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Wednesday, 22 March 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 36)

MONDAY
It really boils my piss when the Big People laugh at my tantrums. I know to them it probably appears that I’m just losing my shit at every possible opportunity but they must understand, different things matter to me. I’m not an adult. I don’t have a career or a mortgage. My teeth are killing and my only proper friends are my relatives so when you sing the wrong verse to Old McDonald it totally feels like the end of the world to me.

TUESDAY
Watched a brilliant video on Mummy’s phone of some kids dancing into their Daddy’s room when he was having a meeting. If my Daddy ever has a conversation anywhere near that important I’m definitely going to do the same. Those kids are an inspiration.

WEDNESDAY
Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across the busy road so I could dive in the lake. It’s perfectly safe. I saw a little dog in the same position who looked equally pissed off. We shared a moment but then he licked my head and I started crying.

THURSDAY
Discovered the word ‘no’ today. (Also known as NO! or noooooOOOOO!) Total game changer. Maybe I’m late to the party but it’s so flexible. You can literally apply it to any situation and it totally works, even when you actually mean yes. I love it that much I even woke up in the middle of the night randomly shouting it for absolutely no reason.

FRIDAY
Big People keep telling me to be careful all the time. ‘Be careful near that table!’ ‘Be careful with that spoon!’ I’M A TODDLER. I AM BEING CAREFUL. It just so happens that I don’t actually give a fuck.

SATURDAY
Went to a disco with a bunch of other kneehighs. A six foot tall, spotty squirrel was DJing and then hugging everyone. I stayed the frig away from that thing. To be honest, I’m not even sure it was a real squirrel. She was wearing trainers.

SUNDAY
Chicken Pox. Must have caught it off that squirrel. Bastard.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...

Monday, 20 March 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 35)

MONDAY
I think I’ve grown into a very generous person. I just love sharing stuff with other people. As long as I get it back straight away, I’ll share with absolutely anyone. Also, everyone else needs to share whatever they have with me at all times, otherwise I get very angry. And I’m not giving that stuff back. No chance. Never. Don’t even ask. I won’t.

TUESDAY
I’m sure there used to be stuff on the bottom shelf of the bookcase. That place is empty now. God knows why. Used to love throwing that stuff everywhere.

WEDNESDAY
My world has crumbled – I lost my teddy bear today. Worse than that, the Big People thought it was perfectly acceptable to give me a brand new replacement and consider the matter closed. WTF? I don’t think they grasp the concept that a good sleeping teddy can’t just be purchased from a shop. It has to tick several important boxes.

Firstly, the appearance. It needs to have some serious miles on the clock. Take a look at a brand new teddy. Now, imagine that box-fresh, innocent teddy bear has been squatting in a crack-den for seven months straight and you’re getting close to how it should look. Ideally it’ll also be covered in stains of all shapes and sizes from the three major sources. These must be of assorted vintage – some still damp and others matured to a pleasant crust. The scent should evoke a peculiar blend of revulsion and comfort and it ABSOLUTELY must have an appendage of some kind that can be jammed into one’s nose. (I cannot stress the last bit enough.)

This new one had none of the above. We had no connection. I cried all night and decided I’d never sleep again until in the end I shut my eyes and had a cracking ten hours.

THURSDAY
Need to sort my life out - tried to grab the actual poo from my nappy today. What the fuck is wrong with me?

FRIDAY
Bet myself that I could walk the entire length of the kitchen with my eyes shut. Walked into the oven instantly, fell over and bit my lip. The pain was terrible but to be honest, it was more embarrassing than anything. Will try again tomorrow.

SATURDAY
The Big People spent AGES making my food today. Refused to taste it on principal. They must learn.

SUNDAY
Slipped on a noisy book today and really hurt myself. Lay in a heap on the floor crying and the bastard thing was trash-talking me. Totally humiliated. Waited till later on and then ripped the gobby thing to pieces. It was still talking as I dismantled it piece by piece. Probably begging for mercy. Knobhead.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...You can also find me on Instagram...

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 34)

MONDAY
Listen, Big People - if I won’t eat certain food with my hands, I’m not going to eat it just because you stick it on a fork am I? IT’S THE SAME FOOD, DICKHEADS! Just because I can’t control my arse yet doesn’t mean I’m a total bellend. And sometimes I throw food ON THE FLOOR because I want to eat it ON THE FLOOR.

TUESDAY
Today was brilliant – cried all afternoon and refused to nap. Then did a wee in my cot that a racehorse would be proud of, causing a complete sheet change. Can’t wait for tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY
The Big People really fuck me off when they sing Wheels on the Bus in the wrong order you know. It’s a kids song, not Pulp Fiction – you can’t just mess with the narrative and expect it to still be entertaining.

THURSDAY
Pissed on my own face today. It’s been a while. Forgot how refreshing it was. The Big People should try it when they’re tired.

FRIDAY
Discovered something today called ‘YouTube’. Oh. My. God. Sugar for the eyes! Felt like I’d jammed my head into a bucket of cheap sweets. Spent ages just gazing at the bright colours and losing myself in the repetitive, mindless soundtrack until I felt at one with the video. (Think it was about a bus.) I could actually FEEL my brain rotting as I sat there staring at the screen. Bliss.

