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Tuesday, 29 November 2016

The Secret Diary of a 19 Month Old (Part 23)


MONDAY
Mummy wouldn’t let me touch the radiator so I asked Daddy. He wouldn’t either. Touched it later when they weren’t looking. It was really fucking hot. Why did nobody stop me?

TUESDAY
Wrecking stuff is so much fun! Today I ripped my fave book to pieces, smashed a toy in half and totally destroyed a new outfit with a nappy leak that nearly caused Debenhams to be closed temporarily. I love being creative!

WEDNESDAY
It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m totally clueless in almost every area of life. Today I lay down on the floor and rubbed my face across the gravel. ON PURPOSE! It stung like fuck, obviously. What is wrong with me?

THURSDAY
Some snotty kid pushed me over at the soft play area today. I cried. They stuck their finger in my ear. I cried more. Mummy came over and blamed me. I cried even more. Injustice is a bitter pill to swallow - I was fuming for literally minutes. I don’t know this kid or what their game is but mark my words - retribution will be swift.

FRIDAY
Think I managed a new word today. To be honest, I’m just shouting out different sounds these days but the big people seemed to lose their minds at this one. They kept repeating it for me to say again but I refused. It’s important to not bow easily to peer pressure.

SATURDAY
Those big fools left the babygate open this morning so I was straight up the stairs. It was exhilarating. My plan was to get to the top so I throw myself down again but they caught me halfway up. Bastards. It’s my own fault for giggling the whole time.

SUNDAY
I do enjoy the Tellytubbies but I wish they’d develop the characters a bit more. They seem to do the same thing every week and it gets boring. That bit in the middle is starting to grate too. We don’t need to see it twice do we? The music is still class though. Easily the best song ever written.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all my blogs on my FB page.)

Monday, 21 November 2016

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#52)

1.The definition of relief is when a noisier child than yours arrives in the restaurant.

2.Since becoming a parent I watch The Walking Dead and think 'Now THAT looks relaxing.'

3.I don't want a 'clean' house anymore. I just want to keep the level of shite to an acceptable level.

4.It's easier to extract a hostage from a warzone than leave the swimming baths with a toddler.

5.If I could preserve & recycle all the food my that ends up on the floor I'd be the new Bob Geldof.

6.Me and the wife don't call it sex anymore, it's now 'The AGM.'

7.Julia Donaldson & Axel Sheffler are the Lennon & McCartney of children's literature.

8.That said, I'd rather change a leaking, rancid nappy than read the fucking Gruffalo again.

9.Aldi is no place for a family day out.

10.Watching your little boys have their minds completely blown as they see snow for the first time is something you will never forget.

Twitter: @samaverycomedy and I post all new blogs to my Facebook page.

Monday, 14 November 2016

My Toddler Hid The TV Remote (& My Sanity Went With It)

It was Thursday morning when we noticed.

It had gone missing before, loads of times. But this time was different. There was a hectic nature to this search, and once we’d checked all the usual places – under the sofa, behind the curtains, inside the oven - worry arrived quicker than heartburn on Christmas Day.

The longest we’d searched before had been a paltry eight minutes but we’d heard the horror stories - parents forced to watch the CBeebies test-card on date night or worse still, make actual conversation.

Hell on Earth.

As I lifted the sofa up six inches so my wife could wave a torch underneath and quite literally shine a light on our frankly lacklustre hoovering policy, an awful thought dawned on me – what if we never find it?

Blind panic kicked in. I jumped over to the TV to see if I could operate it manually. After bashing at the buttons like a pensioner on his grandson’s X Box I managed to turn it off and on again and somehow convince it to initiate a software update. As part of me yearned for the days of four channels and clear buttons on the front I thought of a place we hadn’t looked yet.

“THE FRIDGE!” I shouted and made my way to the kitchen, losing the rest of my dignity as I slipped on a discarded ‘chunky flap’ pop-up book on the floor.

I flung open the fridge door with all the desperation of a hungover student looking for the leftover pizza.

No joy. (Although I did find a jigsaw piece and a very confused-looking sock, Plus I shoved a few cheese slices into my ever-fattening dad face, hoping it would add clarity to my scattered train of thought.)

Once all the key places had come up blank I put it out to my Facebook page. The comments ranged from helpful to ridiculous but were all welcome.

Minutes turned into hour and hours into days. Still nothing.

