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Saturday, 31 October 2015

The Secret Diary of a 6 Month Old (Part 4)


MONDAY
Refused to take my nap today - was convinced something amazing was going to happen and didn’t want to miss it. Nothing happened. Got annoyed.

TUESDAY
My food arrived but they didn’t feed me for ages. They kept shouting a lot and blowing on it. I started to whinge so the idiots gave me a tambourine. I wanted food, not percussion.

WEDNESDAY
I cried for ages last night so they put me into the big people’s bed which was well comfier than my stupid cot. If that’s what happens when you cry I’ll definitely do that again tonight.

THURSDAY
Tried to cry myself into their bed again but they stood firm. Cried harder than ever but in the end gave up and had a really lovely sleep actually.

FRIDAY
Teeth were hurting me today. Why do people think I want to see them pull funny faces when I’m crying? They’ve got no idea what I’m going through.

SATURDAY
Felt a bit sad today but then did a poo that took lots of effort and then I felt dead happy. Made sure I locked eyes with a big person while I was doing it. I think it freaks them out.

SUNDAY
I’m glad I’m not a big person. They always seem so tired. They should sleep more. Sleep is brilliant.

(To be continued...)

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

Thursday, 29 October 2015

The Secret Diary of a 6 Month Old (Part 3)


MONDAY
Woke up late in a great mood and forgot I was hungry. Then remembered I was hungry and all hell broke loose.

TUESDAY
Can't be sure but think one of the big people did a trump today and blamed it on me. I know I'm new here but that doesn't seem fair. Gonna fill my nappy tomorrow and blame them.

WEDNESDAY
New toy arrived today and wasn't sure about it so put it in my mouth for a bit. Still not sure but left it in my mouth anyway.

THURSDAY
Big people were really annoying at food time. Kept holding my hands. So what if I want to eat through my eyes? I'm an individual.

FRIDAY
Was in a really grabby mood today. Felt like grabbing everything. Grabbed myself in the bath in a part I didn't know existed and the big people laughed but then looked quite concerned.

SATURDAY
Had some food today that was even nicer than my bib. Made my face move in directions I didn't think was possible. Mind. Blown.

SUNDAY
Got given the same food as yesterday and was so excited but it turned out to be totally different food and I hated it. Never felt so betrayed in all my life.

(To be continued...)

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

The Secret Diary of a 6 Month Old (Part 2)


MONDAY
Waited till they dressed me in a brand new outfit and then puked everywhere. Managed to get some on the curtains. Best. Day. Ever.

TUESDAY
Tried to wriggle off the end of the sofa but the big people stopped me. They have no sense of adventure.

WEDNESDAY
Pooed myself awake this morning. It definitely gets your day off to a brisk start. If I can keep this up I won't ever be late for anything.

THURSDAY
Tried to eat my bib for dinner. It tasted amazing, much better than that stuff they shove towards my face all the time.

FRIDAY
Got left next to another little person today, for ages. I think they expected us to be best mates but we had nothing in common really.

SATURDAY
Woke myself up crying because my dummy had totally vanished. Big people pointed out it was in my hand. Felt embarrassed but didn’t show it.

SUNDAY
Screamed for my food at dinnertime and then screamed because I didn't want food. I don’t understand why the bib wasn't on the menu. Who is actually in charge here?

To be continued...

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

Monday, 26 October 2015

The Morning After a Bad Baby Night

6.45am
F**k this. Snooze button. SNOOZE BUTTON. Another seven minutes will sort me out.

6.47am
Well that was a blissful 120 seconds. Best get up. That screaming from the next room is like being at the dentist.

7.40am
I feel fine now. I really love being up at this time anyway. The lads are happy and smiling. Life is perfect.

9.35am
CHRIST. I'd donate a body part just to go back to bed. Not a leg or anything like that. Just a toe. My little toe. Doesn't do much anyway. Definitely cut my toe off for another 2 hours. Maybe I'd bargain for 3 hours actually. It is my toe after all.

10.40am
I WOULD HACK MY OWN ARM OFF WITH A RUSTY SAW FOR 20 MINUTES WITH MY EYES SHUT.

11.05am
Need coffee. God I need coffee. I'm definitely addicted. If they made coffee illegal I'd probably get involved in all sorts of petty crime.

11.20am
Wow. I'm buzzing now. Another large cup, me thinks.

12.05pm
Jesus God almighty I feel fantastic! Think I'll have a go at that grouting in the kitchen when the lads have a nap. Best put the kettle on again.

1.15pm
Think I overdid the coffee. Feel weird now. Can't think straight. Teeth are grinding. Face feels like it's vibrating.

2.20pm
Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhm?

4.05pm
Feel mildly depressed here. Must be a come down from all the coffee. Need something else to keep me going though. Isn't there a can of that mad energy drink in the fridge?