SATURDAY
I’ve started leaving the room when I do a poo. I’m still not ready for that ghastly looking potty-thing, but I do enjoy a tiny bit of privacy when I’m squeezing one out these days. So it’s quite distracting when the Big People follow me into the kitchen and continually ask, ‘Are you doing a poo?’ Don’t be silly - I’m doing a particularly tricky yoga pose that’s causing me to grind my teeth like a rabid dog and make the room stink like an outside bin - OF COURSE I’M DOING A POO! How would they like it if I kept interrupting them all the time?

SUNDAY
Listen, Daddy. I know where my nose is so you should frigging well know where yours is – stop asking me all the time. It’s fucking embarrassing. Look at the end of your face you gormless prick.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...)

Monday, 20 February 2017

The Secret Diary of a 22 Month Old (Part 33)

MONDAY
Big People kept checking my nappy all morning. Then when I finally did a poo they found it disgusting. Why the big surprise? It’s a nappy for God’s sake. What else are you hoping to find in there? A cash prize?

TUESDAY
A new girl started at nursery today. She makes me feel funny. Like when I blow raspberries for too long and can’t see straight. We span round together for ages and got dizzy and then she fell over and cried a bit but it was okay because I didn’t. Then we sat near the coats and picked each other’s noses. Everyone else in our room is so immature compared to us.

WEDNESDAY
Sat by the coats again with the new girl. I wish she’d come and live with us. We could play all the time and probably get rid of the dog. Maybe they can swap? I’d have to check with the dog first but he’s normally pretty chilled. (Once I slammed his tail inside the fridge door and he hardly ever mentions it.) We were making that noise where you move your finger up and down your bottom lip and go bwah-bwah-bwah and I put my finger in her mouth and it felt funny and it tickled and I wondered if we should get married and then HOLY FUCKING GREENDALE SHE BIT MY FUCKING FINGER! I didn’t scream at first because couldn’t believe what was happening to be honest but then I started to cry and she bloody smiled and bit me even harder! The staff got involved at that point and it got quite messy. I said a few things I regret now but what a nasty piece of work she turned out to be. The last time I was betrayed like this was that time I woke up and Daddy told me it was still night time when it was actually 4.30am which is technically morning and not night time in any way. I will NEVER play with that new girl ever again.

THURSDAY
Played with the new girl all day. She’s so lovely. She tried to bite my finger again but I think she means well. Maybe my fingers just taste really nice.

FRIDAY
I've decided to stop laughing from now on. Whatever I laugh at just gets repeated and repeated by the Big People until it's ruined and not funny at all about 5 minutes later. It’s a shame and I'll miss it but this has to be done.

SATURDAY
So let me get this straight – I can throw balls but not toys, I can bite food but not people, I can slap hands but not faces and I’m not allowed to shit in the dishwasher? This world is so confusing.

SUNDAY
Managed to get stuck between the sofa and the wall today while trying to grab a dummy. Tried to move back. Couldn't do it. Cried. Lay my head in my own snot and tears and gave up. Help arrived. They removed me. Tried again two minutes later. Failed again. Cried more. Help arrived again. Gave up. Felt embarrassed.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, blogger and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram)

Saturday, 11 February 2017

The Secret Diary of a 22 Month Old (Part 32)

MONDAY
Went to the zoo today. All the animals looked pretty pissed off apart from this one pigeon we saw in the car park, although to be fair I think she comes and goes when she wants. Best bit was when the gorilla did a massive dump in his hand and threw it at everyone. Big People freaked out. I made a mental note for next time they put me in the play pen.

TUESDAY
I’m sick of everyone assuming that just because someone is a similar age to me that we’ll instantly be best mates. Sometimes we have literally nothing in common. What are we supposed to bond over? The fact we can’t control our bowel movements? Maybe we’ll hit it off with a thrilling conversation about which fashionable brand of nappies we’re sporting this season or better still, exchange dietary tips? Do me a favour.

WEDNESDAY
Can't be sure but think one of the Big People did a trump today and blamed it on me. I know I'm quite new here but that doesn't seem fair. Gonna fill my nappy tomorrow and blame them.

THURSDAY
Got some new books but for me, there’s nothing more relaxing than sitting down with a book I’m really familiar with. I must have read that one about the farm a million times and despite the fact there’s no real story, character development or a satisfying conclusion, it really moves me. Plus it’s fun to hear the Big People try to inject some false enthusiasm into their voice when I demand we read it again.

FRIDAY
Getting sick of complete strangers squeezing my cheeks. Here’s an idea – if I don’t know you, don’t touch my face. How does that sound?

SATURDAY
Learned a new noise today. Cross between a cough and a scream. Did it all day. Forgot to nap. Big People weren’t impressed. Made the noise at them. They seemed even less impressed.

SUNDAY
Cried in the night so ended up in the Big People’s bed. It was so much fun – I clawed at both their faces, head-butted Mummy twice and kicked Daddy square in the bollocks. We were all having a great time together so to say I was disappointed when they put me back in my own cot is a massive understatement.

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