Here it is, guys - the front cover of my book!
The release date has just been brought forward to OCTOBER 5th (due to popular demand!) and it's available to pre-order HERE!
Once again, I can't thank you all enough for the shares, mentions and friend-tagging you've given my posts. It's totally been the reason why this page has grown and it's such a thrill to connect with so many people from far and wide and hopefully make you laugh.
I'm so excited to get this book into the world and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it :)
Monday, 10 July 2017
Why does Mummy sit down? She must know by now that it’s utterly futile – wherever she is I’ll find her and force her to get up again. I always ask nicely at first but if she’s not on her feet within a tenth of a second of my first request then I think it’s only fair to start shouting at her with increasing volume and indignation. She must stand up, always. Be ready, woman. I may not need you right this instant but if you’re sitting down you’re literally no good to anybody.
Two things I cannot and will not abide:
Both make me sick to the core. Thankfully, the Big People don’t hide mashed bits of injustice in my yoghurt so I eat it without knowing.
Threw a tantrum after dinner that got quite silly. Was swinging on the curtain having a lovely time and not hurting anyone but Daddy said I might hurt the curtain so I grabbed the other curtain and it turns out the same rule applied to that one, which I think perhaps he should have made clear at the outset. This total and utter bullshit incensed me fucking rotten so I screamed and yanked my socks off, although the right one took longer to get off and I was pulling it so hard that when it did finally come off I hit myself in the face which didn’t help anyone to be honest. Daddy tried to pick me up so I loosened my body to make it physically impossible (I’m sure I’m part-worm) and I crawled under the table and sat there for a bit, crying at regular intervals so they knew I wasn’t ready to begin peace talks. Whilst rolling about amongst the food I’d thrown on the floor I came across some old toast so started chewing it and then I saw Mummy’s legs appear in front of me so started crying again but I was eating toast so the crying sounded disingenuous to say the least and when she bent down to see me we both smiled and then had a little cuddle.
They asked me what was wrong but I couldn’t explain, mainly due to the fact that:
a) I can’t talk properly yet.
b) I didn’t have a fucking clue.
Got an ice cream at the park - total heaven! It was all over my face which made it even more fun and I was licking harder as it was starting to melt and the combination of me licking too much and gravity being a total bastard made it drop onto the floor and before I could pick it up some scruffy dog ran over and started licking it instead. It’s hard to put into words the total and utter inferno of misery that ravaged through me for the next forty minutes but I have never felt so broken and empty as I did today. Well, until Mummy bought me a new one and everything was sound again. Lovely day, actually.
Been trying to jump in the air all week. Can’t seem to manage it. The Big People are very encouraging but I’m not sure I like learning under so much scrutiny. I’m also aware that if I do manage it, I don’t know how to land yet so will probably just end up on my arse or face but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
Woke up and started shouting ‘NO!’ before I’d even got out of my cot – a new record. To be honest, that set quite a negative tone for the day and in the end I barked ‘NO!’ at pretty much every suggestion, regardless of whether it was incredibly productive or total bollocks. Daddy lost his patience a little and asked if I’d like to go to bed early so I shouted ‘YES!’ and you should have seen his face! You weren’t expecting that, were you old man? Take that, fuckers!
(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram @thelearnerparent )
Wednesday, 28 June 2017
1.I'd rather tackle a burglar with a tickling stick than a soft play centre with a hangover.
2.Kids TV shows need warnings at the beginning. 'This programme contains scenes that some viewers may find incredibly irritating...'
3.My boys shared a womb for 8 months but now won't share a drink.
4.Kids might well 'eat for £1 at Harvester' but try leaving them there while you go shopping - the staff just freak out.
5.'How do you tell the twins apart, Sam?'
'Well, one likes cheese ON toast and the other likes cheese WITH toast.'
6.Our sofa now has more skid marks than Brands Hatch.
7.I set my alarm for 8am every morning, just so I can have a little chuckle when it goes off and I've already been awake for 3 fucking hours.
8.In fact, me and my wife now talk about lie-ins like something from a bygone era, like Blockbuster Video or mixtapes.
9.Toddlers will not sit and watch the BBC News Channel even when there's been a dramatic election.
10.Parenthood is the most beautiful trauma you will experience.
Tuesday, 27 June 2017
Started saying ‘NO!’ to everything. It’s exhilarating! When I think back to all those times I just went along with their helpful and loving suggestions – well, not anymore. I usually won’t even let them finish the question although sometimes it’s not even a question but I answer it anyway with a prompt and enraged ‘NO!’ and sometimes I wave my arms or do a little angry dance. Got offered a biscuit today and shouted ‘NO!’ even though I really meant yes because I love biscuits but I’ve discovered that being unreasonably obstructive is so enjoyable that it’s even more fun than actually eating biscuits which is maybe a diet technique that Daddy might want to try sometime soon.
