'Hilarious' DAILY MAIL 'Very entertaining' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Friday, 17 April 2015

Day Zero - The Birth Days

My wife opted for a natural birth because she didn’t want to miss out on the experience. I gently suggested that a c-section might be easier for her. Why take the scenic route when you can jump on the M6?

One midwife told me to get my camera ready for the ‘big moment’ which always baffles me. People often ask, who is filming their children being born?  But that’s not the real question. What I want to know is who the hell is watching it back? It’s great to have ammunition to embarrass your kids when they grow up but I can’t see any upside to screening the full birth on a big screen at your son’s 18th surprise party. I suppose you’d save money on the buffet.

So we get put in a nice big, room of our own and told to wait. A couple of hours of nervous chat go by before the inducement gel turns up. This went in and contractions started immediately.

My wife made it very clear that I was not to make her laugh during the birth, which meant I was very tempted to do my act. In all seriousness, I tend to deal with stressful situations by making inane and moronic comments so this was going to be a challenge. 

“Please, please don’t make me laugh.”

“Even if you poo the bed?” I decided definitely not to say.

In the end I just kept my mouth shut for 22 hours as we waited for the twins to arrive. I haven’t waited that long to see someone since I went to watch Guns N Roses.

My wife slogged through labour with strength, grace and a creative use of the English expletive system. And everytime we thought we were near they’d run a check and tell us that we were at least a couple of hours away from anything happening, until finally one of the twins was about to emerge through the front door. Then all of a sudden the other twin started ‘buggering about’ (technical term) and almost instantly they called the consultant who decided to opt for an emergency c-section. Turned out the scenic route led directly to the M6 anyway.

This was pretty scary stuff as we’d been together throughout but I was told I wasn’t allowed into the theatre for the c-section, the most crucial part. I should have been petrified but at this point I actually felt quite calm. It's amazing what a combination of chronic fatigue and childlike denial can do. They put her under and ushered me into a tiny waiting room that had 3 chairs and a coffee table with Take a Break magazine on. The front cover had the headline ‘My Ex’s Ghost Got Me Pregnant’ which I decided was wholly inappropriate under the circumstances. I remember thinking a good tagline would have been ‘He Put The Willies Up Me’. It’s strange how your brain deals with stressful situations.

I was just becoming enthralled in the true life story of a gypsy paternity battle on page 7 when the midwife came running in and told me I was now the father of two beautiful boys.

‘Beautiful! So they’re not mine?’ I un-hilariously quipped. She gave me a hug then ran off with my phone to take some pictures.

Now, let’s be honest here. New born babies aren’t nearly as cute as they become a few minutes later – like a good roast chicken they need to stand for a minute or two before they’re ready. So let’s just say that the first photos she showed me most definitely won’t be going on our mantelpiece anytime soon.

But then she brought them both into the waiting room for me to hold, beautifully swaddled in white towels, eyes closed like puppies. Puppies that looked a bit like me. And that’s when it hit me in the gut that this was one of those moments in life that will never leave me, like my wedding day or that time they opened a new till at Aldi and I managed to scoop all my shopping up in one hand and dive to the front. Magic.

They were so still and peaceful, their only movement being their teeny, tiny nostrils flaring ever so slightly to take in their first few breaths. The midwife left the room to give me a moment with them and as my eyes filled up with a joy that I haven’t felt anything close to I noticed that the blanket on one had moved slightly over his mouth. Parental programming 2.0 kicked in and thinking ‘I’d better just move that away a bit’ I realized that I didn’t have a free hand to do so. Can I put one down? No, crap, can’t do that either. Oh shit, one’s started wriggling…MIDWIFE! GET BACK IN HERE!

Emotionally, this was going to be the most amazing journey of our lives.

Logistically, this was going to be tricky. 

Click here to follow this blog on Facebook. Or you can share using the buttons below.


Lynn Gerrard said...

Another hilarious account of your baby steps into fatherhood. There may be a constant stream of rubbish on the TV but at least I know I'll be amused, at least for the next 18 years, thanks to this blog! Keep it up!...literally!...there's a series here and a book!...:)

Briana Wheeler said...

You are extremely talented.

lingjie shi said...

This is really very useful information that I have come across through searching the keyword fake watches

micalk senlldy said...

A great thing about the luxury replica bags is that they will take you from day to night. The chain strap will add a touch of glam even to your more casual day outfits, but they are ideal for evening events and parties! The straps are not detachable, so you would have to put them inside the bags, even though also, they can be used Mulberry Replica as clutches for more formal events. Replica YSL Bags 1: 1 level - you will discover by far the most general stage, the amount nearest a store real! Specifically for the top good quality specifications of consumers. The shakers and movers of your design entire world heavyweight fashionable Yves Saint France, Laurent and Paris to lay the style capital of the Longchamp Outlet condition contributed to the artist’s enchanting characteristics he has, he’s just the right colour accuracy plus a striking struggle to the secular kind of new trend in a new vibrant, totally meet fashion. But a majority of periods to acquire handbags, particularly when acquiring large bags, to accomplish not struck the handbag very hard. After prices, Chanel Replica styles and all are out there, the major brands of the new year a limited, nice price point right, but also more than just a person you know what’s what. So you want to buy is not the same bag is really not very easy, not so red Cheap Ray Ban before domestic brands such as Mulberry or something, but also to find some not-so-public style. Now, with more and more superior info, just look for the street shooting legend should be able to find what you wish to locate all kinds of handbags.

youy said...

When you buy a Luxury Breitling Watches, you do your part to stimulate the economy.An investment in a Rolex Watches is one that will stimulate the retail market while adding grace and beauty in your own life or the life of a loved one.Whether you choose a luxury Hermes handbags to add to your personal wardrobe or as a gift to someone else, this is a challenging choice with unlimited possibilities on brand of Original Omega Watches.if the 1:1 IWC is made of gold, then this also places in the category "jewelry watch".The Rolex Submariner Watches are worth checking out, as they are unique in terms of style and fashion.

Furniture Jepara Murah said...