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'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Saturday, 30 January 2016

The Secret Diary of a 9 Month Old (Part 15)

MONDAY
Discovered a great new game today called 'Keep Throwing Everything On The Floor Repeatedly For Ages'. (Needs a snappier title but you get the drift.) Big people joined in too. They kept picking everything up so I could keep playing.

TUESDAY
Got porridge all over my face at breakfast. Felt great. Looked like a beard. Big people wiped it off. I cried. Can't wait to grow a beard.

WEDNESDAY
Got into a pickle today - tried to roll and it went tits up. Got trapped on my side between a toy and a load of sick for about three seconds. Was scared but didn't cry. I'm quite brave sometimes.

THURSDAY
Was in my cot last night and could hear the big people messing with my toys. They swear and shout a lot more when they play than I do.

FRIDAY
Blew a raspberry that lasted a full ten minutes. So much dribble. Felt lightheaded and couldn't see straight at one point. What a rush.

SATURDAY
Some woman at the shops thought I was only 3 months old. Big people got annoyed. I took it as a compliment.

SUNDAY
Went to playgroup today. Some of the kids are doing mad flips and rolls. Some of them just lie there and dribble. Doesn't really matter though. As long as we're happy.

Thursday, 28 January 2016

Parenting - The Game!

Parenting books don’t prepare you for real life so I’ve designed a game for parents-to-be:

LEVEL 1
Your baby is teething and refusing to nap. You’re hungover and there’s no coffee in the house. To complete this level you must make it through to midday without sobbing.

LEVEL 2
On the back of two hours broken sleep you discover that your baby has the shits. To move to the next level you must reach teatime without hitting the gin.

LEVEL 3
Your baby has puked so much you’re forced to change your own clothes three times in the space of an hour. You have nothing clean so must squeeze into jeans that don’t fit anymore and throw a jumper on that’s covered in more unidentified stains than a tramp’s undercrackers. As you walk through the hall you catch the reflection of a demented crack addict in the mirror. Your goal is to leave the house with your self-esteem intact.

LEVEL 4
You’re on the brink of physical and mental exhaustion. To complete the level you must mingle with the general public and attempt to construct viable sentences without sounding like you’ve lost your mind and developed your own dialect.

LEVEL 5
Congratulations, you now have twins! Your goal is to leave the house on time.

The Secret Diary of a 9 Month Old (Part 14)

MONDAY
People seemed confused why I was grumpy this morning. I'd like to see what mood you'd be in if you woke up in a puddle of your own piss.

TUESDAY
Discovered if you bash a dummy against the side of your cot for long enough the big people show up. Handy to know if there's an emergency.

WEDNESDAY
My snot tastes really bad. Must stop eating it.

THURSDAY
Tickling me when I've just woken up? Come on. There's a time and place for frivolity and first thing isn't it.

FRIDAY
Cried all afternoon. Really enjoyed myself. Who doesn't love a good moan?

SATURDAY
Finally managed to roll onto my front today. Tried to roll back. Couldn't do it. Cried. Lay head in my own snot and tears and gave up. Help arrived. Tried again. Failed again. Cried more. Help arrived again. Gave up. Felt embarrassed.

SUNDAY
Think I'm done with rolling now. I've seen other babies do it and even the good ones don't seem to know what they're doing half the time. Or where they're going. Will figure out another system for getting about.

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

Tuesday, 26 January 2016

A Remote Chance of Relaxing

*staggers into lounge, closes door and sits on sofa*

Ahhh. What. A. Day.

Exhausted. Haven't been this knackered since yesterday.

Yesterday. Jesus. That was incident packed.

Can't believe he puked up on that random fellas shoes in Costa. That's why I never buy suede, you just can't clean it. I saw him trying to wipe it off with a napkin, he was making it worse. Like he was smearing pancake mix.

I mean, I probably should've stopped to help him but it was a proper emergency so had to get to the toilet. The other one was leaking like a rusty old radiator.

So that was yesterday.

Whereas today was just weird.

That woman practically chased me out of Tesco and down the street just to get a look at the lads. Yes, they're twins. Get over it. It's hardly worthy of freakshow-level attention. You'd think they were real life Oompa Loompas the way some people carry on.

Then there was that stupid old bat who grabbed his bottle and shoved it in his mouth when he was clearly feeding himself and having a break. Idiot. How would she like it if I rammed a sausage roll into her gob down the bingo?

Silly old goat.

Anyway. Time to unwind and watch some terrible telly. An hour of turning my brain off and just relaxing.

