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Monday, 26 October 2015

The Morning After a Bad Baby Night

6.45am
F**k this. Snooze button. SNOOZE BUTTON. Another seven minutes will sort me out.

6.47am
Well that was a blissful 120 seconds. Best get up. That screaming from the next room is like being at the dentist.

7.40am
I feel fine now. I really love being up at this time anyway. The lads are happy and smiling. Life is perfect.

9.35am
CHRIST. I'd donate a body part just to go back to bed. Not a leg or anything like that. Just a toe. My little toe. Doesn't do much anyway. Definitely cut my toe off for another 2 hours. Maybe I'd bargain for 3 hours actually. It is my toe after all.

10.40am
I WOULD HACK MY OWN ARM OFF WITH A RUSTY SAW FOR 20 MINUTES WITH MY EYES SHUT.

11.05am
Need coffee. God I need coffee. I'm definitely addicted. If they made coffee illegal I'd probably get involved in all sorts of petty crime.

11.20am
Wow. I'm buzzing now. Another large cup, me thinks.

12.05pm
Jesus God almighty I feel fantastic! Think I'll have a go at that grouting in the kitchen when the lads have a nap. Best put the kettle on again.

1.15pm
Think I overdid the coffee. Feel weird now. Can't think straight. Teeth are grinding. Face feels like it's vibrating.

2.20pm
Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhm?

4.05pm
Feel mildly depressed here. Must be a come down from all the coffee. Need something else to keep me going though. Isn't there a can of that mad energy drink in the fridge?

4.10pm
How is this stuff available over the counter, it's frigging nuclear! No wonder kids are all stabbing each other drinking this shit every day.

5.15pm
Flagging again. Need chocolate now. Or cake. Just mainline sugar into my eyes please. Help me?

6.00pm
Nearly there. Or am I hallucinating? Why are new parents the ones who are sleep deprived, we need sleep more than anyone. It's not fair. Feel like weeping. Jesus, pull yourself together you pathetic excuse of a man. 

6.35pm
All those lie-ins I used to have, I never appreciated them at the time. What a waste.

7.05pm
Lads are in bed. Should definitely go to bed myself. Can still feel the effects of that energy drink though. Plus I need some 'me' time now. Where's that bottle of wine?

*stays up till 2am watching bad telly*

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

2 comments:

keepingthehumour said...

I can completely relate. I've started drinking my coffee from a clear mug so my husband knows when it's safe to talk to me!

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