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Tuesday, 20 December 2016

The Secret Diary of a 20 Month Old (Part 26)

MONDAY
Got some new books today but for me, there’s nothing more relaxing than sitting down with a book I’m very familiar with. I must have read that one about the zoo a million times and despite the fact there’s no real story, character development or a satisfying conclusion, it really moves me. Plus it’s fun to hear the big people try to inject false enthusiasm into their voice when I demand we read it again.

TUESDAY
I’ve been saying this for a while now but Postman Pat is an absolute knob. I’m only 20 months old and even I know he’d struggle to get his hands on a fucking plane. Love Peppa Pig though. What a role model. I hope I grow up to be just as obnoxious as her.

WEDNESDAY
Refused to take my nap today. Was convinced something amazing was going to happen and I didn’t want to miss it. Nothing happened. Got annoyed.

THURSDAY
Played with daddy’s iPad this morning but they took if off me. Said they’d put it somewhere safe. Found it on the sofa later so put it in the toilet. That’s got a lid so must be really safe. Apparently not. You can’t win with these people.

FRIDAY
Went to see Father Christmas today. What a joke. Who is this man anyway? And why are we queuing up to meet someone with a fake beard who smells of biscuits?

SATURDAY
Note to self – while Sudocrem is great for bum rash, it tastes horrible. I had half a tub in my mouth at one point. Tried to scrape it off my tongue but still had loads on my fingers so made it worse. Started crying which turned the stuff to this horrible gloopy shite. At least I won’t get bum rash on my face now.

SUNDAY
Felt a bit sad today but then did a poo that took lots of effort and then I felt dead happy. Made sure I locked eyes with a big person while I was doing it. I think it freaks them out.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find my parent blog on this website...)

Sunday, 18 December 2016

7 REASONS I WISH I WAS A TODDLER


1.YOU CAN GO TO THE TOILET ANYWHERE
No need to stop at motorway services or even find a tree to hide behind. Just wait till you’re surrounded by loved ones at a family Christening, lock eyes with one of them and angrily squeeze one out. Beautiful and convenient.

2.IT'S SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO THROW A TANTRUM
It’s the Friday before Christmas and your boss asks you to work late. You plaster on a fake smile, nod and say, ‘Of course, no problem at all!’ when all you really want to do is roll round on the floor, waving your limbs until your screaming face is beetroot and you’re choking on your own snotty tears.

3.YOU HAVE ZERO RESPONSIBILITY
Adults have to fret about broken boilers, council tax and Brexit. The biggest conundrum a toddler will face is whether to eat that bogey or smear it across the wall.

4.YOU CAN BE WRECKLESS
Ever fancied running with your eyes shut or getting your face stuck in a hole? How about diving head-first down the stairs or spreading Sudocrem on your tongue? Act in this manner and you’ll no doubt make a poor impression with the in-laws but for toddlers this is just a regular Tuesday.

5.STAINS DON’T MATTER
For adults, milk stains on the crotch look decidedly dubious and will probably ruin that job interview. For pre-schoolers nobody gives a toss and more importantly, your peers won’t judge as they’ll be covered in their own shite too.

6.EVERYTHING IS NEW AND EXCITING
Imagine being shot into outer space to explore unchartered planets, communicating with advanced and unfamiliar life forms while learning exotic cultures and customs. That’s how toddlers feel when they go into a room they’ve not been before.

7.YOU CAN READ THE SAME BOOK AGAIN AND AGAIN
Imagine reading the same book fifteen times a day but LOVING EVERY SECOND. For the under-3’s, ‘Peppa Pig Goes To The Fair’ is a subtle piece of art that grows with repeated readings, not the steaming honk of shit that you consider it to be.

(I post a new parenting list to my FB page every Sunday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find more blogs on this website...)

Wednesday, 14 December 2016

The Secret Diary of a 20 Month Old (Part 25)

MONDAY
The big people need to understand that just because I’ve got shit in my pants doesn’t mean I need changing. The smell might be horrible but I honestly don’t mind. Plus I’m closer to the source so if anyone should be able to veto a nappy change it should be me.

TUESDAY
Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across the busy road so I could dive in the lake. It’s perfectly safe. I saw a little dog in the same position who looked equally pissed off. We shared a moment but then he licked my head and I started crying.

WEDNESDAY
Spent most of today whining. Not about anything in particular, just toddler stuff. Annoyed myself in the end. Whined even more. It’s a vicious circle.

THURSDAY
More glittery stuff keeps appearing round the house. Tacky as fuck. These people have no class. Even some of the shite on the fridge that I drew looks better. (I’m talking about the stuff I did last year, obviously. Some of my latest crayon etchings are really pushing the artistic envelope IMHO.)

FRIDAY
Loving doors at the moment. Closing, opening, walking through, twatting my head. They’re great! Opening and closing for ages is my favourite. Wanted to do it in the car but they wouldn’t let me. Something about ‘being on the motorway’ whatever that is.

SATURDAY
Full on Tantrum today. Oh my word, I went bananas! Rolling round the floor, kicking the cupboards, waving my arms. At one point I had so many snotty tears in my mouth I could barely breathe! Quite exhilarating. And I stand by my decision to lose it for a full hour. I told them I didn’t want to do a jigsaw.

SUNDAY
Slipped on a noisy book today and really hurt myself. Lay in a heap on the floor crying and the bastard thing was trash-talking me. Totally humiliated. Waited till later on and then ripped the gobby thing to pieces. It was still talking as I dismantled it piece by piece. Probably begging for mercy. Knobhead.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...)

Monday, 12 December 2016

6 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Another Parent

Often you'll hear all these things from the same person. And it's fine to push that person into a hedge.

1. "OURS HAVE ALWAYS SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH."

