'A must' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Sunday, 13 March 2016

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#25)

1.It's easy to get to midday and realise you've not stopped since 6am but have achieved a grand total of fuck all.

2.Postman Pat is really starting to get on my tits.

3.You don't need an alarm clock when your son can just twat you in the face repeatedly.

4.Highlight of the week: Twin 1 pressing a toy that shouted 'Well done!' seconds after Twin 2 noisily shat himself.

5.If your son headbutts you on the nose mid-cuddle there's a good chance you'll also jolt your head back and whack it on the wall. Happy times.

6.A baby who poos while you're feeding them is, if nothing else, efficient.

7.Only as a parent have I ever sat down on the toilet and thought, 'yep, I've earned this...'

8.If our washing machine and tumble dryer were in a trade union they would've called a walkout for better working conditions months ago.

9.Nothing will underline how utterly exhausted you are more than sitting on the sofa for two minutes.

10.After my wife spending the week in bed with norovirus I have even more respect for single parents. I doff my cap to all of you.

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#24)

1.I don't care how strong you think you are, nobody is stronger than a baby that doesn't want to get dressed.

2.Incredibly smug parents are more irritating than genital warts.

3.It's entirely possible for a sweet, beautiful baby to stink like the Glastonbury toilets.

4.If youth is wasted on the young, parenthood is wasted on the tired.

5.My son's "poo stare" is more intense than an episode of This Is England.

6.A 6 month old kicking you in the balls is funny. An 11 month old kicking you in the balls isn't.

7.People who don't pick their dog shit up from kids parks should have their nose rubbed in it.

8.Nothing halts frivolity quicker than a baby grabbing your glasses.

9.I'm pretty sure the lingering stench of that last nappy has taken value off our house.

10.Getting pissed on by your baby is not an acceptable Mother's Day gift.

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

The Secret Diary of an 11 Month Old (Part 17)

MONDAY
Nappy leaked today. Went everywhere. Decided to kick what was left all over the wall. Big people were grossed out but come on, we’ve all done it. What’s their problem?

TUESDAY
That music on the baby monitor is proper shit. There’s no beat. Give me something I can move to.

WEDNESDAY
Faffed about forever before naptime. Threw stuff about and puked a bit. Finally got settled but then did a poo bigger than my head. Nap got postponed. Nobody was happy. What else could I have done?

THURSDAY
Woke up crying because I’d leaked. Big person tried to burp me. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Big person put the pretty lights on. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Big person sang lullabies. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Leak reached their hand. Big person changed me. Went back to sleep. Big person is stupid.

FRIDAY
I’m feeling quite obsessed with one of the big people. Hate it when she leaves the room. Not the hairy one though. I don’t think he knows what he’s doing.

SATURDAY
Had a bad dream last night that I was an actual big person. Christ, it was horrible. Had loads to do and no time to do it. And I looked terrible.

SUNDAY
I think someone has been reading my diary and showing everyone. No doubt some two-bit clown desperate for a cheap laugh at my expense. Well guess what, thief? I just pooed in your coat pocket.

Thursday, 3 March 2016

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week #23

1.People who say you should 'enjoy every single moment of parenthood' are at best, unrealistic and at worst, morons.

2.There's more chance of seeing a Dodo than the bottom of your laundry basket.

3.Nap time is fucking brilliant.

4.Dried up weetabix on the kitchen floor is like frigging Tarmac.

5.Constantly using a happy voice with your kids helps keep your head through the sheer insanity of it all.

6.Whoever came up with the idea of a beauty facial was definitely feeding porridge to a baby at the time.

7.Babies can be more fussy about their food than Mary Berry.

8.Visiting a 'Nearly New' sale is a great opportunity to get rid of all the old, unwanted baby stuff and replace it with an equal amount of shite.

9.The following conversation is pure fiction:
"Shall I put a wash on?"
"Nah."

10.Your baby's first wave will make you weep.*

*Especially if it occurs on the day you had to give his beloved Jumperoo away. Was he waving it goodbye?