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Saturday, 28 November 2015

101 Things I've Learned As A Parent


1.The grime inside a baby’s neck folds is worse than anything found on a nightclub floor.

2.Coffee is more important than oxygen.

3. People caught parking in the parent & child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven't napped.

4.Dirty nappies after solids get a very bad press. I’m a fan.

5.It’s possible to get so excited about going to sleep that you can’t sleep.



6.Babies should be born with teeth.

7.If something looks like poo and smells like poo, it’s poo.

8.If something looks like Marmite and smells like Marmite, it’s poo.

9. Walking round in public with baby sick stains on your crotch is only acceptable if people see you’re with a baby, otherwise you’re just a weirdo.

10.Playing with my kids is amazing but nap time is even better.

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11.Running out of baby wipes mid-change is scarier than any of the Saw movies.

12.It’s pointless emptying the nappy bin as it will always be full. Always.

13.Joking to your wife that you really appreciate her ‘doing her 49% share of everything’ is definitely not funny.

14.Nothing can prepare you for the first time they poo in the bath. It’s horrific.

15. Some parents want their kids to go to a redbrick university or take over the family business. I just want mine to stop emptying their arses all over the sofa.




16.Some baby bowel movements are like an exorcism – pain – fear – relief. Followed by unbridled joy.

17.The smell of a bad nappy lingers in your house longer than the last few coffee Quality Streets at Christmas.

18.It’s possible to drink that much coffee you can hear your teeth.

19.Few things are sadder than reaching for a bottle of wine from the rack and remembering that’s now where you store the kitchen roll.

20.Nothing brings you back down to earth quicker after a really good gig than cleaning a pair of rancid arses.

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21.I'd rather do my tax return on a roller coaster than look after twins with a hangover.

22.‘The Wheels on the Bus’ is a truly terrible song. They probably use it in Guantanamo Bay.

23.No matter how long you wait, the bathroom doesn't start to self-clean itself like white people with dreadlocks tell you their hair does.

24.A baby's neck-folds is a legitimate place to check for lost property.

25.My comment earlier about being a fan of solid food poos was hopelessly premature. They are rank.




26.A 6 month old can kick you hard enough in the knackers to doubt you’ll ever give them more siblings.

27.Whoever designed babies is a dick. "I know! When they need to sleep really badly I'll programme them to get incredibly angry so that sleep is impossible!”

28.The 'Calpol Spritzer' that the wife joked about sounds pretty tempting.

29.I love my kids more than anything in the world.

30. I’d love them a little bit more if they'd stop shitting in the bath.
31.Parents who tell you their kids 'always sleep right through' are pure dicks.

32.After seven hours straight with babies it’s REALLY difficult to talk to another adult without wanting to squeeze their cheeks and make noises like a lunatic.

33.I don't know what the adult equivalent of Calpol is but I need to get my hands on some.

34.Reflux causes more delays than a Tube strike.

35.Opening picture messages from your wife should be done discretely as they may contain a photo of your son's first actual turd.


36.I've forgotten what the bottom of our laundry basket looks like.

37.Nappy rash can seem worse than it is - my son's rump looked like The Rolling Stones logo all week but he was fine.

38.Nothing makes you feel more middle class than a baby massage class.

39.Shouting 'COOL DOWN YOU BASTARD' at a bowl of baby porridge has little or no effect.

40.Failure to tie both ends of the bag inside the nappy bin properly will result in a world of hurt for you and your family.
41.Leaving the house on time is harder than Chinese algebra.

42.‘Has this got poo on it?’ is now the most popular question in our house.

43.The Gruffalo’s Child is the best sequel since The Godfather Part II.

44.Sleep deprivation is a tit. I queued for 5 minutes behind a row of empty parked cars.

45.My opinion on weaning poos fluctuates more than the weather. I'm a fan again now.



46. Changing rancid nappies is a great way to stop biting your nails.

47.Using the baby change facilities when there's a queue makes you feel like you're on an episode of 'The Cube'.

48.Someone has told my lads that solid food is ingested via the ears and nose.

49.The sense of injustice felt by a near sleeping baby as they remove their own dummy is comparable only with false imprisonment.

50.My sons have got enough food in their neck folds for their own Harvest Festival.
51.The only people who benefit from the clocks going back are the people who don't need an extra hours sleep in the first place. Bastards.

52.Four ruined outfits in an hour means the day is officially a write-off, everything is cancelled and you should go back to bed. (Like that’s an option…)

53.If they made a Top Gear style show about prams I would definitely watch it.