Listen, I'm thrilled for you. We all are. It must be wonderful. But see these bags under my eyes the size of grapefruits? They mean this information is less welcome than a positive STI test. So zip it.

2. "MY LITTLE BOY LOVES ADVENTUROUS FOOD!"

Mine does too! Crayons, Lego and faeces are adventurous, right?

3. "LET ME SHOW THIS WONDERFUL PICTURE SHE DREW THE OTHER DAY..."

Whilst our own child's artwork is beautiful to us, I'd rather sit on a rail replacement bus than look at someone else's.

4. "I THINK YOUR CHILD JUST BIT MINE?"

The Walking Dead is great but you don't want your kids on it. And how do you react if you haven't seen the incident?

Deny it and you're instantly that cockwomble parent who can never contemplate that their child would ever do anything remotely wrong.

(Obviously the correct answer is, "Yeah, probably. Sorry.")

5. "OH DON'T WORRY, IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO LOSE MY PREGNANCY WEIGHT TOO."

Hang on, we were talking about the weather! How has this morphed into a critique of my body shape? Plus, I'm a man so this sounds a bit weird.

6. "OH YOURS HASN'T STARTED WALKING / TALKING YET? MINE DID WHEN THEY WERE..."

Thanks for this visceral reminder that life is a competition to some people.
Although while we're on the subject of development, when are you thinking of learning some tact? 

You massive twat.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all my new blogs to my Facebook page.)

Tuesday, 6 December 2016

The Secret Diary of a 19 Month Old (Part 24)

MONDAY
Bet myself that I could walk the entire length of the kitchen with my eyes shut. Walked into the oven instantly, fell over and bit my lip. The pain was terrible but to be honest, it was more embarrassing than anything. Will try again tomorrow.

TUESDAY
Locked myself in the disabled toilet at playgroup. Felt liberated for two seconds, then scared. Skipped crying this time and went straight for screaming. Big people shouted instructions through the door but it all sounded like bollocks to me. Played with the soap dispenser (which was AWESOME!) until light went off so went back to screaming. Was convinced this was now my life until door opened and light came back on. Haven’t felt that relieved since the mega-shit I did in baby yoga. Had a lovely cuddle with mummy. Tried to go back into toilet. She wouldn’t let me. Screamed again. JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!

WEDNESDAY
Thinking about giving up my afternoon nap. It really eats into my day and makes it hard to get everything done. Haven’t drawn on the wall for ages.

THURSDAY
Got caught trying to break out of the playpen today. Fair play, I had one leg over the side and a massive grin on my face so no denying it. Gutted though. Big people took the toy I was using to stand on. Took me ages to plan that escape route. Those four walls won’t keep me forever, I promise you.

FRIDAY
Saw snow for the first time today. That stuff is nearly as fascinating as our washing machine.

SATURDAY
There’s now a fucking TREE in the living room. Big people are weird. No wonder they were arguing last night. Tried to touch it but was told no. Why have foliage in your house if you can’t play with it?

SUNDAY
Today was scary. I’ve suddenly got this shadow-thing following me around. It definitely wasn’t there yesterday, the sneaky little bastard. Wherever I go it’s there, waiting for me. Tried running away - didn’t work. Tried crying - didn’t work either. Tried waving my arms like I was performing a contemporary dance but EVEN THAT didn’t work. Sat down and sobbed and the frigging shadow did it too. Is this how you get your kicks, shadow? Mocking people when they’re down? I’m going to find out where you live and follow you round all day. See how you like it…

(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all my new blogs to my Facebook page.)

Monday, 5 December 2016

My Podcast - Episode 24

No guest this week...just me rambling about Nickelback, going on stage before a bunch of strippers and my son becoming scared of his own shadow.

Listen to this and previous episodes on:

iTunesStitcher or Podbean 

Sunday, 4 December 2016

8 Things I Hate About Parenting


I love my kids more than anything but here's the 8 Things I Hate About Parenting. (In the interest of balance, I've already posted my 10 Favourite Things About Parenting.)

1.THE NEVERENDING RESPONSIBILITY
You’ve had a shit day in work. You’re tired, frustrated and on the brink of snapping. All you want to do is lie on the couch with a glass of wine and enough chocolate to make Augustus Gloop blush. But you can’t because you’re a responsible parent and despite technological advances babies still can’t bath themselves.

2.THE LACK OF SLEEP
Sleep feels like a hobby I used to really enjoy but have recently drifted away from. Like skiing, I’ve still got all the gear but never get the chance to use it these days.

3.GETTING FATTER AND FATTER
When I’m tired my resistance to sugary shite disappears like a fart in a wind tunnel. But it’s not just sweets - finishing off their meals, eating double choc chip cookies at 3am while sobbing in the kitchen in my undies, or just doing fuck all exercise for the last 19 months - I’m piling on the pounds like an actor who’s been cast for the live-action role of Mr Blobby.

4.YOU'RE ALWAYS SKINT
Once you’ve bought all the initial gear, babies don’t cost that much week to week. But ours are now in nursery two days a week and growing quicker than Super Mario after one of those weird mushrooms and these days I can’t afford basic essentials like new trainers and Amazon Prime.

5.YOU CAN'T DRINK PROPERLY
I still have the odd glass of wine but I’m talking about proper drinking. The kind where you start so early you’re dancing to the National Lottery theme tune when your taxi arrives. Even given the chance to do that now I’d end up in bed by 8.30pm due to my alcohol tolerance dropping lower than a grasshopper’s ballbag.

6.CONSTANTLY WORRYING ABOUT THE WORLD
The world is TERRIFYING. It always was but before I was a parent I didn’t notice or care. Now that my kids are here it feels a lot more real and immediate. From racial hatred to climate change, nuclear war to Donald Trump, I’m gonna buy a job-lot of cotton wool to wrap my kids up in.