Daddy did a funny face and it was really funny and I laughed and he did it again and I laughed even more and then he did it a third time and not only did it instantly stop being funny, it immediately became offensive towards everything I stand for. I stopped laughing and shouted at him and he stopped. He sheepishly tried the same face later on but I stared at him and he quickly backed down.
I wish they’d stop wiping my nose. My mouth does a fine job of catching any stray snot that’s running down my face and anything that doesn’t drip down is taken care of by my tongue or sleeve. I’m not crying because it hurts, you morons - you’re stunting my independence!
Just discovered pockets. Bloody mental aren’t they?
Didn’t eat any of my dinner so Mummy said I couldn’t have a yoghurt. In the confusion I only heard the word ‘yoghurt’ so understandably assumed I was getting said yoghurt. When she didn’t give me a yoghurt I did one of those cries where you feel like you’re going to choke on your own face so Mummy picked me up and I flung my head back into the wall. Hurt like fuck. Still no yoghurt. Waste of effort.
Discovered a new game! It’s called ‘Keep-throwing-your-dummy-out-of-the-cot-so-that-the-big-people-keep-coming-upstairs-to-pick-it-up.’ The title needs work but you get the idea. Best part is watching their enthusiasm and mood deteriorate with every trip they make. Reckon this game could go global one day.
Teddy bear’s picnic today. Had a lovely time mingling and pretending to drink tea and then a load of these old Care Bears that belonged to Mummy when she was little rocked up and started nicking all the tea and basically ruined everything. One of them was a talker but really low on batteries so when he spoke he sounded like the guy who lives on our street who Mummy says drinks too much and it was fucking terrifying.
Sunday, 25 June 2017
Licked the telly when the ice cream advert came on. Hope Mummy doesn’t buy that brand as it tasted fucking horrible.
I wish Daddy would get some pants that fit him. Every time I throw something on the floor he bends over and that hairy arsecrack is right in my face. At one point I thought I was about to meet a new sibling.
At the park Daddy kept putting me on the little slide even though I’ve made it clear since I was about 8 months that the little slide is, quite simply, bollocks. Slumped down it a couple of times and then ran off towards the big slide. He said I couldn’t go on it and I was too little but I started climbing up the steps because sometimes I don’t care and there was kids behind me so he couldn’t get to me and he looked a bit worried but I knew I’d be okay and then I got to top of the steps and just as everyone was looking at me and it was my big moment to shine I suddenly and quite dramatically needed a poo so started squeezing out something that felt like the size of my head. Finished my poo and then slid down the big slide like a total champ but could feel it all squish around in my pants like hot play-doh so the whole experience was quite bitter-sweet to be honest.
How dare the Big People give a book that I’m not reading and don’t like anyway to somebody else? Just because I’ve shown no interest, left the room and started doing something different doesn’t mean I’m not still reading it.
When I grow up I’m going to design tables and make sure none of them have fucking corners on them. Bastards.
Wanted to take Teddy to playgroup but they wouldn’t let me so I screamed and they gave me the old ‘he’ll be here when we get back’ horseshit. (They said the same thing about that snowman we built last year and he buggered off so quickly he even forgot his own nose, the fool!) I screamed and sobbed and lay down on the floor and kicked my legs but they stood firm so I kicked a bit more and then realised I was moving backwards across the carpet which hurt my back so I stopped kicking and just screamed louder instead. Was just about to stop because the whole scene was getting a little bit embarrassing and I didn’t want to miss playgroup but then they completely gave in and said I could take him. (Was pleased to learn this ‘Armageddon Tactic’ actually works as results have been mixed so far.) Anyway, it was great showing Teddy around playgroup. I introduced him to everyone and had a lovely time putting him in the cars and pushing him around. I love Teddy more than anything and I’d be lost without him although somehow managed to completely forget he existed so we left without him and I only realised when we were back in the car so we all had to get out again and rush back in and we couldn’t find him until I saw a little girl kissing him and feeding him cups of tea so I calmly explained to her there’d been a simple misunderstanding while I yelled and flung my arms about and grabbed Teddy’s legs but she wouldn’t let go and we’re both pulling at him and thankfully he ripped a bit and she lost her grip and fell over and we all went home.
I’m sure I overheard them discussing taking my dummy away soon. If they remove my dummy, I’ll remove their remote control. Simple. We all have our vices.
(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram )