Barely a day goes by when I don’t receive an email from a different source telling me exactly what stage of development my baby should be at. These things are relentless and I'm getting sick of them.
It’s my fault, I signed up for them. But these emails are less welcome in my inbox than another Nigerian Lottery win.
Emails like this:
Your baby will now be starting to recognize faces and responding to sounds. They should also be writing basic poetry.
By now your baby should be smiling regularly and beginning to understand simple calculus while starting to develop an appreciation of Ancient Greek architecture.
Your baby should be holding their head at a 45 degree angle and holding sustained academic discussions on the merits of the feudal system while sketching portraits reminiscent in style of minimalist pioneer Ad Reinhardt. They should also be shitting in the bath regularly.
I'm know we need benchmarks but can’t we let them develop at their own pace?
Life is full of keeping up with the Joneses and being herding into step with everyone else. Let's at least cut some slack on our little babies and let them dribble and wriggle their way through their first few months without attaching expectations.
It's one thing to be getting automated emails. To hear these things from other parents is infuriating.
"Are yours not rolling yet? Sebastian was already crawling at 6 months..."
Bully for you, Sebastian. Shame your mother is a complete turd.
I’m going to unsubscribe from all of these emails today. Then I'm going to watch my twin sons try to eat their own hands while babbling total nonsense and I'm going to enjoy every bloody second of it.
I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page)