'Hilarious' DAILY MAIL 'Very entertaining' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Monday, 22 February 2016

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#22)

1.Post-kids, 20 mins on the sofa with a brew is the equivalent of a five-star fortnight in Barbados.

2.Exhaustion becomes as much as part of your life as eyebrows.

3.Apparently the optimum time to fill your nappy is the exact second you're about to fall asleep.

4.It's easier to shampoo a wolf than dress a wriggling baby.

5.Some baby farts could dry towels. Unbelievable.

6.Car seats are more expensive than cars.

7.A 10 month old doing a full-on Wacko Jacko 'heeh-heeh' is both hilarious and troubling.

8.Baby necks are cheesier than a Bon Jovi ballad.

9.You could comatose a diplodocus with a whiff from a three day old soiled muslin cloth.

10.The sound of your baby laughing makes your heart sing like nothing else can.

Wednesday, 17 February 2016

The Secret Diary of a 10 Month Old (Part 16)

MONDAY
Bit my finger at lunch. Fuck me, it hurt. Did it again straight after. Same finger. Was more embarrassed than anything but decided to cry as wanted a cuddle.

TUESDAY
Pissed in my own face today. Don't even know how. It was dead warm and the big people totally freaked out. I didn't even mind. It was quite refreshing.

WEDNESDAY
Didn't sleep at all tonight. Made noises instead. Great times.

THURSDAY
Need to sort my life out. Tried to grab the poo from my nappy today. What is wrong with me?

FRIDAY
Spent every nappy change trying to roll onto my side and front. I'm a team player. You've got to help the big people out where you can.

SATURDAY
Laughed more than ever playing Peekaboo. What a game. Reckon that could go global.

SUNDAY
Decided to throw my head to the side as I was carried through a doorway. Hit my head on the frame. Cried for ages. Some of my life choices are really poor.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Tuesday, 16 February 2016

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#21)

1.Trying to explain how tired you are to someone without kids is like trying to explain the offside rule to a Jack Russell.

2.It's hard to 'enjoy every moment' of parenthood when you feel like a malnourished zombie who'd do time for a lie in.

3.If you eavesdrop on a baby twin babble conversation on 2 hours sleep you'll be convinced they're plotting to overthrow you.

4.The day before the bin men arrive is like Christmas Eve in our house. That's not right.

5.The look of joy on a babies face as you hand them a toy they just put down 5 seconds ago is like they've seen a card trick. Magic.

6.There's only so many things you can add to Old Macdonald's Farm before it starts to sound like a bad acid trip.

7.Changing a messy nappy in front of an audience is more stressful than a camping trip with the in-laws.

8.I'd rather have my prostate examined by E.T. than sing 'Wheels on the Bus' again.

9.But the music to The Furchester Hotel is ace, I don't care what you say.

10.Once babies learn how to grab every cuddle is like being mugged by a dribbling dwarf.

Thursday, 11 February 2016

Daytime TV Adverts

Are you going to die soon?
How about a loan?
Have you been a clumsy fucker at work?
You need a loan though, don't you?
Because you're going to die soon.
And you've had an accident that wasn't your fault, haven't you?
Who'll pay for your funeral?
How about that loan you clumsy fucker?
Get it before you die, which will happen soon, remember?
You might have another one of those accidents you see.
And there'll be a funeral to pay for.
So borrow some money off us.
Now.
Don't worry about the interest.
You'll be dead soon, don't forget.
Actually, scrap ALL this.
Play ONLINE BINGO instead!

With that loan money we gave you.
Because you might die soon.

Remember?

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#20)

1.You cannot put a nappy on a moving target.

2.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a shit hole.

3.People without kids who say they're exhausted can kiss my tired, fat arse.

4.They should sell waterproof ponchos like at theme parks for when you're feeding your baby yoghurt.

5.Tidying up around your napping child makes you feel like a burglar in your own home.

6.After you've sneezed, a ten month old will stare at you like you're a magic eye painting.

7.The average standard of manners in your house nosedives once your children arrive.

8.Babies sit up from a horizontal position like scary 1950's horror villains.

9.A baby that hasn't pooed in three days is a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode.

10.Every time you buy the next nappy size up your heart drops, just a tiny bit. They really do grow up too fast.

I'm a stand up comic and dad to twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

Monday, 1 February 2016

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#19)

1.Noisy toys that make a noise when you turn them OFF are the invention of a moron. I'm turning you off because I want you to pipe down, not so I can hear a fucking encore.

2.Pushing a pram up a hill should be part of basic military training. Mount Everest would be piss easy if you've already negotiated the mild gradient between the shop and our house.

3.Only remembering you have guests arriving 5 minutes beforehand is a very effective way to tidy your house.

4.Babies of a certain age are transfixed by the washing machine. I wasn't as entertained by the new Star Wars film as my lads are by a 40 degree quick-spin.

5.Sometimes my son will squeeze my hand like an East End gangster who wants me to know he's "in faaaakin charge here." This normally occurs as I'm trying to get him to nap, when he's definitely already in charge anyway.

6.If you want your carpet ruining, trampling in soggy weetabix over a three-day period will do the job just fine.

7.A baby blowing a raspberry in the middle of a sobbing fit sends very mixed messages about their mental state.

8.Coming up with the vaguely humourous title 'A Tale of Two Shitties' when both twins have leaked does not make that situation any easier to stomach or resolve.

9.The North American Brown Bear adult male weighs on average 400–790 lb and tends to be around 6.5 feet long. A 10 month human baby can fart louder. (One of ours did one yesterday so ungodly I thought the drinks were going to start shaking like that scene in Jurrassic Park.)

10.Certain phrases have completely changed in our house. For example, saying to my wife 'I'll get the video camera ready for later' means something quite different than it used to...