7.HAVING NO NICE CLOTHES
I’ve got two nice shirts and neither fit me. (See point 3.) The rest of my stuff is stained like a peep show floor. Worse still, I don’t even CARE. If my standards continue to plummet at this alarming rate I’ll be wearing Crocs before Christmas.

8.YOU'VE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT
What did I talk about pre-kids? Was I a mute? Even on the rare occasion when the wife and I get out for a meal we spend the entire time talking about them. (Which is really nice unless you’re with someone who doesn’t have kids and they couldn’t give a flying fuck about your son’s first smile and how wonderful it made you feel.)

I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all new blogs to my Facebook page.

Tuesday, 29 November 2016

The Secret Diary of a 19 Month Old (Part 23)


MONDAY
Mummy wouldn’t let me touch the radiator so I asked Daddy. He wouldn’t either. Touched it later when they weren’t looking. It was really fucking hot. Why did nobody stop me?

TUESDAY
Wrecking stuff is so much fun! Today I ripped my fave book to pieces, smashed a toy in half and totally destroyed a new outfit with a nappy leak that nearly caused Debenhams to be closed temporarily. I love being creative!

WEDNESDAY
It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m totally clueless in almost every area of life. Today I lay down on the floor and rubbed my face across the gravel. ON PURPOSE! It stung like fuck, obviously. What is wrong with me?

THURSDAY
Some snotty kid pushed me over at the soft play area today. I cried. They stuck their finger in my ear. I cried more. Mummy came over and blamed me. I cried even more. Injustice is a bitter pill to swallow - I was fuming for literally minutes. I don’t know this kid or what their game is but mark my words - retribution will be swift.

FRIDAY
Think I managed a new word today. To be honest, I’m just shouting out different sounds these days but the big people seemed to lose their minds at this one. They kept repeating it for me to say again but I refused. It’s important to not bow easily to peer pressure.

SATURDAY
Those big fools left the babygate open this morning so I was straight up the stairs. It was exhilarating. My plan was to get to the top so I throw myself down again but they caught me halfway up. Bastards. It’s my own fault for giggling the whole time.

SUNDAY
I do enjoy the Tellytubbies but I wish they’d develop the characters a bit more. They seem to do the same thing every week and it gets boring. That bit in the middle is starting to grate too. We don’t need to see it twice do we? The music is still class though. Easily the best song ever written.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all my blogs on my FB page.)

Monday, 21 November 2016

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#52)

1.The definition of relief is when a noisier child than yours arrives in the restaurant.

2.Since becoming a parent I watch The Walking Dead and think 'Now THAT looks relaxing.'

3.I don't want a 'clean' house anymore. I just want to keep the level of shite to an acceptable level.

4.It's easier to extract a hostage from a warzone than leave the swimming baths with a toddler.

5.If I could preserve & recycle all the food my that ends up on the floor I'd be the new Bob Geldof.

6.Me and the wife don't call it sex anymore, it's now 'The AGM.'

7.Julia Donaldson & Axel Sheffler are the Lennon & McCartney of children's literature.

8.That said, I'd rather change a leaking, rancid nappy than read the fucking Gruffalo again.

9.Aldi is no place for a family day out.

10.Watching your little boys have their minds completely blown as they see snow for the first time is something you will never forget.

Twitter: @samaverycomedy and I post all new blogs to my Facebook page.

Monday, 14 November 2016

My Toddler Hid The TV Remote (& My Sanity Went With It)

It was Thursday morning when we noticed.

It had gone missing before, loads of times. But this time was different. There was a hectic nature to this search, and once we’d checked all the usual places – under the sofa, behind the curtains, inside the oven - worry arrived quicker than heartburn on Christmas Day.

The longest we’d searched before had been a paltry eight minutes but we’d heard the horror stories - parents forced to watch the CBeebies test-card on date night or worse still, make actual conversation.

Hell on Earth.

As I lifted the sofa up six inches so my wife could wave a torch underneath and quite literally shine a light on our frankly lacklustre hoovering policy, an awful thought dawned on me – what if we never find it?

Blind panic kicked in. I jumped over to the TV to see if I could operate it manually. After bashing at the buttons like a pensioner on his grandson’s X Box I managed to turn it off and on again and somehow convince it to initiate a software update. As part of me yearned for the days of four channels and clear buttons on the front I thought of a place we hadn’t looked yet.

“THE FRIDGE!” I shouted and made my way to the kitchen, losing the rest of my dignity as I slipped on a discarded ‘chunky flap’ pop-up book on the floor.

I flung open the fridge door with all the desperation of a hungover student looking for the leftover pizza.

No joy. (Although I did find a jigsaw piece and a very confused-looking sock, Plus I shoved a few cheese slices into my ever-fattening dad face, hoping it would add clarity to my scattered train of thought.)

Once all the key places had come up blank I put it out to my Facebook page. The comments ranged from helpful to ridiculous but were all welcome.

Minutes turned into hour and hours into days. Still nothing.

I went to bed that night dreaming of remote controls. Big ones. Little ones. Retro ones with wires. Chunky universal ones. I woke up in a cold sweat after a nightmare about the old Videoplus+ remote my Nan used to own. (I blame the cheese slices for that.)

The second day was tough but at least we still had Cbeebies. Or so I thought. The software update had rendered the TV completely unuseable, unless we could find the remote.

Kids screaming. Parents losing control. I could barely hold it together.

As I was casually rooting through next door’s bin I had my Eureka moment.

I grabbed an old remote from the broken stereo system, offered it to my 19 month old son and asked him to ‘go and put it with the other one.’ He took it and toddled off into the dining room. I followed him at a safe distance, like a tracker hunting his prize deer.

He turned round and saw me following.

“Show Daddy where the other remote is, son? Please? PLEASE?”

He handed the new remote back to me, blew a raspberry and waddled off, laughing his little head off.