4.10pm
How is this stuff available over the counter, it's frigging nuclear! No wonder kids are all stabbing each other drinking this shit every day.

5.15pm
Flagging again. Need chocolate now. Or cake. Just mainline sugar into my eyes please. Help me?

6.00pm
Nearly there. Or am I hallucinating? Why are new parents the ones who are sleep deprived, we need sleep more than anyone. It's not fair. Feel like weeping. Jesus, pull yourself together you pathetic excuse of a man. 

6.35pm
All those lie-ins I used to have, I never appreciated them at the time. What a waste.

7.05pm
Lads are in bed. Should definitely go to bed myself. Can still feel the effects of that energy drink though. Plus I need some 'me' time now. Where's that bottle of wine?

*stays up till 2am watching bad telly*

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

Sunday, 25 October 2015

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week #6


1.People caught parking in the parent & child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven't napped.

2.The sense of injustice felt by a near sleeping baby as they remove their own dummy is comparable only with false imprisonment.

3.My sons have got enough food in their neck folds for their own Harvest Festival.

4.The only people who benefit from the clocks going back are the people who don't need an extra hours sleep in the first place. Bastards.

5.Four ruined outfits in an hour means the day is officially a write-off, everything is cancelled and you should go back to bed. (Like that’s an option…)

6.If they made a Top Gear style show about prams I would definitely watch it.

7.When burping your baby in public it's always good to check there's nobody directly behind you. (And to the lady in the sheepskin coat in John Lewis, my sincere apologies.)

8.If you ever turn down the offer of a nap you will regret that decision till the day you die.

9.Dads who don't or won't change nappies are letting the side down. Man up.

10.Buying tampons (and only tampons) while shopping with the babies is a great time to bump into the lads from footy for the first time in ages.

(Read #7 here)

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week #5

(Read last #4 here)

1.Blaming your baby's trumps on your partner never gets old.

2.Bathroom breaks are legitimate little holidays now. I won't rule out sit-down wees at some point either.

3.If you get too close to the baby monitor with the receiver the babies will wake up thinking they're at Download Festival.

4.It's easy to forget this and do it two days running.

5.Some sleepsuits are harder to get into than RADA.

6.People on the next table in Starbucks aren't as fascinated with your baby's bowel movements as you are.

7.Sleep deprivation is a tit. I queued for 5 minutes behind a row of empty parked cars.

8.My opinion on weaning poos fluctuates more than the weather. I'm a fan again this week.

9.One of our twins needs to play a lot of sport when he grows up as the way he's eating Channel 5 will want to make a documentary about him.

10.Using the baby change facilities when there's a queue makes you feel like you're on an episode of 'The Cube'.

(Read #6 here)

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

The Secret Diary of a 6 Month Old.

MONDAY
Today was brilliant – I cried all afternoon and refused to nap. Then did a wee in my cot so they had to change all the sheets. Can’t wait for tomorrow.

TUESDAY
Tried the crying thing again but accidentally fell asleep for three hours and woke up feeling great. Gutted.

WEDNESDAY
Had some proper food today. Don’t like chewing for myself though so as a protest I spat most of it onto the floor. Take that, big people.

THURSDAY
Managed to shove my hand right down my throat and made myself do a really weird cough that felt quite bad. Did it again straight after just to check. Felt bad again. Will try it loads tomorrow.

FRIDAY
Left a tiny bit of sick behind the sofa. They won’t find that for months. Fight the power!

SATURDAY
Had some fish for dinner. Quite enjoyed it but haven’t worked out how to tell my face yet so looked like I hated it. Then threw up this smelly fishy puke all over my sleepsuit so they put me in the bath. Then pooed in the bath so they got me out very quickly while making lots of noise and I went to bed still smelling a bit fishy but feeling very happy.

SUNDAY
Pooed in the bath again. On purpose this time. It just feels so natural. Big people went crazy again, you’d think someone took their dummy out. Don't know what all the fuss is about. 


I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

Sunday, 11 October 2015

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week #4


1.Parents who tell you their kids 'always sleep right through' are pure dicks.

2.After seven hours straight with babies it’s REALLY difficult to talk to another adult without wanting to squeeze their cheeks and make noises like a lunatic.

3.I don't know what the adult equivalent of Calpol is but I need to get my hands on some.

4.Reflux causes more delays than a Tube strike.

5.Opening picture messages from your wife should be done discretely as they may contain a photo of your son's first actual turd.

6.I've forgotten what the bottom of our laundry basket looks like.

7.Nappy rash can seem worse than it is - my son's rump looked like The Rolling Stones logo all week but he was fine.

8.Nothing makes you feel more middle class than a baby massage class.

