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Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Day 15 - Wee Salute You

The hardest part of changing a nappy for me is when you think you've got it all under control, things are moving in the right direction and then WHOOOSH - he starts weeing like a racehorse that's been on the ale all day.

I don't mind wiping the bottoms anymore although ask me that again when they move onto solids. Other parents talk about that like it's Vietnam.

“You wouldn’t know, man. You weren’t there!”

I don't even mind manoeuvreing around their crying and horizontal twerking either. But the Sudden Ninja Piss (TM) really throws a spanner in the works. It just comes out of nowhere. (Technically it comes out of their penis, if it literally came out of nowhere I'd be peddling this on Britains Got Talent.)

It's awkward because it goes EVERYWHERE. like a state of the art hotel sprinkler system. I reckon if our house caught fire I'd just have to whip off the lads nappies and we'd be back in bed in 5 minutes.

I've tried covering it with a cotton wool bud but that just made their little sacks look like they were doing a budget Father Christmas impression. Nobody needs that. We then bought some gauze strips that work to a point but feels like you’re about to give them a wax.

The mother in law called to say she had a 'solution' to the Sudden Ninja Piss problem, which sounds quite sinister but was actually very helpful.

She presented us with a bag of these funky little contraptions called Wee Wee Teepees, so called because they're shaped like the Native American tent of the same name. I think the name Willie Wigwams is better but what do I know?

You simply pop them on their little willies while doing the change and it keeps their house in order. That’s the plan anyway.

I’d love to see a 40 minute infomercial for these things on QVC. Although if they used my lads to demonstrate they'd end up with a piece of TV history similar to that elephant defacating all over the Blue Peter floor.

"But just how do they work, Susan?"

"Well Zoe, you simply take the little boys nappy off like this and pop the Willie Wigwam over his todger and as you can see, it's done absolutely f**k all. Ah Jesus, I'm friggin soaked here. Can someone take this baby off me please? I'm going back to Bid TV...'

I heartily recommend these things for the novice nappy changer. They also have the added bonus of being a great embarrassment tool for when they bring their first girlfriend home to demonstrate just how ‘tiny’ they once were.

Back tomorrow.

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