I lay my head on the kitchen floor. I wanted to sob but I feared if I started I may never stop. The coolness of the kitchen tiles soothed my head and a calmness washed over me like a gentle tide. My eyes dropped to the floor.

And there it was. Underneath the fridge. Covered in fluff and crumbs. It looked so beautiful.

I didn’t instinctively reach out and grab it like I thought I would. Instead I gazed at it’s simple elegance. I had found my prey.

Until next time...

(I'm a stand up comedian and dad of toddler twins. You can follow my blog on Facebook here.)

Monday, 7 November 2016

The 10 Best Things About Parenting


My twin boys are 18 months old so this will inevitably change. But for now, here’s my 10 favourite things about being a parent.

1.You Feel Like You've Done Something Worthwhile

The planet is overcrowded and we’re running out of fish. We’re not helping by adding more methane-oozing, petrol-guzzling humans to the queue for the last few haddock. But no achievement in life has made me feel as proud as my kids.

2.Nobody’s Bothered If / When You’re Late

You are never actually ‘on time’ with kids, merely ‘not late, yet.’ Twenty minutes, half an hour, fuck it – turn up a day late and nobody really cares. Or if they do they won’t say anything because you have a legitimate, living and shitting excuse.

3.When Your Child Laughs

There is no other sound like it. When your child laughs, the world makes sense. (Unless they’re laughing at the bollocking you’ve just given them.)

4.When They Sleep

Nap time is great (if it happens) but those nights when they go down at the end of the day and stay down are the absolute tits. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with them during daylight but when they sleep you still get that buzz of parental pride without the stabbing back pain and tinnitus that accompanies it when they’re awake.

5.Perspective

So what if your sports team gets ripped apart by their rivals? Who cares if your box-fresh Galaxy Notepad 7 has just exploded and set fire to your hair? Your kids love you and the world is a beautiful place.

6.Finding Emotions You Never Knew You Had

I look back at my happy moments before I was a dad and they all pale into insignificance next to the electric, all-consuming euphoria that I experience on a daily basis as a parent. (Kind of like if you’ve been drinking Diet Coke for years and then finally try real Coke.)

7.Material

I’m a comic and more recently, a blogger. Without kids I’d have to think quite hard about stuff to write. As it is my kids are an endless goldmine of proud, embarrassing, ridiculous, tear-jerking, vomit-inducing anecdotes.

8.Watching Your Kids Grow

Every milestone puts a spring in your step – first smile, first steps, although not much will compare to the first time they learn that toast doesn’t belong in the Bu-ray player.

9.Cuddles

Who doesn’t love cuddles? My kids now they’re walking. But towards the end of the day as they’re tiring out and they jump into your lap – it’s better than winning the lottery.

10.You Feel Like An Adult

Despite all the big landmarks in my life (getting married, buying a house, starting to enjoy going to the tip) I’ve never felt like a proper adult till I had kids. And while anyone who saw me jumping round the soft-play area today like an overgrown, balding 3 year old may disagree, parenthood does engender a certain level of maturity...

Ha! Have you read my blog before?!

NEXT UP: The 10 Worst Things About Parenting

I’m a stand up comic and dad of twins. Follow this blog on Facebook or Twitter or sign up to get each new one via email.

Tuesday, 1 November 2016

Things I Learned Podcast Episode 23 w/ Scott Bennett

Comedian Scott Bennett swings by for a chat this week. Plus we drop by at the Baby Hip Hop Hour.

Listen to this and previous episodes on:

iTunesStitcher or Podbean 

Thursday, 27 October 2016

The Secret Diary of an 18 Month Old

MONDAY
Woke up early to plan new ways to twat my head. Came up with seven. Executed four and improvised the rest.

TUESDAY
Listen, Daddy. I know where my nose is so you should frigging well know where yours is – stop asking me all the time. It’s fucking embarrassing. Look at the end of your face you gormless prick.

WEDNESDAY
Drank bath water tonight. Tasted like soup. Did a big soapy shite before bed. What a day.

THURSDAY
Somehow ended up with two dummies for the morning. Then found a third I’d stashed behind the fridge. It was decent once you got past the fluff. Kept swapping between the three. Felt like a King. Then lost one and the other two got confiscated. Felt utterly broken till someone gave me a biscuit.

FRIDAY
I’ve had it with jigsaws you know. Every time I fix the picture the stupid big people go and wreck it again. They’re so messy. God knows how they live like this.

SATURDAY
Today I learned to walk a bit! None of this holding-on-to-stuff bollocks either - proper walking! It’s quite the thrill. Could see this catching on.

SUNDAY
Tried to walk while sitting under the coffee table. Smacked my head and knocked the table over. Cried and rolled around. Bashed my head on the floor and then again on the table leg. Cried more. Mummy picked me up and I threw my head back into the wall. Screamed for a bit then cried more. Someone gave me a biscuit. Felt amazing.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. You can follow my blog on Facebook or Twitter.)

Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Things I Learned Podcast Episode 22

This week I crept up on comedian Jarred Christmas to chat about long-haul flights, Peppa Pig and co-sleeping. Plus we take a trip to the World Nappy Changing Championships!

Listen to this and previous episodes on:

iTunes: 

Monday, 24 October 2016

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#51)


1.Told my childless friend I'd had an 'amazing lie in till 7.30am' and he pissed himself laughing. I was deadly serious.

2.In the 18 months since my boys were born I've aged 7 and a half years.

3.Peppa Pig is an obnoxious bitch.

4.Toddlers have bigger ownership issues than BHS.

5.When your child laughs, the world makes sense. (Unless you've just told them off when you'll continue to doubt your abilities as a parent...)

Twitter: @samaverycomedy

Friday, 21 October 2016

Filming with Alison Steadman!

