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Saturday, 9 May 2015

Day 17 - Bath Night Blues

One of the things I was really looking forward to during my wife’s pregnancy was bath night.

Not for me you understand – I’m strictly a shower man. I can’t think of anything worse than sitting in your own filth for half an hour while the water gets cold and the bubbles disappear to remind me that I’m more fat boy than slim these days.

And anyway, It’s impossible to look as svelte as you do in that ‘generous’ mirror in the work lift as when you’re stewing in the tub, struggling to reach your arm around your jelly belly to give your bum crack a good flannel rub.

But a kid’s bath time is like a trip to Alton Towers without the queues. They love it. Splashing about, playing with rubber ducks. I couldn’t wait to see their little faces.  

We put our two in the water and they screamed like Al Pacino at the end of The Godfather III. I’m sure next door thought we were waterboarding terror suspects.

The whimpering started when I took their sleep suits off. It went up a notch when I took them out of their nappies. No bother, I thought. As soon as that nice warm water hits their skin they’ll be purring like pussycats.

That was a misjudgement of the highest order. Bigger even than when my mate Paul snogged that woman with massive hands and a goatee on a stag do in 2002.  

As it happened, the tiny crying as I got them ready was just the quiet verse in their baby emo-rock classic they were improvising together. The Slipknot-influenced chorus kicked in as they touched the water.

And then the wriggling started. Zac went at it like the bath was Greenwich Village, NYC circa 1984 and he was a breakdancing champion. With Ben it was all about the legs – kicking viscously but with enough rhythm to send him spinning round in my wife’s hands like an out of control Benidorm pedalo. It’s lovely to see them developing their own personalities.

Their twitching forced their bodies out of the water and into the cold air which made them scream even more, which made them twist even harder. I made the executive decision to end the bath at that point, like a boxing referee calling a match, so we pulled them both out of the water. Just as the scene was starting to resemble the cover shot of ‘Pole Fishing Monthly’ the screaming went to a level I’d never experienced before, as if Axl Rose had been unfortunate enough to get his tackle stuck in some farming equipment.

Maybe they’re just shower men, like their father.

Back tomorrow.

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Read from the beginning here.


Anonymous said...

Bath time definitely gets better the older they get. Love reading this and hearing how well your boys are doing. So refreshing to.hear things from the San'a perspective

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