'Hilarious' DAILY MAIL 'Very entertaining' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Day 25 - Baby Fat

I thought the phrase baby fat was to describe the baby, not the parent.

I weigh myself every Tuesday night, not because I’m obsessed but because I have a propensity for binge eating that will otherwise get out of control. I’m not a fat man either, at least not on the outside. Although somewhere inside me there’s definitely a roly-poly porker waiting to get his own Channel 5 documentary.

I use the Nintendo Wii Fit to track my progress which is the worst thing to do because it gives you stats. Nobody needs stats. Apparently I’ve been weighing myself for 1,867 days and I still haven’t reached my target weight. On the flip side, at least my self-esteem has plummeted after digesting that data.

But easily the worst thing about the Wii Fit is that your avatar on the screen changes size depending on your weight that week. Satisfying if you’ve lost weight but the increase in on-screen girth and accompanying negative sound effects last night were enough to drive me to shovel ice cream into my face in the kitchen. In my undies. If you’re standing up and crying with the freezer open while you eat it doesn’t count, right?

(Best thing was when my wife, who hadn't weighed herself since before the pregnancy, jumped on the Wii Fit the night before we went to get induced. The on screen avatar nearly exploded.)

I got a warning yesterday when I sat on the toilet and it creaked. That's just not right.

I do like exercise. But I like food more. Cheese, chocolate, pastry. I’m dribbling on the keyboard just thinking of it.

When you first get into a serious relationship with someone and your life feels complete you eat like it’s going out of fashion. You feel secure and superficial looks don’t matter anymore. I think since the boys were born this has got even further out of hand.

It started with our long hospital stay. I’d conveniently pass a MacDonalds every night between Alder Hey and the Women’s Hospital and what started as a treat quickly became an obsession and then addiction. After three nights on the trot under the Golden Arches I swore I wouldn’t go there again and I didn’t. The next night I went to KFC followed by Burger King the night after that.

It’s hard to look after yourself when you’re looking after two babies though. When you’ve spent most of the day scraping dried vomit from your neck or cleaning bottoms that produce more waste than Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, if someone offers you a custard cream you don’t think about the calories. You just grab the whole packet and shove them down your neck like a sword swallower who's showing off.

The Wii Fit told me I'd put on 6 lbs this last week. To put this into perspective, that's what Zac weighed when he was born. I've put on a full Zac this week. I don't want either of the lads to think there's any favouritism going on so I'm going to try to put on a full Ben this coming week.

Wish me luck.

Back tomorrow.

I post updates on my Twitter and Facebook pages if you want to keep reading but please don’t feel pressured into anything. You can also sign up to email updates at the top right of this page.

Read from the beginning here.

6 comments:

Verena said...

Hiya,
Ive just discovered this blog. I've got 15 months ID twin boys myself, who spent 5 weeks in NICU, and I have to say, your blog really made me laugh. I can't stop reading it, and find myself giggling out loud every now and then, as I can picture just so many of the things you write about. Thank you so much for that, it really made my day reading your blog entries!

Sam Avery said...

Thanks Verena! Glad you're enjoying it :)

Lamia said...

Great post ! Unless you have already intoduced milk to your baby which is unlikely because most doctors say no milk products untill age one feeding him ice cream could make him sick. Besides the one year b-day tradition is they get there own small personal cake to smash and eat and do what they want with he will be a big enough mess without the icecream so I would skip it.
Thanks:)

lingjie shi said...

The average price of fake watches is from $200 to $500. Almost every person is affording these reasonable watches. The fake replica watches of substandard quality are also called replicas, but the quality and functions differ a lot then the original one.

Anonymous said...

We are not abiding how, but Sportswear begin yet addition way to color-up the Air Max 90 in a apple-pie new black, red, and white blush scheme. The basal cheap Puma Suede Classic adaptation of the allegorical contour appearance the blush aggregate that you can about never get wrong, acknowledgment to its advanced address of the three colors alike in the sneaker apple with Michael Jordan and the Bulls. This time about the cheap nike air max 90 gets a primarily Gym Red high in cobweb and constructed leather, with the mudguards in atramentous and the actual accents including the solid midsoles in white. Jordan Brand has adapted the iconic with a amount of new affairs constructions alignment the variety. Soulland has teamed up with Nike SB for a accumulating that you could skate in just as able-bodied as abrasion out and about. adidas Hoops even affairs on debuting Derrick Rose his new shoe model.Suddenly begin himself on the cheap air jordan 3 absolutely admired for so abounding years accept not afflicted from the aboriginal saw these shoes will never accord up its favorite.

hoxn Ln said...

and with no set delivery date.Over at the ever-chic handbag replica , the halo piece for 2015 was the Rotonde de Cartier Grande Complication. Watches Replica The work demonstrated in this thin, self-winding, minute UK Replica watches repeating tourbillon is truly exceptional, but – again – we see a watch that is 45mm in diameter and around £400,000. Replica Rolex Watches The chances that I’ll ever see one of these outside a a a a a Swiss exhibition hall Designer handbags Not high.