I changed another nappy today. It was worse than my previous efforts which I didn’t think was possible. If the others were Jaws 3 and Jaws 4 this was Jaws 5.
I did the one thing you can’t do in a nappy-change situation. I panicked. If you do that you might as well start wearing them yourself. Once again I didn’t prepare properly. This is a basic error and frankly, inexcusable for an educated adult.
I had most of it ready – I got the bum-cream, the change of clothes and I even made sure the cotton wool was close at hand with an extra piece to go over his wee-man to stop a repeat of the other day. I got the scented nappy bag out of the box and opened it in preparation. Let’s face it, you don’t want to be licking your fingers to get purchase on the bag after you’ve been wiping your son’s over excitable back door.
But guess which bit I didn’t have?
The very thing I was there to change. If you’ve ever been camping and forgotten your tent you’ll know how stupid I felt. But stupidity was only fleeting because pure and total panic flooded my entire being as I realised the gravity of the situation I was in. I even considered temporarily putting his old one back on while I located the fresh batch but decided that might cause us both severe psychological trauma in later life. In the end I let him wriggle and cry while I walked the five yards to retrieve the new nappy. In the cold light of day it was the obvious thing to do but in the pressure-cooker environment of a botched bum wash I completely lost it.
At this point I can’t see how I can ever get to a competent level at this. If this was an online computer game I’d be the guy running against a wall, pressing the wrong buttons while virtuoso American teenagers swore down my headset.
I remember once seeing some Braille on a baby change shelf in a train toilet. I’ve got total respect for anyone who is blind and lives a full and rewarding life but if you can’t see yet you’re able to change the nappy of a wriggling, shitting baby on a high speed inter-city vehicle then you’re not blind – you’re a Jedi. You should have a show in Vegas. It’d be well more entertaining than Circue Du Soleil.
We’ve been told we can take Ben home tomorrow. He’s taken the news in his stride but we’re overjoyed.