat it so she put it back on my plate and I spent an absolute age licking my finger and finishing it off. Bon appetit!
Offered a pigeon a crisp today but he just flew away. Ungrateful git.
Daddy said I could have the telly on before bed and I got dead excited but then he went and ruined it by putting bloody Number Blocks on! Why the frig would I want to watch an educational show after a long day playing and learning? I know for a fact when Daddy gets in from work he doesn’t watch boring programmes about the complicated internal mechanisms of the European common market, he watches shite. So I want to watch shite too. And by shite, I mean In the Night Garden.
Was playing with the clothes pegs and pegging Daddy’s t-shirt and he was pretending he didn’t want to be pegged but I’m pretty sure he was playing along because I got about six on him and we were both laughing and having a lovely time and then I put a peg in my mouth and Daddy told me no but raised his voice ever so slightly so I panicked and let go and then HOLY FUCKING GREENDALE the bloody thing pegged my tongue! The pain was incredible but I couldn’t cry properly because I had a peg stuck to my tongue which threw me a bit and made me sound like an hysterical goose. Daddy got it off quite quickly and I calmed down and went back to pegging his t-shirt for a bit until I got bored and decided to put a peg on my lip to see if that hurt too. (It did.)
I can’t stand up on the sofa, you won’t let me throw toys at the glass window and I’m not allowed to shove my hands down my pants. So what you’re saying is, IF SOMETHING’S FUN, DON’T DO IT? Jesus. No wonder all the Big People drink.
Took the kite to the park which was the most excited I’d been since I found that old biscuit under the fridge but there was no wind so the whole trip was pointless. I tried to do a big fart but Mummy said we needed more wind than that so I suggested getting Daddy to come down because then we’d be in business but she said he was at work. As I was sobbing with disappointment she tried to blame something called ‘the weather’ but I wasn’t in the mood for the usual Big People spin tactics. Had my finger hovering over the tantrum button but called it off at the last second. Sometimes you’ve got to pick your battles.

Saturday, 14 October 2017

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1. Hell hath no fury like a toddler when you turn the telly off.
2. If you haven't sang 'Old Macdonald Had A Farm' all the way from M6 junction 12 to M62 junction 10, trust me - the time just flies by 😩
3. Some arguments my boys are now having with each other are ridiculous. A recent debate about whether a bus was a bus descended into full scale violence.
4. Standard conversation in our house...
ME: Are you having a poo, son?
*toddler's face changes actual shape while he grits his teeth and nearly pops an eyeball out*
SON: No?
5. Introduced the old Black Lace 'Superman' song to my kids and apparently the command just after 'Clean your teeth' is 'Kick Daddy in the bollocks.'