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Saturday, 11 July 2015

#36: Wee Need To Talk

If you’ve read this blog before you’ll be aware of my struggle to master the nappy change.

I thought I’d made progress recently but today I had another setback. At the moment it feels like it’s one step forward, two steps back. And most of those steps end up treading shite on the carpet.

I won’t tell you which one of the twins did this because I sincerely hope they read this one day and I wouldn’t wish to embarrass them. Whichever one of you is reading, son - it was your brother.

It was a regulation nappy change so I whipped his off and fumbled around for the Willy Wigwam but his member was already pointing towards me like the threatening finger of a neighbour who’s caught a child retrieving his ball from their garden, trampling through their geraniums in the process. It was moving skywards like a little sun dial pointing to piss-o-clock.

Before I even had time to grab a wipe or run away he peed all over himself. That’s fairly standard so no problem there. Then a bit went on his face and he instantly started screaming as if his urine was boiling hot water. For a second I wondered if that might actually make a Pot Noodle taste better or worse.

Then it shot into his mouth. This troubled me but not as much as what was to follow.

He totally LOVED IT.

He stopped crying instantly, like someone had pressed a mute button. Worse than that, he started to enjoy the taste, trying to extract as much flavour as possible from every last drop. As he did this he moved his hand to his side as if he was an expert sommelier trying to place a vintage.

I would have laughed if my jaw hadn’t been on the floor.

The whole scene was starting to resemble the winner’s podium at a Grand Prix so I decided to put a stop to it. He didn’t look like he was going to stop weeing anytime before the next Olympics so I steered his hips to the side to force the flow away from his face and instead towards the wall.

As the wee moved away from his tastebuds the crying returned.

Who am I to judge? Maybe baby piss tastes like Kia Ora. I’m sure he’ll be generous enough to aim a portion my way at some point so I’ll keep you posted.

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