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Sunday, 28 June 2015

#33: 10 Reasons Why Glastonbury & Parenthood Are The Same

1.You’re surrounded by the smell of shit and baby wipes.
Whether you’re front left at the Pyramid Stage or stood in your kitchen, you’ll be inhaling this aroma the whole time. It’s omnipotent.

2.You’re lucky if you get two hours sleep a night.
It could be your baby screaming the house down or the early morning sun turning your tent into a sweat-den after a late night at Shangri-La, but sleep isn’t happening either way.

3.You inadvertently sing along to some truly terrible music.
From Peppa Pig to Chas and Dave, Tellytubbies to Kanye West – it’s all crap. But you will be humming it. Just because it’s catchy doesn’t mean it’s good. Ebola is catchy.

4.You can say goodbye to nice relaxing toilet breaks.
Whether it’s queueing to squat over a rancid portaloo or doing a poo in installments because you thought you heard your baby crying, neither are attractive options.

5.You’re only ever five minutes away from being kneedeep in sludge.
Maybe it’s a torrential downfall or maybe it’s a poonami nappy leak. Either way you had better be prepared.

6.Peculiar fashion choices and dubious stains are par for the course.
Is that Nutella on the sofa? Are you wearing a tutu? Why are my hands brown? Are those underpants on your head? WHY IS THIS NORMAL?

7.You feel something wet hit your body and you pray it’s just water.
First you feel the liquid hit your body. Next you hear the noise and try to work out what it is. Surely no-one would wee in a bottle and throw it into a crowd, would they? And surely gravity would prevent my son from puking onto my neck from his playmat?

8.You try to capture everything on your phone instead of enjoying the moment.
And why wouldn’t you? Your kids will never be that age again. Although there’s no excuse to be whipping out your iPhone at Glasto, just to capture some half-arsed footage that would end up on the cutting room floor of a GCSE Media Studies project. The BBC are filming it all with professional cameras and everything, so put your smart phone back in your sweaty pocket.

9.You’ll see things you won’t see anywhere else.
At Glastonbury in 2007 I witnessed a twenty stone bollock-naked man who was painted silver wave his willy in my mates face before stealing his chips. Yesterday at home I saw my son wee in his own mouth and totally enjoy the taste. I’m unlikely to see either of these things in Tesco.

10. It’s hard going but totally worth it.
Trudging back to your coach pick up point with a ripped rucksack and chafing wellies after five days on the ale is nobody’s idea of fun. Neither is mopping up baby poo with a pair of socks because you’ve run out of wipes and the shops are shut. But both are insignificant next to the joy you get in return.

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