'Hilarious' DAILY MAIL 'Very entertaining' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Day 20 - Nappy Flap Flop

Something happened today that I’ll never forget. And it was all my fault.

I can’t believe I did it. I honestly never thought I’d be so stupid as to let this happen. But it happened. Oh boy, did it happen.

It was avoidable, so completely escapable. I need to try to look forward, it’s in the past now. But that’s impossible - it’s embedded on my brain like a cheap tattoo. I promise you, I’ll never be the same again.

Most parents will remember the first time their child flashed them a smile, or babbled their first proper word.

I’m sure I’ll remember those things in time but right now I cannot forget the day when I didn’t pull the flaps out of the nappy properly.

How could I have been so stupid? I’ve changed loads of nappies at this point and despite still being more hapless than Captain Hook in a tiddlywinks tournament I’ve at least avoided any liquid-based catastrophes.

But not today. My God. What a mess.

I got a warning sign the other night when I managed to remember at the last minute that I hadn’t pulled the flaps out of Ben’s nappy after I’d put him down in his basket. I was on the verge of drifting off to sleep when the thought hit me like a Frisbee in the ear and I bolted upright in bed. My wife asked me what was wrong, probably suspecting I’d had an accident myself.

‘FLAPS!’ I  calmly declared as I went over to the Moses baskets. It was my Eureka moment.

But today I wasn’t so lucky. And I'll never un-see what I’ve saw.

I changed both nappies in record time for me – 8 minutes, 34 seconds. A small wave of unnecessary smugness washed over me for the next few hours until I noticed that Ben was starting to smell like a sweet shop bin. I picked him up and he started to cry. So I felt the back of his legs and they were wetter than Wet Wet Wet on a log flume.

That’s when I started to replay the previous nappy change in my head, piecing events together. I started to hope it was just the sheer force of his movement that had caused the leak – this would absolve me of blame. But I couldn’t remember the details of the last change and I feared I’d absent mindedly cut corners which would leave me completely culpable.

I opened his nappy like a nervous teenager getting their GCSE results. It turns out I’ll be re-sitting all of them.

My son had turned into a slurry truck with legs. Even his tiny face that’s still finding it’s way in the world managed to flash me a look that said, You did this, you stupid man. I promise you this - do it just one more time and I’ll have you in a nursing home before you’re 50.

The philosopher George Santayana said, ‘Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.’ Scholars have endlessly debated over whether he was referring to political hierarchical maneuverings or merely commentating on the increasingly obsolete religious structures of the day.

I’m pretty sure he was talking about an open flap shit leak in his son’s nappy.

Back tomorrow.

I post updates on my Twitter and Facebook pages if you want to keep reading but please don’t feel pressured into anything. You can also sign up to email updates at the top right of this page.

Read from the beginning here.


lingjie shi said...

I accidentally viewed your blog and I was so amazed with your work that it touched the deepness of my heart and it made me sentimental. Thanks for posting. Visit my site to buy replique montre

micalk senlldy said...

The second Seiko Prospex Blue Lagoon is the Samurai, specifically the new SRPB09. From the standpoint of its beautiful dial and coloration, it is essentially identical to the Replica Watches Seiko Prospex Blue Lagoon Turtle, but it is different in a few important ways. First, at 43.8mm, it's a bit smaller than the Turtle. Second, while it's powered by the nearly identical 4R35 automatic movement, the Samurai uses only a Breitling Replica Watches date instead of the Turtle's day/date complication. This also allows the Samurai to keep a small luminescent marker at 3:00 while the Turtle lacks the space. Furthermore, it's slightly more Replica Watches Uk affordable at $550 USD and has a more conventional crown placement. Whichever one you prefer, just 6,000 of each will be made worldwide, a number that's effectively smaller than it may first appear due to the accessible Replica Omega Watches price point. Both are serious tool watches, built and priced to see real-world use. They're also far better-looking than their older counterparts, perhaps more beautiful than a tool watch has any right to be.

replicahorlogesnederland said...

Terwijl ik een compliment, ik voel me gescheurd in hoe replica horloges vaker wel dan niet reageren. Ik heb een neiging dat ik het adviseren van mensen die tot op heden of zelfs trouwen. Mijn inslag is om individuen te adviseren om te kopen wat ze willen voor hun eerste replica rolex, maar des te meer kritisch, om iets uitzonderlijks en fascinerend als hun eerste uurwerk te kopen.

joyshoesonline said...

Il y a tellement de choses sur lesquelles je veux parler que je ne sais même pas où commencer cette révision des replique montre Panerai Luminor. Je suppose que la chose la plus attirante de la montre est la couverture sur la couronne. Cela pose des questions instantanées. Ce n'est cependant qu'une garde-couronne qui est devenue synonyme de la grande majorité des montres Panerai. Le faux Panerai Luminor est uniquement résistant à l'eau, mais l'original peut résister à de l'eau jusqu'à 100 m sous l'eau et la couronne est très pratique dans ces conditions. Cependant, il s'agit plutôt d'une identité de conception plutôt que d'une fonctionnelle. Je suis sûr que je n'ai pas passé autant de temps à parler d'un gardien de la couronne que je viens de replique montre faire dans cette revue de réplique de cadran noir Panerai Luminor 1950 3 Days GMT.