9.Shouting 'COOL DOWN YOU BASTARD' at a bowl of baby porridge has little or no effect.

10. Failure to tie both ends of the bag inside the nappy bin properly will result in a world of hurt for you and your family.

Thursday, 8 October 2015

The Nappy Changing Guide for Dummies

First of all, don't panic.
Panicking is only useful if you’ve been set on fire or they open a new till at Aldi. In a nappy change environment, panic will ruin both your spirit and nice carpet.

Be prepared.
This isn't Chicago in the 40’s and you’re not Miles Davis - you can't just rock up and start improvising. You need to nail this operation to the wall. Get everything you need ready. Would you go camping without a tent?

Wipes, wipes and more wipes.
You can't have too many but you can definitely have too few. The last thing you want is to run out and have to use your sock.

Grab a new nappy. (Yes, you'll need one of these.)
This sounds more patronizing than offering Lance Armstrong tips on bullshit I've lost count of the number of times I've done the hard work by getting a clean bum ready but forgotten to prep the fresh nappy. This is the parental equivalent of dribbling past three defenders, dancing round the oncoming keeper and then spooning the ball over the crossbar.

Open the new nappy up.
You can’t bake a pie without making the pastry so open the flaps, flatten it out and for the love of god, work out which end is the front.

Which end is the front though?
Fuck knows. Maybe there’s a little teddy bear or something on it.

Get the nappy bag ready.
By ready I mean open. You don't want to be licking your fingers to get purchase on the bag after a messy change.

Have you pulled the new nappy’s flaps out yet?
For god’s sake, why not?  Do it now.

Undo the dirty nappy and brace yourself
The contents aren’t going to be fun - it’s a dirty nappy, not a party popper. The best you can hope for is that it’s just chock-full of piss. Hardly cause for celebration.

Get the old nappy off. Quickly!
Take care but don’t hang about. Imagine you’re at a self-scan checkout and there’s a massive queue behind you.

You’re panicking aren’t you? I specifically told you NOT to panic.
I shouldn’t have mentioned the self-scan checkout.

Get wiping!
Remember those wipes you got ready? Use all of them.

If it’s a girl, don’t wipe back to front.
Nobody wants a muddy front garden.

If it’s a boy, his willy is a weapon.
There'll be no warning siren or countdown - just hot piss all over you. And that’s if you’re lucky - if you’re unlucky he’ll wazz into his own face and seem to love it, leaving you feeling rather disturbed. And curious.

Hold their legs. Tight.
They’ll try to Riverdance their way through their own bumjuice. They must be stopped.                               
That beautiful nursey wall you spent hours painting before the baby arrived, singing lullabies and feeling happier that you can ever remember? Totally splattered with shit in 5 seconds.

Grab their hands too.
It feels like you’re holding down a patient as you put them into a straightjacket but wriggling isn’t welcome here. My boys believe their fresh excrement being on show is a perfect occasion to do the Y.M.C.A.

Wrap that dirty nappy up tight.
Like an enchilada, ideally. Otherwise your bin will stink like Willy Wonka’s jock strap.

Get the new nappy on, now!
Lift their bum up and slide it underneath like a coaster. Pull the ties up and stick them down properly.

Stop panicking!
You’re making me really anxious. Pull yourself together.

If you haven’t pulled the flaps out, go back to the beginning. You have failed.
You weren’t listening were you? You might as well not bother changing them now as your ineptitude has just enabled something messier than the Happy Monday’s tour bus all over your sofa.

I know your shame, I’ve been there myself. Read my account here.

If you’ve pulled the flaps out, you have completed your mission.
Well done. Allow yourself a short moment of smugness.

Don’t get cocky.
You have won today’s battle but make no mistake, your baby will win this dirty war. Enjoy your small victory and get ready to go again. And don’t bite your nails.

Sunday, 4 October 2015

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week #3


1.I'd rather do my tax return on a roller coaster than look after twins with a hangover.

2.‘The Wheels on the Bus’ is a truly terrible song. They probably use it in Guantanamo Bay.

3.No matter how long you wait, the bathroom doesn't start to self-clean itself like white people with dreadlocks tell you their hair does.

4.A baby's neck-folds is a legitimate place to check for lost property.

5.My comment two weeks ago about being a fan of solid food poos was hopelessly premature. They are rank.

6.A 6 month old can kick you hard enough in the knackers to doubt you’ll ever give them more siblings.

7.Whoever designed babies is a dick. "I know! When they need to sleep really badly I'll programme them to get incredibly angry so that sleep is impossible!”

8.The 'Calpol Spritzer' that the wife joked about sounds pretty tempting.

9.I love my kids more than anything in the world.

10. I’d love them a little bit more if they'd stop shitting in the bath.

(Read #4 here)