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Thursday, 23 April 2015

Day 3 - You're having twins!

When we got told we were having twins my brain went through the following 10 steps:

1. WTF?
2. How are we going to afford this?
3. I'll probably be waking up any minute now.
4. This is the best news ever.
5. Is this really happening?
6. Hang on, what?
7. THIS IS AWESOME.
8. What the actual fuck?
9. I’M SO HAPPY.
10. My sperm is majestic.
 
I’m not proud of thinking number 10 but it did enter my head because I’m an idiot. I later discovered that I had nothing to do with it as identical twins are down to the egg splitting during fertilization. This ego-blow was softened by the fact that I’m a big fan of omelettes.

Our initial scan was scheduled for 9am, first of the day. My wife had strict instructions to drink two pints of water and not empty her bladder before we arrived. The guy who was doing the scans got stuck on the motorway so the waiting room slowly filled up with pregnant women and their partners, all looking nervous and bursting for a slash. I’d had quite a large coffee that morning so I was pretty desperate for the toilet too but I’m proud to say I held it in to show solidarity with my new sisters-in-arms.

After 45 minutes the scene resembled that of a Japanese endurance-style game show, as urine levels reached a ridiculous and dangerous level in 50% of the waiting room. This led to every new person who walked through the door being eyeballed by the piss-heavy queue of hormone-riddled ladies.

Eventually this scruffy, long-haired guy with a beard meandered into the room, looking like he was late for his methodone prescription. My wife whispered to me, ‘Ha! Imagine it was that guy!’

It was that guy.

He called our names and we abruptly stopped giggling and shuffled into his room like naughty schoolkids. He turned out to be an absolute gent, professional and funny with it. My wife was convinced she had twins growing inside her so when he found the baby with the scanner she asked him,
‘Is there just one in there?’

‘NOPE!’ he yelped as he moved the scanner to reveal the other little guy. (This is when steps 1-10 occurred above.)

I then half-jokingly asked him, ‘Is there just 2 in there?’ The way I saw it, there was an extra baby appearing here every 5 seconds or so.

He looked me dead in the eye and smiled while shaking his head to indicate there wasn’t just two and I was going to become the father of triplets. My brain then went through the following 5 steps:

1. OH SHIT
2. I’M SCARED
3. I NEED A VASECTOMY
4. RUNNING AWAY IS AN OPTION
5. THIS MUST BE A HIDDEN CAMERA SHOW

The colour had completely drained from my face when he said, ‘I’m only messing, it’s twins.’

Jesus.

Back tomorrow.


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1 comment:

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