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Friday, 21 August 2015

#42: The 15 Types of Baby Puke

I’ve been in loads of pukey situations in my life – lads holidays, rugby tours, choppy boat trips. I even once watched a Celine Dion DVD. But I have never experienced a variety of puking as diverse as since my twins were born.

1.The Seagull
They’ve only just fed but you can’t resist holding them aloft like Superman. It’s so cute! Until on the third swoop they vomit like a drain all over your face. You’re an idiot and you deserve every drop.

2.The Snail Trail
Moves down your back slower than a Child Benefit back-payment, leaving a nasty stream behind it. Normally starts on your shoulder and can end anywhere as low as your calf or ankle.

3.The Low Blow
Puke all over your crotch. Easily the worst place to have a visible stain so you can guarantee this will only happen in Starbucks.

4.The Fangs
Two dribbles, one each side of the mouth. You feed them. You look away. You look back and they’ve turned into baby Dracula.

5.The Beppe
Similar to The Fangs but with an extra line of puke down the centre of the chin. Causing a resemblance with the godawful goatee beard of lesser-known and long forgotten Eastenders character Beppe di Marco. 

6.The Shotgun
A puke with such vociferous force it pushes their head back from the blast. Normally resulting in a mess of such Biblical proportions that you’ll need to get Greenpeace in for the clean-up operation.

7.The Nike Swoosh.
Just Wipe It.

8.The Epilets
A couple of symmetrical attacks that land on the top of your shoulders, giving you the grand title of Sergeant Spew for the rest of the day.

9.The Satellite Delay
It was a textbook feed. If there was a Nobel Prize for guzzling your baby would definitely be in the running. Puke free burps all round – a beautiful thing. You dress them and still nothing. You get them in their car seat and BOOM! You’ll never wear those suede shoes again.

10.The Ghostbusters
When your little bundle of joy decides to pay tribute to the final scene of the classic 1985 movie (when Mr Staypuft The Marshmallow Man explodes and covers most of Manhattan in a gooey white substance.) Also see: ‘He Slimed Me’ as a popular expression from victims.

11.The Channel 5
As in ‘not quite complete coverage’ but there or thereabouts. This joke doesn’t even work in the age of digital TV so thanks in advance for not bringing that up.

12.The Parcel Force
When you can’t possibly predict when or where the barf-delivery will arrive, despite information to the contrary.

13.The Madonna
When their pukey conduct necessitates several full costume changes.

14.The Banksy (Multiples only)
Some call it art. Some call it vandalism. And nobody knows who really did it.

15.The Stealth
You’ve fed and winded them. You’ve put them down for a nap and you’ve moved on with your life. Your friend has popped round and you’ve made them a brew. You’ve both sat down and somehow they’ve now got a thimble full of vomit on the back of their new jumper. Do you tell them? Or do you prove where your baby inherited their sneakiness from?

Monday, 10 August 2015

#40: 10 Things I've Learned (as a parent of 4 months)

1. Leaving the house on time is harder than Chinese algebra.

2. A hot cup of coffee is something I used to drink.

3. An ‘epic’ lie-in as a dad means getting up at 8.30am.

4. The Gruffalo’s Child is the best sequel since The Godfather Part II.

5. ‘Has this got poo on it?’ is now the most popular question in our house.

6. Changing rancid nappies is a great way to stop biting your nails.

7. Your childless male friends don’t want to hear in depth stories about your son’s first smile.

8. It’s possible to be so tired that you feel sick.

9. Eating half a pack of biscuits for breakfast every day for a month makes you fat.

10. Having another parent tell you their babies ‘sleep right through’ does not enhance your day.

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