Look at that stain on my t-shirt. I look like the Shroud of Turin.

Where's the remote control? It's not on the sofa. Must be on the floor.

It'll be in the usual place. No, not down the side of the sofa either.

Where the bloody hell is it? I can't turn the telly on without it. Or can I? Can't see any buttons on the front.

*starts running hands over front of TV*

So I'm 37 years old and I'm spending my Saturday night groping a telly. Looking for a nipple. This is ridiculous.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE REMOTE?

Ah! I know!

*checks fridge. Finds remote*

Monday, 25 January 2016

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#18)

1.Wiping the arse of a wriggling baby should be an Olympic sport.

2.It takes 1.5 hours to tidy our house but a mere 37 seconds to untidy it.

3.Our washing machine is more overworked than a Victorian pit pony.

4.I have no idea what me and my wife had conversations about before the kids were born.

5.Dribble rash is minging.

6.If one of our twins keeps rolling about like this he'll be applying for a travel visa before the summer.

7.It's far too easy to sit on the baby monitor microphone, hear an almighty noise come through the receiver from the next room, not realise this has been caused by your own clumsy derrière and thus assume you're being burgled. (This is also a great way to get the exact temperature of your buttocks.)

8.It's possible for next door's dog to bark so loud outside your baby's window you'll be convinced your child is part-wolf.

9.New kitchen cleaning products excite me more now than new music. FML.

10.We've passed more germs back and forth in our house this week than a game of spin the bottle at a VD clinic.

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#17)

1.Getting your baby to sleep is like a game of Snakes and Ladders. One wrong move and you're back to the beginning.

2.A nappy change that requires seven baby wipes before you even REMOVE said nappy will damage you spiritually.

3.Parenting ages you quicker than a fruit fly - I saw a picture of myself just after the boys were born the other day and then looked in the mirror. Yoda was looking back at me.

4.Leaving the house is harder than joining MENSA.

5.I've had more shit on my fingers this week than a clumsy proctologist.

6.Singing nursery rhymes in different styles (Metallica / Morrissey / Napalm Death) gets you through the day.

7.Both twins screaming together has the same effect on decision making as bad weather on a TV signal. It's still there, sort of, but there's interference, long pauses and it's mainly bollocks.

8.I wish I could've 'banked' sleep before I had kids. (Imagine being able to open a sleep savings account pre-kids and set up a direct debit to yourself post-kids.)

9.Our lads (9.5 months) have suddenly got the worst mullets in history.

10.A rolling baby will fill you with pride and a smidgen of fear. From now on you cannot be sure that your child be exactly where you left them...

Monday, 18 January 2016

5 Kids TV Shows (If They Were More Realistic)

CBeebies have announced they want to make their programmes more 'realistic.' Here's 5 suggestions on how they could do that:

1. POSTMAN PAT is made redundant after the privatisation of Royal Mail. Later episodes show Pat working for UPS, drinking heavily, and moaning to anyone who'll listen about the Tories, delivery drones, and 'that fucking Amazon.'

2. PEPPA PIG
After running up crippling gambling debts with Grampy Rabbit, Daddy Pig is forced to accept an offer from Channel 5 to be featured on Reality TV.

The show is a huge hit and runs for 12 seasons, culminating with an 18 year old George kickstarting the most progressive discussion of transgender politics in the UK's history by announcing live on air that he 'always felt like a cow trapped in a pigs body.'
George becomes a national sweetheart and stars in a string of spin off shows to varying success.

3. THE TELLYTUBBIES are arrested after a three day illegal rave in Tubbyland is busted by police. Dipsy is sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

4. RAA RAA THE NOISY LION is poached by an American dentist on a hunting holiday who claims he 'didn't know of Rara's significance.' International outcry follows.

5. THE FURCHESTER HOTEL is closed by the authorities for violating a litany of health and safety guidelines.

Mrs Furchester absconds after being wanted by police for her part in the Muppet-smuggling ring that used the premises as a safe house. The ringleader is sentenced to 18 years which leads into the follow up prison series 'Elmo is the New Black'.

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

The Secret Diary of a 9 Month Old (Part 13)

MONDAY
Woke up last night to see one of the big people just staring at me. They seemed shocked to see me though God knows why. Then they dived on the floor so I couldn't see them but I knew they were still there as I could clearly hear them giggling. They're so immature.

TUESDAY
Dribbled so much it ended up in my eye. Sometimes I really do disgust myself.

