'A must' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (part 52)


This went up on my FB page back in August...I'm still playing catch-up with posting all my blogs onto this site...

MONDAY
The Big People never used to let me have anything back from the floor without washing and sterilising the shite out of it but today I dropped some baked beans and Daddy just scooped the little bastards up with his fingers and slopped them right back onto my plate. Listen, bollock breath - I’ve got no problem with eating stuff straight off the kitchen lino but for Tumble’s sake don’t use those same grotty fingers that you’ve been peeling dried kack from my arse with for the last week. UGH.

TUESDAY
Mummy let me run round the garden with no clothes on so to say thanks I treated her to a lovely cuddle and some hot piss down her jeans.

WEDNESDAY
Ate a sandwich with a fork today. How have I never done this before?! Sometimes things just feel right.

THURSDAY
I really need to stop saying no to everything all the time. Obviously it still needs to be said (or shouted) if the Big People are asking me to do something absolutely ridiculous like go to bed or stop drawing on the curtains but today I stood on one of my favourite talking books and it chirped ‘I’M A FRIENDLY BADGER!’ at me and I barked ‘NO!’ right back at it which was totally undeserved because he’s a cracking lad and one of the friendliest badgers I've ever met. Make no mistake, the atmosphere was pretty tense in the playroom after that.

FRIDAY
Saw two kids fighting over a toy. Pathetic. You won’t catch me getting embroiled in petty squabbles like that.

SATURDAY
Had a fight over a toy today. It wasn’t my fault - some kid picked up the bucket that I’d emphatically discarded by lashing it across the room so I had no choice but to snatch it back off him while babbling incoherent threats.

SUNDAY
Absolute scenes at breakfast. There was mass confusion over whether I wanted my porridge because I clearly stated that I didn’t (even though I did) so Daddy took it away and I screamed that I wanted it even though by that stage I definitely didn’t. Daddy put the bowl back in front of me and said I had till the count of 3 to start eating so I started counting with him and I think this threw him because somehow we got all the way up to 8 and neither of us really knew what was happening so we both just stared at each other and in the confusion I started eating my porridge which turned out to be quite lovely, if a little cold.

My first book 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' is out now and you can order it HERE.

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

Book signing @ Waterstones, Liverpool One - Thursday 19th Oct


I'm doing a book signing and Q&A at Waterstones in Liverpool One this Thursday 19th Oct, 6.30pm.

Tickets are just £3 and available here.

I look forward to meeting some of you!

Sam x

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 51)

MONDAY
I specifically asked for beans WITH toast and they gave me beans ON toast. Pricks. Then they wheeled out that trademark backtracking bullshit that the toast was unscathed (even though it was dripping in depraved bean juice) and that the beans were also fine (even though they’d been polluted to high buggery by that disgusting toast). Both items are quite lovely on their own but put them together and they become the stuff of nightmares, like Mummy with wine.
TUESDAY
On the packed bus this morning I pointed directly at the large lady next to us and shouted MOO-COW dead loud. Mummy went bright red and told me to shush but this woman clearly had a picture of a moo-cow on her bag so I’m not sure what all the commotion was about to be honest.
WEDNESDAY
Was messing about in bed tonight and Daddy told me to stop but I carried on jumping up and down with my blanket over my head while pretending to be a zoo. At this point he’d normally threaten to send me to bed but I was already in bed so I felt completely bulletproof and brimming with confidence so I poked my head out and I could see in his eyes that he was all out of options and his entire justice system had been crushed. Glorious!
THURSDAY
Daddy told me not to go near the plug sockets. Funny, I’d never even noticed them before. Gonna investigate the shit out of them tomorrow.
FRIDAY
Why do they waste their stupid adult breath asking me if I want a yoghurt? Of course I want a bloody yoghurt! Do they really think I was forcing that vile main course down my neck for any reason other than to engineer this archaic reward system in my favour?
SATURDAY
Had some visitors come over with their kid who is the same age as me which, according to the Big People, is apparently all I need to be friends with someone these days. (Have they not heard of shared interests or repartee?) This new ‘friend’ of mine took great pleasure in playing with my favourite blue spade which normally wouldn’t have been a problem as I would have just violently snatched it back off her while screeching but she did it while I was having my nappy changed so there was fuck all I could do about it. She knew what she was doing, I’m sure of it, the little blue spade stealing bastard.
SUNDAY
Mummy told me what that strange eleventh finger-thing between my legs is. Apparently it’s ‘my willie’ and ‘we all have them’ although I couldn’t find Mummy’s and Peppa Pig doesn’t appear to own one either. When I found Daddy’s I pointed and laughed and he probably thought it was just that toddler laugh I do when I discover new stuff but I honestly couldn’t believe how tiny his was.
BUY MY BOOK HERE.

Tuesday, 17 October 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 50)

MONDAY
Kicked off big style after bathtime so they sat me on the naughty step. Had no pants on so made a political statement by emptying my arse all over it. #fuckthepolice
TUESDAY
It’s simply not enough that I have all the toys I want. Other people must also have toys. Not necessarily the toys they actually want but the toys that I want them to have. And this can change dramatically at any moment for absolutely no reason so keep the fuck up, bozos.
WEDNESDAY
I wish everyone would stop telling me I can’t do stuff. It does my little tits in.
THURSDAY
Back on the naughty step today. I really don’t understand how the good old fashioned bottom step is now suddenly the naughty step? It’s a joke really as it’s the very same step that Daddy sits on to tie his shoelaces and he never screams, sobs and then reluctantly apologises before he gets up like I have to.
FRIDAY
Some little girl at the park had thrown her hat on the floor and her Mummy was telling her to pick it up but she wouldn’t pick it up so I walked towards them and also told her to pick it up while pointing my finger quite aggressively at nobody in particular, hoping that an extra voice would help resolve the situation. Daddy said it was rude for me to do that and then he started waffling a load of old shite about people in glass houses not throwing stones or something but I got bored so picked up an actual stone and tried to throw it at a dog and Daddy got annoyed again, even though we were nowhere near a frigging glass house. Once again, mixed messages from the Big People.
SATURDAY
Had meatballs for lunch and they were bloody delicious. Kind of wish I hadn’t spent the last 18 months throwing them at the wall every time now.
SUNDAY
Woke up super early as Daddy hadn’t shut the curtains properly so he took me downstairs and we watched telly for proper ages. Finished Season 4 of Bing (not as good as Season 3 IMHO – talk properly you animated arsehole!) and watched some old-skool, bootleg Mr Tumble on YouTube. Great morning. Think I’ll wake up early every single day from now on if that’s what happens.
GET MY BOOK HERE.

Monday, 16 October 2017

8 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1. Never mind the big salaries at the BBC, I'm more annoyed they pissed money away making more than one episode of In The Night Garden.
2. That moment you're wolfing down your kid's leftovers and your partner says, 'They spat most of that out you know...'
🤢
3. This toddler 'mine' stage has gone supernova. My two year old just claimed both my feet were his.
4. My boys trying to feed yoghurt to their Nan over Skype is fucking hilarious. 🤣🤣
5. The day before the binmen come is like Christmas Eve in our house. That's not right.
6. My two year old has started carrying a croquet mallet everywhere with him, like some upper class Negan.
7. A piss stained bus stop is no place for a family picnic.
8. ME: What's the opposite of hot?
BOYS: Mummy!
Oh dear.