Earlier this week I recorded part of a BBC1 documentary with none other than Alison Steadman!


What a friendly, funny woman she is.

The show is called 'Housing the Past' and our episode examined whether some of the suburban stereotypes of the 60's & 70's still ring true today. Find out if they do when it airs next February...

Sunday, 16 October 2016

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week #50

1.The most utterly pointless thing I've ever done is clean the floor.

2.With kids you are never 'ON TIME', merely 'NOT LATE YET'.

3.It's easier to eat soup with a fork than herd multiple toddlers in the same direction.

4.There's been more head banging in our house this week than a Black Sabbath gig.

5.I've never taken acid but I have watched In The Night Garden.

Follow my blog on Facebook here...

Saturday, 15 October 2016

Things I Learned Podcast Episode 20

My guest on this week's episode is the comedian Chris Cairns. We spoke about clown attacks, bunking on the train to Wales and managing his daughter's transition from childhood to young adult.

Get it on:

iTunes: 

Monday, 10 October 2016

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#49)

Forget beautiful sunsets or snow on Christmas Day - my favourite sight in the whole world (even more than my kids themselves) is two empty plates at the end of a meal. (What this pic doesn't show is the rest of the food all over the bastard floor...)
1.Toddlers never run out of fresh creative ways to twat their head into stuff.

2.Applying logic to a child is as pointless as applying sun cream to a piece of toast.

3.Using the bathroom in our house feels like that bit at the safari park when the baboons jump all over your car.

4."Don't dip your spoon in someone else's porridge" sounds like a filthy euphemism.

5.Toddler's moods are like the British weather: constantly changing, hard to predict and guaranteed to ruin a picnic.

6.I spend my entire time at soft play areas ensuring my children don't attack other children.

7.Your child doing a nuclear-level shite as you've just handed them over to your partner on your way out the house feels like a lottery win.

8.Tesco pull up nappies are just leaky hot pants. Terrible.

9.If you accidentally kick an open, shitty nappy at the correct angle it glides across the floor like a hockey puck.

10.Fellas: it's not 'babysitting' if it's YOUR kid.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins, click here to like and follow my blog on my FB page.)

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

Things I Learned Podcast Episode 19

So, I haven't written a blog for a while and that's mainly because the Liverpool Comedy Festival has been running. And I'm the Artistic Director of the whole thing so it's a fairly hectic time as you can imagine!

Anyway, the whole thing went incredibly well and I even managed to squeeze in a live version of the podcast as part of the Funny Looking Fringe - here's a sneak preview with my guest Helen Keeler, talking about parenting, autism and bipolar disorder:


To listen to the whole thing and subscribe go to:

iTunes: 

Thursday, 29 September 2016

Things I Learned Episode 18

On this week's podcast I gloat about winning an award and chat to the star of Live at the Apollo and Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow, Mick Ferry.


Join the revolution and subscribe today!

Saturday, 10 September 2016

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#48)

1.I'd rather see my child's empty plate at the end of a meal than my lottery numbers come up.

2.A toddler can spot stray dummies like a hawk spots field mice.

3.Kids get pop up book.
Kids wreck pop up book
Parents buy new pop up book.
Kids totally fucking destroy new book in seconds.

4.I should have tried a breast milk latte while I had the chance.

5.Reading a book to your child that you haven't already previously read 4,947 times is INCREDIBLE.

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Thursday, 1 September 2016

A Letter From My 17 Month-Old Son

Dear Dad,

It’s been a roller-coaster seventeen months and on the whole you’ve done a decent job. You’ve given me food and stopped me licking the plug sockets and for that, I thank you.

However, I think you’d admit yourself that a few things have been desperately below par. I hope you don’t mind but in an attempt to bring some form of order to our lives – heaven knows there’s none of that at the moment – I’ve put them into a short list.

SINGING
I appreciate the motives behind your relentlessly hideous upbeat warbling but you MUST increase your repertoire. Wheels On The Bus? Please. That was grating before my first tooth. These days I’d rather sleep in a puddle of my own hot piss than listen to your cheap crooning. You sound like a tone deaf yak copulating with an alarm clock.

And FYI - dinosaurs don’t ride the bus. Have you been taking acid?

Don’t even get me started on Old McDonald. I don’t give a flying fuck about his farm and nor should you. Get your own house in order before you start worrying about anyone else’s.

You’re like a one-hit wonder with that shit. Have you ever been to see a band and they sing their one tune early on and you just KNOW they’re gonna play it again before they finish? Well, that.

NAPPY CHANGES
You were godawful at the beginning. Fuck me, it was embarrassing to be involved. I used to lie there thinking, "This bellend’s forgotten the wipes again! Who even does that?"

Remember when you did everything perfectly but then forgot to put a new nappy on? Of course you do because you did it again the next day. I used to think I’d be better doing it myself.

In fairness, you have improved. Vastly. But I’ve changed too. I’m not going to lie still anymore – I’m going to roll, kick, stab, gauge, grab, throw, and shit on your arm whenever I can. So please, keep up.

FEEDING
Some days I like chicken, some days I don’t. Some days I like beef, today I preferred my shoe. Tomorrow I might fancy a bit of fried rubber with a side order of fuck all - who knows? I can’t help it if my tastebuds are all messed up. It’s Mother Nature, man.

It’s probably not a great idea to come at me with those monster portions either. Have you seen the size of me? I’m TINY. When you throw a plate of food down bigger than my head of course I’m gonna scream.

Mealtimes shouldn’t be a challenge. This isn’t ‘Man Vs Food’. It’s Father Vs Son and we both know who’s winning. So give me what I want and make sure that it’s ice cream.

(Also, you get very annoyed when I throw the food off the table but don’t take it personally. It’s just that sound it makes as it splatters across the kitchen floor. Glorious!)