WEDNESDAY
Was having a great nap on the sofa when they tried to move me to the cot. Screamed the house down. Who naps in a cot? Ridiculous. Even though I was tired I refused to sleep out of principle. You've got to make a stand against this sort of thing.

THURSDAY
Spent the whole day whining and shaking my hands about for no particular reason. Great times.

FRIDAY
Got like, fifteen new presents today! Was a bit overwhelmed to be honest. Didn't know what to do with myself so just stared at everyone. Next time I hope they give me more of the paper it came in. Tasty.

SATURDAY
2016 is gonna be a big year for me so decided to make some New Year's resolutions:

1. I will make a conscious effort to try new foods with an open mind and open mouth.

2. I will finally get fit by learning to roll over and maybe even crawl.

3. I will stop pooing in the bath unless it's absolutely necessary.

SUNDAY
Pooed in the bath. It wasn't necessary. Will start again tomorrow.

I'm a stand up comic and dad to twins. You can follow my blog on Facebook by clicking here.

The Secret Diary of an 8 Month Old (Part 12)

MONDAY
Coughed so hard today I shat myself. A humdinger too. Big people came into the room asking me what was wrong. Do I really have to spell it out for you? Open your eyes, people.

TUESDAY
Dinner time was a disaster. Big people insisted I eat food on the spoon. I wanted stuff on the floor. They stood firm and I wouldn't compromise. Didn't eat anything but cried lots. They made aeroplane noises. I cried more. They made train noises. I screamed. They pretended to give me food off floor. I noticed it was the same food as on spoon. They gave up. I stopped crying. Went to bed. Woke up because I was hungry. Drank some milk. Went back to sleep.

WEDNESDAY
Got totally tricked today. Was crying and the big people did a silly dance and made me laugh instead. I hate it when they do that.

THURSDAY
Accidentally bit my finger while eating lunch. Cried like hell. It hurt a bit but more than anything it was just really embarrassing.

FRIDAY
Yet more drama at the dinner table. Not my fault this time. I just wanted to play with the knife that was just out of my reach. Big people are so unreasonable.

SATURDAY
Terrible experience today. Not ready to talk about it yet. Too raw.

SUNDAY
Ready to talk now. Basically, yesterday the big people put a coat on me. A coat. Against my will. Sleeves, buttons, the whole nine yards. It was snowing outside but I was happy in my t-shirt. They knew it too. And they still put that coat on me. They're so stubborn sometimes.

I'm a stand up comic and dad to twins. You can follow my blog on Facebook by clicking here.

Monday, 11 January 2016

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#16)

1.The scent in our house is a combination of shit, baby wipes and desperation.

2.Brushing a baby's teeth is like trying to feed a Twiglet to a Piranha.

3.When remarking "they've gone down well tonight" it's best to check you've turned the baby monitor on first.

4.If you throw Vimto at a wall from the correct angle you can pass it off as an unfinished Banksy.

5.If your baby goes on the Jumperoo straight after their milk, the volume of puke will drastically reduce volume from the speakers.

6.You could open a food bank in a 9 month old's neck folds.

7.The grace period for singing Christmas toys is well and truly fucking over.

8.If my son keeps chewing his dummy like that he'll end up with an underbite like The Gruffalo.

9.I need to lose weight - I bent down in front of the twins today and the top of my arse popped out. They both started screaming.

10.Seeing your twins hold each other's hand makes your heart burst like bubblewrap in a microwave.

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#15)

1.Both twins pulling their plonkers while staring you in the eye is a terrible way to start Christmas morning.

2.Tesco baby wipes are bollocks. They stick to each other like a magicians handkerchief.

3.If my son has the same drive and determination in life that he has to avoid naps then we're looking at a future Prime Minister here.

4.In our house, a puke-free burp is rarer than rocking horse shite.

5.Eight month old babies aren't appreciative of Xmas presents. But...

6.They should invent edible wrapping paper for babies. (Ours didn't give two hoots about the presents but were very keen to chow down on the paper.)

7.Our new play pen is visible from space.

8.If you accidentally leave a pile of baby sick, soggy crumpets and rancid wet wipes in a pile for 2 days it will fucking honk.

9.Now the twins have learned how to shake their wrists there's more jazz hands in our house than a West End show.

10.Your wife can hear you stealing her chocolates on the baby monitor.

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#14)

1.Planning all the stuff you're gonna get done while the baby naps BEFORE they're asleep is like deciding what to spend your lottery win on before you've bought a ticket.

2.We need the machine they use to jet wash the pigeon shit off the statues in Trafalgar Square just to clean our Jumperoo.

