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Sunday, 28 June 2015

#33: 10 Reasons Why Glastonbury & Parenthood Are The Same

1.You’re surrounded by the smell of shit and baby wipes.
Whether you’re front left at the Pyramid Stage or stood in your kitchen, you’ll be inhaling this aroma the whole time. It’s omnipotent.

2.You’re lucky if you get two hours sleep a night.
It could be your baby screaming the house down or the early morning sun turning your tent into a sweat-den after a late night at Shangri-La, but sleep isn’t happening either way.

3.You inadvertently sing along to some truly terrible music.
From Peppa Pig to Chas and Dave, Tellytubbies to Kanye West – it’s all crap. But you will be humming it. Just because it’s catchy doesn’t mean it’s good. Ebola is catchy.

4.You can say goodbye to nice relaxing toilet breaks.
Whether it’s queueing to squat over a rancid portaloo or doing a poo in installments because you thought you heard your baby crying, neither are attractive options.

5.You’re only ever five minutes away from being kneedeep in sludge.
Maybe it’s a torrential downfall or maybe it’s a poonami nappy leak. Either way you had better be prepared.

6.Peculiar fashion choices and dubious stains are par for the course.
Is that Nutella on the sofa? Are you wearing a tutu? Why are my hands brown? Are those underpants on your head? WHY IS THIS NORMAL?

7.You feel something wet hit your body and you pray it’s just water.
First you feel the liquid hit your body. Next you hear the noise and try to work out what it is. Surely no-one would wee in a bottle and throw it into a crowd, would they? And surely gravity would prevent my son from puking onto my neck from his playmat?

8.You try to capture everything on your phone instead of enjoying the moment.
And why wouldn’t you? Your kids will never be that age again. Although there’s no excuse to be whipping out your iPhone at Glasto, just to capture some half-arsed footage that would end up on the cutting room floor of a GCSE Media Studies project. The BBC are filming it all with professional cameras and everything, so put your smart phone back in your sweaty pocket.

9.You’ll see things you won’t see anywhere else.
At Glastonbury in 2007 I witnessed a twenty stone bollock-naked man who was painted silver wave his willy in my mates face before stealing his chips. Yesterday at home I saw my son wee in his own mouth and totally enjoy the taste. I’m unlikely to see either of these things in Tesco.

10. It’s hard going but totally worth it.
Trudging back to your coach pick up point with a ripped rucksack and chafing wellies after five days on the ale is nobody’s idea of fun. Neither is mopping up baby poo with a pair of socks because you’ve run out of wipes and the shops are shut. But both are insignificant next to the joy you get in return.

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Monday, 8 June 2015

#30: The 12 Different Types of Nappy

Opening your baby’s nappy is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get and you’ll probably end up with sticky fingers. My twin boys are 10 weeks old and these are the 12 types of nappy I’ve encountered so far.

(If you’re eating your dinner I recommend reading this a bit later on.)

1.The Leak (AKA The Pooseidon Adventure)
It’s everywhere except in the nappy itself. Worse still, it’s leaving a trail. If Hansel and Gretel had a leaking baby with them the story would’ve ended happily.

This type makes me actually doubt gravity. How can something that goes down end up on their shoulder? If it wasn't so gross you'd stand up and applaud. Unfortunately you can’t even enjoy the irony of removing a sleepsuit with bum juice up the back and ‘Too Cute’ across the front.

(There are many causes of The Leak, one of which I covered in it’s full gory detail here.)

2.The Tardis (AKA The Turdis, The Doctor Poo)
This is when the amount of waste inside is more than physics will allow. Normally accompanied by a cry of ‘HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?’ from the erstwhile changer.

Disgusting but scientifically fascinating.

3.The Adidas
Three stripes of poo in perfect unison.

In the interest of corporate balance I once had some baby sick on my t-shirt that looked like the Nike swoosh.

4.The Turn A Blind Eye (AKA The Can I Leave it?)
We’ve all been there – you’ve had a tricky feed with enough puke to wallpaper the lounge. You’ve just got them down and you’re about to drop off yourself. But just before you reach the promised land of nod the silence is pierced by a sound so squelchy that you suspect a pair of ducks have broken in and started mud wrestling.

The questions go through your head.

Should I get out of bed and check the nappy?
Or should I just pretend there is nothing to check?

If you go with the latter make sure you have a decent cover story when the grisly incident is uncovered.

“Sorry luv, he was fine when I went to sleep. I must have already dropped off by the time he shat on the curtains.”

5.The Phantom (AKA The X Factor - all hype, zero content)
You've heard plenty of bottom chatter but you open the nappy and it’s emptier than an MP’s promise.  Has it gone back up from whence it came? Was it (for want of a better word) a poomerang? It’s a fecal mystery. The depressing reality is that you may be about to witness the sheer terror of the next type of nappy below.

6.The Live Poo
This is when the whole (and indeed, hole) incident plays out in front of you like an advert for one of those Play Dough factories. Before my sons were born I had never seen a turd leaving it's natural habitat. Now I’ve seen it more than Eastenders.

The first time I was subjected to the abject horror of The Live Poo I was so appalled at what my eyes were seeing I yelped like a dog with its tail caught in a car door. As I shrieked in disgust I jerked my head back, like I'd been shown a truly obnoxious yet very impressive magic trick.

The last time I dealt with a Live Poo the new nappy filled up almost instantly too, as my son continued to download the brownload at high speed. So I ended up recreating the famous scene from Indiana Jones (with my second new nappy) where he quickly replaces the precious stone with his bag of rubble, just to stop the bum nuggets scattering across the carpet.

At times this one can feel like your child is giving a less-than-stellar review of your parenting.

7.The Encore
It’s finished. It’s over. You’ve dealt with it. You’re moving on. Except it’s suddenly started again and you’re back to square one. Like a low budget horror movie villain, this one takes some licking (if you’ll pardon the expression).

8.The Katie Hopkins
One that is completely full of shit.

9.The Colonel Mustard
Named after the infamous Cluedo character, even though it’s very obvious whodunnit. The smell is troubling, as is the colour – never mind the Bristol Stool Scale, you’ll need the Dulux Colour Chart to figure out what’s going on with this one.

10.The Deal or No Deal
When you open the nappy to find the opposite of what you were hoping for, but respond by saying ‘It’s alright, it’s alright.’ Even though it’s definitely not alright.

11.The Profiterole (Male Only)
When the sheer amount of anal snakes released into the nappy has caused your poor baby’s gonads to be drizzled in bottom chocolate, causing them to resemble the famous French faux pastry balls.

12.The Poonami (aka The Turdal Wave)
All of the above combined. This will ruin your clothes, your day and your spirit. It’s also guaranteed to happen in Costa.
Forget wipes, you need to bring in NATO. Keep your pets at arms-length too or they’ll be looking like those poor sea animals when there’s an oil spillage.
If you haven’t experienced one of these yet, you will. And it will leave a stain on your soul just as stubborn as the one on the sofa.

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