TEACHING ME TO WALK
Okay, so I haven’t started walking properly yet. And yes, other kids have. And do you know what? I don’t give a shit. Stop stressing, I’ll get there when I’m ready.

Those early walkers at nursery have got no personality anyway.

NAPPING
Sometimes I simply do not need or want to sleep. Deal with it. Just because I’m screaming, rubbing my eyes and yawning doesn’t mean I’m tired. Most of the time I’m just fuming that yet again, you’ve taken me away from playtime.

There’s so much entertainment to be seen and when you incarcerate me in my cot I’m missing all the crucial parts. That mirror in the hallway? Incredible. Slapping the window sill? Priceless. Interrupting you on the toilet? NEVER GETS OLD!

By the time I get to your decrepid age I’ll probably also be jaded by experience and weakened by over exposure to the world. But you must understand, this place is the most insane party since I left those disgusting loins of yours.

Anyway, why don’t *you* get more sleep if it’s so important?

SO LET'S DO A QUICK RECAP SHALL WE?

I’m learning a new language, eating food I don’t like, figuring out how to walk, my teeth are killing me and if I need a poo I just have to go in my pants. IS IT ANY SURPRISE I GET A BIT FUCKED OFF SOMETIMES?!

If you had to learn to juggle while talking Portugese and pissing yourself, I reckon you’d get a bit eggy too.

You’re a decent fella and I’m genuinely fond of you. But please, pull your finger out.

Lots of love,

Your Son x

p.s. Except with Peekaboo. I don’t know where or how you came up with that but God bless you, it’s tremendous. I’ll never grow tired of that.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.)

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#47)

1.If you're not careful, a day of relaxed nothingness without the kids can easily morph into a 3 hour blitz of the house and a visit to the tip.

2.There's nothing weird about getting poo on my hand anymore. Which is weird in itself.

3.My new motto is 'Ah, fuck it. That'll do."

4.I'll never understand the tastebuds of a toddler: my son will eat coal but refuses chicken.

5.Our house smells like a condemned pet shop.

Finally, the highlight of my week was definitely this:

Twin 1 cries.
Twin 2 crawls to other side of room, retrieves dummy, gives to his brother.
Twin 1 settles.
Daddy gets something in his eye...

I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. You can follow my parenting blog on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or sign up to get each new blog via email on the right hand column of my website. I also release a weekly podcast where I chat to fellow parents about what they've learned.

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#46)

1.Arriving somewhere EARLY with the kids will freak you out. (I expected the universe to implode.)

2.If you're on your third cup of coffee and fourth slice of pizza by 9.30am it's gonna be a long day.

3.Those happy toddlers enjoying ALL their food in the recipe books are CGI, right?

4.When my wife dresses the kids she picks the nicest outfit. When I dress them I pick whatever goes on easiest.

5.It's entirely possible to be so exhausted that you drop a biscuit and call it a c**t.

6.I feel sorry for the snail in our outside bin. Trapped in a pit full of rancid nappies and broken dreams.

7.They should change the name of Teddy Bears Picnic to 'Let's Wreck Daddy's Trousers'

8.Minging food on a floor is more appetising to a toddler than haute cuisine on a plate.

9.I'm pleased my kids are showing an interest in books, if only they wanted to read more than the same two ALL THE TIME.

10.As a parent I've actually listened to the training schedule that Olympians keep and thought, 'IS THAT ALL?'

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I also release a weekly podcast where I interview fellow parents who are comedians, actors, DJ's, etc, if that's your kind of thang...

Saturday, 20 August 2016

My Toddler Won't Eat and It's Stressing Me Out


*I finish making lunch*

Okay, food is ready. God, that took me ages. Is it even worth it? I suppose we’ll find out.

He NEEDs to eat this meal. How can anyone survive on toast? Toast and biscuits. He’s like a bloody student already.

Wish he’d stop screaming. Although he’s probably hungry, hasn’t eaten properly in a week.

I’m not gonna give him a drink yet, sometimes that puts him off. I think it does anyway. Maybe it just puts me off? What if he’s thirsty though? I know, I’ll make the drink but hide it on the other side of the oven. Perfect.

Now, shall I have the food ready for him on the table when I put him in his seat? Or should I bring it over when he’s sat down, like a dishevvelled waiter?

Too many choices. Feel like I’m cracking a puzzle.

*puts son in highchair*

He’s crying already, haven’t even showed him the food yet. Must be because he’s hungry, right?

I’m nervous. This is more stressful than a credit check.

Here we go - smiley face, happy singing and now for the big reveal…TUNA LASAGNA!!!

*boy screams even harder*

Oh, fuck. That’s a bad start. He does like this stuff though, maybe he’s forgotten. Let’s get a little spoonful first shall we? Here we go and…

*son turns his head away from the spoon*

Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Not again. Stay calm, he’ll sense it. Show him the bowl.

*son glares at food*

Christ, he looked at that food like it owed him money. Not a great sign. Might as well try the aeroplane spoon trick.

*Does aeroplane spoon trick*

Nope. Never works. Don’t even know why I still try it. Even when I was a baby I remember thinking that was shit.

If I can just get him to taste it, he’ll remember he likes it.

Fair play to him, he’s a stubborn little sod. That’ll help him go far in life. I think. Will it? Or is it the worst quality you can have?  Either way, he’ll need to eat the odd meal whatever he does.

THAT DOESN’T MATTER RIGHT NOW! Let’s just get him to eat this small and lovingly prepared portion of fucking lasagna.

Is it too hot? Too cold? Too just-the-right-temperature? I didn’t realise Goldilocks was based on true events.

Let’s try the dummy move. I’ll hold the dummy out, he’ll open his mouth and then BOOM - I’ll switch the dummy for a spoon of tasty, nutritious food. Never fails.

Here goes.