3.Singing a happy song is the only way to get through a really horrific nappy change.

4.Velcro bibs attack all the other washing in the machine like sticky parasitic bastards.

5.My 8 month old boys often gaze at the lounge lamp with the reverence of a pair of rednecks witnessing a flying saucer.

6.Babies can be more uncooperative than a supermarket trolley on cobbles.

7.On the wrong day, counting the milk formula scoops into the bottle is harder than following a free form jazz signature.

8.After bedtime the nursery floor creaks like a listed building.

9.Babies need more clothes than Madonna - they'll never stop finding new and inventive ways to soil them.

10.Watching your little one return to their smiley self after battling a bad cold for a week is pure magic.

Saturday, 9 January 2016

Nap Time Nightmare

Why won't he sleep? He's fuming here. Need to hold him tight. Stop squirming! Feel like I'm taking him hostage.

It's for your own good little man!

Wow. What a scream. He should join an Emo band. Or communicate with dogs. That was impressive. And now I've definitely got tinnitus.

He was loving this cuddle at the start. But once he worked out my evil plan to send him to the land of nod he just lost his mind.

Maybe I'm holding him too tight? Don't want to squish him. But otherwise he'll start body-popping again.

Ah, that's right. Here we go. He's settling now. Good ol' Daddy to the rescue again.

Job. Done.

Piece of cake.

*baby screams and flails limbs*

Okay. Still not down. That's fine. We can take as long as we need little fella!

I'll rock him a bit. Or is that silly? He's only just had his milk.

Didn't I read that rocking your baby causes baldness? That's got to be bollocks. I can't have read that anywhere. I'm so tired my brain is making up shite. 

Can't. Reach. My. Coffee.

*stretches*

No. Just out of reach.

Look at that cup. That beautiful, hot, steaming mug of help. Going cold right in front of me. I should get one of those novelty hats with straws in and lash my coffee in that.

Think he's down now.

*baby gives end-of-the-world scream*

Okay. Not down. Definitely not down.

We're all tired here, mate! No need to make a song and dance about it. You don't see Daddy crying when he's knackered. Except that one time.

Anyway, you'll understand one day that naps are a treat, not a punishment. Get stuck in, lad.

Let's stand up for a bit, try that. He likes that.

Need a wee. Really badly. Shouldn't have stood up.

Jesus, my arms gone dead. Feel like I've slept on it. Hope I don't drop him. Better sit down again.

*baby screams*

No, he doesn't like that. Okay, we don't have to sit. Let's stand up again.

I'm up and down like James Bond's pants here.

Fuck me, I can't get up off this sofa. These cushions are like quicksand. That and the two stone I've put on. I'm trapped. Can I phone the fire brigade?

How long can a baby scream for? This is like alligator wrestling. STOP WRIGGLING, PLEASE!

*baby quietens down, starts cooing*

Here we go. The home straight. Think I'll make a sandwich in a minute. Starving here.

Oh no, has he done a poo? He has, he's done a fucking stinker. My god, that smells like burnt toast.

Should I change him? Seems a shame to wake him now. It's like snakes and ladders getting them to sleep. One false move and you're back to the start.

He'll be okay.

He's still crying a tiny bit but, is that laughing? That's not happy laughing. Sounds maniacal. Crazy. Like The Joker. The Jack Nicholson one.

He's gone quiet now. Really quiet. Too quiet. This is worrying. Is he even breathing? Shall I wake him up? No, he's okay.

What's that on my hand? Feels warm. Oh please, no. That shit is leaking all over me. Right. Come on. Let's change you quickly.

JESUS CHRIST.

*changes baby, repeats process from beginning, baby finally closes eyes and stops wriggling*

Well, this is bliss. Silence. Serenity. Bonding with my son. The world makes sense right now.

*puts baby down*

God this feels good. I've never scored the winning goal in a cup final but I can't imagine it feels this good.

First things first, a fresh coffee. Then to clean that kitchen, place looks like a warzone.

Then I reckon I'll just sit on the sofa for a bit. Just sit there, thinking about nothing, staring into space. I'm so excited!

*takes first sip of coffee and baby wakes up screaming*

Oh for fucks sake.

*gives up and opens a beer*

Friday, 8 January 2016

The Secret Diary of an 8 Month Old (Part 11)

MONDAY
One of my fingers seems to have disappeared from my hand and popped up between my legs. I've tried pulling it back but it won't budge. Will try again tomorrow.