I went to bed that night dreaming of remote controls. Big ones. Little ones. Retro ones with wires. Chunky universal ones. I woke up in a cold sweat after a nightmare about the old Videoplus+ remote my Nan used to own. (I blame the cheese slices for that.)

The second day was tough but at least we still had Cbeebies. Or so I thought. The software update had rendered the TV completely unuseable, unless we could find the remote.

Kids screaming. Parents losing control. I could barely hold it together.

As I was casually rooting through next door’s bin I had my Eureka moment.

I grabbed an old remote from the broken stereo system, offered it to my 19 month old son and asked him to ‘go and put it with the other one.’ He took it and toddled off into the dining room. I followed him at a safe distance, like a tracker hunting his prize deer.

He turned round and saw me following.

“Show Daddy where the other remote is, son? Please? PLEASE?”

He handed the new remote back to me, blew a raspberry and waddled off, laughing his little head off.

I lay my head on the kitchen floor. I wanted to sob but I feared if I started I may never stop. The coolness of the kitchen tiles soothed my head and a calmness washed over me like a gentle tide. My eyes dropped to the floor.

And there it was. Underneath the fridge. Covered in fluff and crumbs. It looked so beautiful.

I didn’t instinctively reach out and grab it like I thought I would. Instead I gazed at it’s simple elegance. I had found my prey.

Until next time...

(I'm a stand up comedian and dad of toddler twins. You can follow my blog on Facebook here.)

Monday, 7 November 2016

The 10 Best Things About Parenting


My twin boys are 18 months old so this will inevitably change. But for now, here’s my 10 favourite things about being a parent.

1.You Feel Like You've Done Something Worthwhile

The planet is overcrowded and we’re running out of fish. We’re not helping by adding more methane-oozing, petrol-guzzling humans to the queue for the last few haddock. But no achievement in life has made me feel as proud as my kids.

2.Nobody’s Bothered If / When You’re Late

You are never actually ‘on time’ with kids, merely ‘not late, yet.’ Twenty minutes, half an hour, fuck it – turn up a day late and nobody really cares. Or if they do they won’t say anything because you have a legitimate, living and shitting excuse.

3.When Your Child Laughs

There is no other sound like it. When your child laughs, the world makes sense. (Unless they’re laughing at the bollocking you’ve just given them.)

4.When They Sleep

Nap time is great (if it happens) but those nights when they go down at the end of the day and stay down are the absolute tits. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with them during daylight but when they sleep you still get that buzz of parental pride without the stabbing back pain and tinnitus that accompanies it when they’re awake.

5.Perspective

So what if your sports team gets ripped apart by their rivals? Who cares if your box-fresh Galaxy Notepad 7 has just exploded and set fire to your hair? Your kids love you and the world is a beautiful place.

6.Finding Emotions You Never Knew You Had

I look back at my happy moments before I was a dad and they all pale into insignificance next to the electric, all-consuming euphoria that I experience on a daily basis as a parent. (Kind of like if you’ve been drinking Diet Coke for years and then finally try real Coke.)

7.Material

I’m a comic and more recently, a blogger. Without kids I’d have to think quite hard about stuff to write. As it is my kids are an endless goldmine of proud, embarrassing, ridiculous, tear-jerking, vomit-inducing anecdotes.

8.Watching Your Kids Grow

Every milestone puts a spring in your step – first smile, first steps, although not much will compare to the first time they learn that toast doesn’t belong in the Bu-ray player.

9.Cuddles

Who doesn’t love cuddles? My kids now they’re walking. But towards the end of the day as they’re tiring out and they jump into your lap – it’s better than winning the lottery.

10.You Feel Like An Adult

Despite all the big landmarks in my life (getting married, buying a house, starting to enjoy going to the tip) I’ve never felt like a proper adult till I had kids. And while anyone who saw me jumping round the soft-play area today like an overgrown, balding 3 year old may disagree, parenthood does engender a certain level of maturity...

Ha! Have you read my blog before?!

NEXT UP: The 10 Worst Things About Parenting

I’m a stand up comic and dad of twins. Follow this blog on Facebook or Twitter or sign up to get each new one via email.

Tuesday, 1 November 2016

Things I Learned Podcast Episode 23 w/ Scott Bennett

Comedian Scott Bennett swings by for a chat this week. Plus we drop by at the Baby Hip Hop Hour.

Listen to this and previous episodes on:

iTunesStitcher or Podbean