*tries dummy trick*

Well that was a fucking disaster. I’m wearing more food than he’s eaten in the last two days.

Need to calm him down.

It’s okay little man! Don’t worry, daddy’s just getting a bit worried about you. Would you like some food?

*son screams until he starts coughing*

I think that’s a no.

He’s not accepting a small spoonful, might as well go for a massive one.

*heaps spoon up*

What a surprise, that didn’t work either.

I just need to get some food into his mouth. He’ll taste it and everything will be fine.

*moves spoon towards sons mouth, son bobs and weaves like a prize fighter avoiding a jab*

This isn’t what I expected. All those books I read, where was the chapter entitled ‘Force Feeding Your Screaming Child While You Hold Back Your Own Tears’?

Sometimes I think it’d be easier to plug him back into his mum for a few days.

Let’s have another go. My god, this is impossible, should be a parlour game.

“Hey guys! Who fancies a quick round of ‘Feed The Uncooperative Baby’ with me?”

It’d make a great iPhone app.

What if I hold the spoon still, will he accidentally move his mouth into it?

*son screams blue murder until a small particle of lasagna touches his lip and then he stops, considers the situation momentarily and then opens his mouth*

YES! We’re in. Come on! Feel like I’ve cracked a safe.

*loads big spoonfuls in as quickly as possible, making up for lost time*

Must maintain eye contact. Don’t change sitting position. Keep everything EXACTLY as it is till he’s finished. Any change in circumstance could ruin everything.

My god, this feels so good. Every mouthful he has I can feel stress leaving my shoulders.

See! You love this stuff little man! Nom, nom, nom!

*slight cry from son*

Oh shit, sorry. Stay focused.

He’s probably ready for that drink now.

*grabs his drink from other side of oven*

Here we go mate. Wow, he was thirsty.

Okay, next spoonful.

*son refuses food and starts screaming again*

Oh no. I’ve fucked it. It’s snakes and ladders, one false move and you’re back to the start.

What did that article say? Stay calm? How the fuck are you supposed to stay calm when the person you love most in the world hasn’t eaten properly for five days?

PLEASE eat some more, son. For daddy? In fact, for yourself. You NEED food to survive, mate. Please?

*tries to jam spoon in son’s mouth again*

How can you go off food in the middle of a meal? He loved this fifteen seconds ago and now it’s offensive to his tastebuds. He’s fussier than that Princess with the pea.

And now he’s eating the table cloth. Great. The food I spent half an hour making for him is foul but the £3 tablecloth from Wilkos is strangely delicious.

I wish I was this honest in restaurants. Next time food comes over I don’t fancy, instead of being terribly British and suffering quietly I’m gonna lash my drink at the wall, throw my body backwards and scream like someone’s hacking my arm off.

Ah, fuck it. Might as well eat this myself. No wonder I’m getting fat.

*tucks into food while sobbing*

I'm a stand up comic and dad to twin boys. Follow my blog on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or check out my parents podcast.

Monday, 15 August 2016

New podcast episode with Shaun Keaveny

My guest this week is the BBC 6 Music Breakfast Show host and dad of two, Shaun Keaveny. Plus we launch a search to find the most annoying toy on the planet and hear some incredible responses to Facebook Question of the Week.

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#45)

1.The moment your toddler learns how to remove their nappy is scarier than Skynet becoming self-aware.

2.Nap time is the absolute tits.

3.I'm pretty sure there's only three different episodes of In The Night Garden. It's the Status Quo of kids TV.

4.And if you *slightly* mispronounce a character name from that show there's a good chance you'll unwittingly use a racial slur.

5."Who’s your favourite twin?"
"The one that isn’t crying."

6.Never mind forgetting what you've come into a room for, some days I forget which room I'm going to on the way there.

7.Wine is the answer. (I just don't know what the question is.)

8.My son can fire nuggets from his arse further than I can throw a frisbee.

9.I still haven't cleaned the inside of the bin. To be honest, I'm so used to the smell now I think I'd miss it.

10.If you criticise when older parents say 'we never had parent and child spaces and we were okay' loads of older parents will reply with 'we never had parent and child spaces and we were okay'. Ha!

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Friday, 5 August 2016

Why The Final of 'Child Genius' Made Me Feel Uncomfortable

I want my twin boys to be clever and smart. But I hope neither turns out to be a child genius.

This morning one of them shat himself awake while the other spent an hour licking the sofa. It seems unlikely that MENSA will be in touch anytime soon. And I’m fine with that.

Not that I don’t want my kids to flourish or be successful, you understand. I hope they show drive, ambition and a willful enthusiasm to accomplish beautiful, remarkable things that I could only dream of.

But I hope they enjoy their childhood first. And I’m not sure they would if they were certifiable Einsteins by the age of 3.

Imagine wiping the arse of someone significantly smarter than you.

“Father, without wishing to appear rude, uncouth or in any way ungrateful I would strongly suggest that you stick to a clockwise motion to minimize the increased statistical inevitability of your index finger slipping through this competitively priced but ultimately inadequate latrine paper and becoming reacquainted with my faeces.” 

Jesus.

We all moan about kids TV but I’d rather sit through eight episodes of Tellytubbies than have to watch a marathon of classic French cinema with my boys.

Imagine taking your kid to a soft-play area when all they wanted to do was read Chaucer’s Troilus and Criseyde.

Fuck. That.

If you were unfortunate enough to catch the end of Channel 4’s Child Genius Grand Final earlier this week, you may still be vomiting bits of your soul into the nearest bin.

For those unaccustomed with the format, these super-brains line up against each other to answer some improbably difficult questions and a winner is declared. The whole thing made me feel very uncomfortable and not just because I didn’t know any of the answers. (Or understand the questions.)

One girl’s specialized subject was ‘Margaret Thatcher’s Monetery Policy and Tax Reform, 1979-1990.’