TUESDAY
I stored some food in my neck ages ago and now I can't find it. I know it's there because it's starting to stink.

WEDNESDAY
Pulled on that rogue finger again but it seems happy where it is. Beginning to think the big people moved it there because they freak out whenever I try to move it back.

THURSDAY
Met another baby today. Normally not fussed but liked this one. Made me feel a bit funny. Like when I've had milk and not burped.

FRIDAY
Today was a very snotty day. It was all over my face and in my mouth. I didn't mind though. If that was on a spoon I reckon I'd eat that stuff.

SATURDAY
Saw the other baby again today. We had a great wriggle and then threw up on each other. It was brill.

SUNDAY
Got shoved on the knee of this fat dude in a red suit today. His beard looked fake and his breath smelt like my neck. Cried my head off and the big people took a photo! I'll never understand this place.

To be continued...

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

The 5 Stages of Owning a Noisy Toy

1. YOU FEEL EXCITEMENT


Wow! A new toy. How cool! And it sings three different songs too. That's a relief as I was slightly tired of the other ones but this one seems different. Less annoying. 

We'll have endless fun with this, that's for sure!

2. YOU LEARN THE WORDS


Look, kids!

*presses button, sings along, feeling great*

This is better than karaoke. Hit that button again! Whooo!

3. YOU SING THE WORDS AT ALL TIMES


Bloody hell, that song is catchier than Ebola. Real earworm. Can't stop singing it.

Losing my mind a bit. This is worse than the Tetris dreams I used to have.

4. IT ENTERS YOUR SOUL


Oh, that FUCKING SONG. I can't even think straight. I swear I just had a dream with that as the soundtrack. More of a nightmare.

This is hell on earth. In fact it's worse because I can't hear myself scream - all I can hear is that frigging song.

5. LOSS OF RATIONAL THOUGHT


I'd do time for that fucking thing. As soon as everyone's asleep I'm taking a lump hammer to the bastard.

Or maybe throw it in the bath, drown the repetitive prick. That'll be quieter.

Although everyone will wake up when they hear me celebrating the demise of that mind-numbing, monotonous motherfucker.

DO YOU HEAR ME, ELMO?

I'M COMING FOR YOU.

Monday, 4 January 2016

5 New Year's Resolutions for Parents (That You Won't Keep)

1. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY, NO MATTER WHAT.


You've been up since 5am and planned to go out all day. But now it’s 4.50pm and you're picking dried shit off the carpet in your pajamas.

Face facts - your house is a time vortex and even Nelson Mandela in the 1980’s got out more than you do.

2. YOU WILL NEVER EAT BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST


This is impossible when you’ve had 53 minutes sleep and your will power and sanity have both fucked off in a sports car like Thelma and Louise.

You’ll be frantically searching for the branflakes but instead the Jaffa Cakes will be there, giving you the eye like the sugary hussies they are.

You’ll move your gaze away towards the fruit but those biscuits have you in their tractor beam, undressing you with their eyes.

Before you know it you’ll be four biscuits deep, crumbs all over the work surface and tears of shame in your eyes.

3. YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY WASH YOUR SHEETS WHEN BABY PUKES ON THEM


Baby is playing.
Baby is bouncing.
Baby is smiling.
Baby is puking.
Duvet is ruined.
Parent is tired.
Duvet is dabbed with a wet wipe.
Parent is satisfied that's classed as washing.

4. YOU WILL NOT LET BABY NAP ON THE SOFA


They've had it too good for too long. They need to learn that the sofa is for sitting and the cot is for napping. Except your favourite programme is on and they're sleeping like a log that just got a new onesie.

You've woken a napping baby before and it was like an out-take from the Exorcist. Sod it. Let sleeping babies lie. You can start properly tomorrow.

5. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE WEARING ONLY CLEAN CLOTHES


This is as likely as Adele singing about a happy ending. (Of course by which I don’t mean one of the ‘extras’ in a seedy Soho massage parlour.)

Your criteria for choosing clothes used to be, 'OOH, WHAT WOULD I LOOK NICE IN TODAY?'

After your baby was born it became, ‘OOH, WHAT CLOTHES DON'T HAVE STAINS ON?'

A few months of parenthood down the line it evolved into, ‘OOH, WHAT CLOTHES DON'T HAVE STAINS ON THE CROTCH?'

Let’s be honest, nowadays you open the wardrobe and go, ‘AH FUCK IT. YOU CAN HARDLY SEE THAT PUKE IF I KEEP MY HAND THERE.'