54.When burping your baby in public it's always good to check there's nobody directly behind you. (And to the lady in the sheepskin coat in John Lewis, my sincere apologies.)

55.If you ever turn down the offer of a nap you will regret that decision till the day you die.




56.Dads who don't or won't change nappies are letting the side down. Man up.

57.Buying tampons (and only tampons) while shopping with the babies is a great time to bump into the lads from footy for the first time in ages.

58.I don’t care that the daughter of your friend’s sister had twins. I’m just a man in Asda trying to buy milk.

59. Both twins simultaneously weeing in the bath to create a live water feature is much funnier than I thought.

60.Your baby pooing in the bath stops being funny after the 11th time.
61.Until you’ve put a four-day old soiled muslin cloth to your nose to check if it’s clean you have no idea what the phrase ‘rank smell’ means. No idea at all.

62.Pureed roast dinners are well nice.

63.On the right day, after the wrong night, running out of coffee can make you want to weep uncontrollably.

64.Imitating your son’s ‘Poo Stare’ will scare your wife more than any trick or treaters.

65.A baby that won’t nap is more stubborn than the last bit of ketchup in the jar.




66.Making my 7 month old twins laugh uncontrollably with a silly noise feels better than making 500 strangers laugh with a crafted routine.

67.Trying to find the right position to soothe a crying baby is like trying to find phone signal at a music festival.

68.Putting eye drops into a wriggling seven month old is harder than playing Jenga on the bus.

69.Just because a song from a toy is catchy doesn't mean it's good. Ebola is catchy.

70.Your kids being born is the best day of your life but getting a tumble dryer comes a very close second.
71.Wearing your wife's maternity pants 'as a joke' can open your mind to new experiences.

72.Traffic Wardens are not sympathetic to the plight of teething twins at home.

73.Teething Twins is a great name for a 1980's New Romantic band.

74.We need to clean between the sofa cushions more often. I found some baby sick so old it needed carbon dating.

75.Humming the Benny Hill theme during nap time gets your jobs done quicker.




76.Between dusk and dawn my foot becomes a magnet for squeaky floorboards.

77.Getting a baby to sleep when they're full of snot is tougher than a Wetherspoon's steak.

78.When choosing which twin to take in the swimming baths it’s always good to choose the one who’s already had a massive dump.

79.Prams should come equipped with big fuck off horns.

80.Repeating the word ‘sleep’ to your baby in different accents of varying quality is not effective in the slightest.
81.When shouting ‘HELLO BOYS!’ to your sons in a camp voice down the hands free phone in your stationary, open-windowed car, it’s good to check first if there’s several butch men standing nearby who may misinterpret you.

82.You can be so exhausted that your face changes shape.

83.The most romantic thing I can do for my wife these days is move the baby monitor to my side of the bed.

84.You can’t use reverse psychology on a 7 month old.

85.If I could teach my sons just one thing it would be that sleep is really good for you when you’re tired. (Like, REALLY good.)




86.You should always remove socks before changing a nappy. Always.

87.‘How many poos can you possibly do in one day?’ is not a rhetorical question to my sons. It’s a challenge.

88.When your baby cries because they’re tired it’s very tempting to join in.

89.The next complete stranger to ask how my twins were conceived is getting slapped.

90.Our laundry basket is like an endlessly erupting linen volcano.
91.Your baby suddenly opening their eyes as you creep in to kiss them goodnight is scarier than any horror movie villain.

92.Even hearing your child scream suddenly from the next room still doesn’t make it any easier to stop a wee in full flow.

93.You know you’re tired when a sex scene comes on the TV and you think, ‘ooh…that bed looks comfy...’

94.If burglars broke into our house I’d only notice when they inevitably couldn’t find their way out of the mess and had to shout for help.

95.My boys would rather have their bums wiped with sandpaper than their faces cleaned with a wet wipe.




96.Small muslin cloths are less than pointless.

97.After writing several posts about your babies puking, pooing and dribbling on your couch, it’s not advisable to then share a friend’s Gumtree advert for their unrelated sofa as people will quite rightly assume it’s yours and not fit for purpose.

98.Your childless male friends don’t want to hear in depth stories about your son’s first smile.

99.A hot cup of coffee is something I used to drink.

100.An ‘epic’ lie-in as a dad means getting up at 8.30am.

101.Despite the previous 100 things, it's the best thing I’ve ever done.

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my parenting blog on Facebook. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

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