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Thursday, 31 December 2015

10 Things I've Learned as a NEW Parent in 2015

1.I've gained weight quicker than a sleeping bag in the rain.

2.Tidying up isn't a job you can finish - it's a constant work in progress.

3.Sleep is an old friend I've lost touch with.

4.Without coffee I am nothing.

5.When your baby laughs the world makes sense.

6.I've never been skydiving but I can't imagine that experience comes close to the exhilaration of getting both twins to nap simultaneously.

7.My personal standards are now lower than an earthworms arsecheek. I leave the house with stains on my pants most days.

8.Babies give you endless new material to write about but zero time to write it.

9.I'm proud of the NHS. On this day last year we received some heartbreaking news about one of our little boys at a routine pregnancy scan. Due to the diligent, professional and compassionate care we received from NHS staff we now have two healthy, happy babies a year later. Thank you.

10.I'm fucked if I'm staying up till midnight tonight.

Thanks for all your support in 2015 and I hope you all have a happy and healthy 2016 :)

Sam x

Monday, 21 December 2015

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#13)

(Apologies for the delay in getting this up on the site late - it went up on my FB page over a week ago but due to a dose of man-flu and the busy Xmas period I'm only putting it online 'properly' now.)

1.They should invent dummies you can locate by whistling or clapping, like with car keys.

2.You don't have to 'enjoy every minute' of parenthood. When they're coughing their guts up and you're full of flu it's worse than root canal surgery with an unqualified dentist.

3.All I want for Christmas is my lad to get his two front teeth. PLEASE BABY JESUS, MAKE IT HAPPEN.

4.Judging by where the mess tends to end up, my other son's bum hole is pointing upwards.

5.If the twins keep sneaking in with us I need to lose weight or buy a bigger bed.

6.It's easy to become everything you hate. I saw a mum pushing triplets and felt compelled to tell her that I have twins. She couldn't have given less of a fuck and rightly so.

7.I'd rather not kiss my kids goodnight than run the risk of waking them up.

8.Me and the wife don't have names anymore. We're mummy and daddy.

9.A balanced diet in December is eating each flavour of Chocolate Orange for breakfast.

10.No matter how hard or stressful your day has been, a smile from your baby washes it all away, like a wet wipe for the soul.

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

The Secret Diary of an 8 Month Old (Part 10)

MONDAY
I've decided to stop laughing from now on. Whatever I laugh at just gets repeated and repeated by the big people until it's ruined and not funny at all about 5 minutes later. Its a shame and I'll miss it but this has to be done.

TUESDAY
Spent half the day just smiling inwardly until one of the big people sneezed and I lost the plot. Sneezes are so funny.

WEDNESDAY
Got another tooth through. It's getting ridiculous now. At this rate I'll have more teeth than fingers.

THURSDAY
Nailed a few new moves on the wriggle mat this morning. Lifted my head right up which felt good but then dropped it to the mat which really bloody hurt. Cried. Tried it again. Cried again.

FRIDAY
Discovered a new game called 'Grab The Glasses' today. Loads of fun. Reckon I could go professional one day. Big people lose their minds so I know I'm good.

SATURDAY
Big people annoyed me this morning. Was trying to cough and swallow my milk at the same time but they took my bottle away. Obviously multi-tasking isn't encouraged in this house.

SUNDAY
They put a tree in the lounge today. What is going on? A tree! In the lounge! Big people are totally weird.

Monday, 7 December 2015

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#12)

1.It’s a good job babies are cute because several aspects of them are beyond gross.

2.My sons ‘poo stare’ becomes more disturbing by the day. I’m sure he’s squeezing them out sideways.

3.The stench from a burst nappy bag will make you yearn for the sweet aroma of an open sewer.

4.Crossing a busy road with a pram feels like a real life game of Frogger.

5.Apparently to an 8 month old ‘go to sleep’ means ‘do a James Brown impression for the next forty minutes.’

6.Some baby pukes have the force of an angry power shower.

7.Parenthood makes your personal standards plummet quicker than a damp paper aeroplane.

8.You can be so tired your face droops like a novelty candle.

9.My willpower towards food when I’m exhausted is weaker than a field mouse with M.E.

10.Brushing your baby’s first tooth makes you realise with a heavy heart that they really do grow up too fast.

Friday, 4 December 2015

The Secret Diary of an 8 Month Old (Part 9)

MONDAY
Big people put me in the bouncer which is ridiculous because they know it makes me poo. They left me there for ages too, while they farted around picking stuff up off the floor. Decided to bounce like never before. They won’t do that again - that bouncer is wrecked, man.

TUESDAY
Learned a new noise today. Cross between a cough and a scream. Did it all day. Forgot to nap. Big people weren’t impressed. Made the noise at them. They seemed less impressed.

WEDNESDAY
Big people had me laughing by putting the blanket over their head and taking it off again. Credit where credit’s due, it’s brilliant. So clever. I don’t know how they come up with this stuff.

THURSDAY
I was pretty narky this afternoon so they tried that thing with the blanket again. Wasn’t funny in the slightest. They need some new material.

FRIDAY
Was in a proper mood because I was tired (that noise is so much fun to make!) so they put me to bed early. Got the giggles. Made the new noise. Got angry. Went to sleep.

SATURDAY
Got taken to a room with loads of other little people in. Chatted to another little person who seemed to be on my level. We spent ages dribbling and discussing how immature the rest were.

SUNDAY
Cried because I was in the pram. Cried because they took me out the pram. Cried when they cuddled me so they put me in the bouncer. Big mistake. Big people are such slow learners.

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my parenting blog on Facebook. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#11)

1.If I don’t clean that Jumperoo soon we’re gonna have new life forms growing on it.

2.Controlled crying makes you feel like an evil bastard.

3.Our house is a vortex of missing items. This week alone I’ve lost a camcorder, two shoes and my sanity.

4.The twins babbling to each other is like a Welsh sitcom - entertaining and completely incomprehensible.

5.My most consistent and vivid fantasy these days is about owning a second outdoor bin.

6.Babies find their bibs tastier than their food. Twin babies find their sibling’s food tastier than their own bib and their sibling’s bib tastier than everything.

7.My boys are only 8 months old but I can’t remember the time before they got here.

8.The music on ‘Tiddlers TV’ is more repetitive than Status Quo.

9.It’s really difficult to stop yourself from laughing when both babies are blowing raspberries in public.

10.The hangover I used to get from eight pints of lager, half a bottle of Jack Daniels and three Jagerbombs on an empty stomach can now be achieved with one large glass of wine.