She was 9 years old.

NINE.

At that age my specialized subject would’ve been ‘All The Places I’ve Wiped Bogeys, 1985-88.’
She then spelled words correctly such as 'Thelytokous' and 'Eleemosynary' which look more like your Scrabble pieces when you can’t go than actual words.

The parents came under fire for being too pushy but I wondered, if my kids were in this competition would I be just like them? Nobody wants their offspring to fail.

I’m happy in the knowledge that’s an unlikely scenario for most of us. Then again, I’m someone who considers making a room full of drunk people laugh more important than nuclear fusion. I’m clearly not a role model.

The kids were lazily mocked too but it’s hardly their fault they were born with exceptional IQ’s. They wanted to learn and show off their knowledge, albeit perhaps with slightly over-zealous parents encouraging them to get in front of the camera.

The whole thing just made me feel like I did sat on my aunties wooden floor watching a pirate copy of E.T. aged 6 - sad and uncomfortable.

I want my kids to follow their dreams and be successful. I want them to cure AIDS and play for Everton and invent cheese and end global poverty and write novels and own a pub and become Prime Minister. Will I push them to do these things? I hope not but only time will tell.

First, I want them to have a childhood. And I won’t let anything get in the way of that. 

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Monday, 1 August 2016

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#44)


1.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a shit hole.

2.If The Magic Roundabout was influenced by LSD then In The Night Garden was inspired by an angry crack comedown.

3.Sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing as Welsh hip-hop.

4.My boys scream when I enter the room and cry when I leave. This must be how Justin Bieber feels all the time.

5.I've had more piss on me this week than a urinal cube.

6.Trying to feed a toddler who's refusing all food is stressful enough to bring you out in hives.

7.I'm sure one of my boys first words was 'dick' and it was aimed at me.

8.If I didn't go out and work now and again I'd never have a poo in peace.

9.Dummies vanish like budget airline luggage.

10.I realised today I haven't used a muslin cloth in ages. This makes me sad.

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Thursday, 28 July 2016

Before You Park in the Parent & Child Space, Read This

Twice in my regular Sunday night blog I’ve written about parent and child spaces being used by people on their own. 

These are the comments I made:

1.People caught parking in the parent and child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven’t napped.

2.When politely informing a motorist that the parent and child spaces are for parents with children, they often turn out to be a weapons-grade c**t.

Both have been met with support and criticism. Those with gripes can be separated into two camps:

A. People With No Kids

Fair enough. You don’t understand what an absolute pain in the shitpipe it is to try and get a pair of wriggling, screaming, unaccommodating toddlers out of a car into a space more narrow than a hamster’s skinny jeans. (N.B. It’s the extra space we crave, not the proximity to the shop.)

You also won’t understand how severe sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing as Welsh hip-hop.

So I’ll look the other way. It’s not your fault. You merely don’t appreciate the sheer fucking hassle of it all.

That leads me the second group:

B. People Who Had Kids Years Ago and Therefore Feel Superior to all Parents of Today

This group really boils my piss.

We get it. Things were more difficult back then. (I can’t imagine being a parent pre-Google, let alone pre-1980. Just imagine trying to cope in an age when on-demand kids television wasn’t in your arsenal of coping tactics. Hell on earth.)

Times change. Technology and society moves on. Things will be easier again in the future. No doubt by 2032 you’ll be able to safely teleport your kid to a virtual Tellytubby-land for an afternoon while you neck half a tablet of space-gin and pass out on the sofa.

But just because things have got easier doesn’t mean you have to endlessly bleat on about it.

“WE never had parent and child spaces and WE survived.”

Please give me a moment so I can put my (cold) cup of tea down and give you a proper round of applause, you sanctimonious arse whiff.

Thank god I’ve never met a parent from the Jurrassic era. Can you imagine how self-righteous those fuckers would be?

“Parents nowadays want everything on a plate - my arm was bitten off by a sabre tooth tiger and half my family died of consumption but it didn’t stop me from breast feeding…” 

A quick Twitter poll showed an alarming support for direct action.
Anyway, back to the parent and child space debate.  I really like the idea that Gemma Brian suggested on my Facebook page:
“We should band together and create a giant 'I'm a tosser – I park in parent and child spaces when I do not have a child with me' sticker and place them lovingly on the front of their car.”
Although my favourite story came from another (wisely, anonymous) user on my page:
“Hot day, busy Sainsburys car park, just returning to the car with 2 smalls when a rather large, muscly bloke aged about 30 in a beautiful white, open top Merc pulled REALLY quickly into the P&C space next to me with no kids in the car. As he got out of the car, I looked up at him - mainly because of the speed that he'd just arrived, and he snarled "What the fu@k do you think you're looking at" so I said nothing and went back to strapping the 3yo into the car as bloke went into the shop. 
As I was strapping the 1yo in, he squeezed his face together and massively filled his nappy - proper poo-splosion. I realised that I couldn't leave him like that, so took him out and laid him down in the boot of the car for a change. Unfortunately, I had no nappy bags with me, so managed to barely tape it together using it's own tapes, but it was a close run thing, and weighed about 3lbs - God knows what he had been eating. 
After strapping him into his seat, I realised that I couldn't leave the nappy in my boot to roll around, so went in search of a bin. As I passed the open topped Merc, I just couldn't help myself and gently rolled the slightly oozing nappy into the driver's seat - which neatly unwrapped itself as it rolled downwards. I would have loved to wait around to see the reaction, but with kids around I didn't want to put them in any danger, so decided to leave before he got back.”
Total fucking poetry, don’t you think?

So listen up and listen good. If you continue to park in those spaces we will retaliate in our own special way. 

Plus we’ve only had two hours sleep so not only will we unleash hell but it will probably make absolutely zero sense.

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