'A must' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

The Secret Diary of a 12 Month Old (Part 19)

MONDAY
Shat myself awake again this morning. Not a great start to the week really.

TUESDAY
Managed to get myself into a standing position today. Honestly, never felt so alive! Was on top of the world. Shouting and laughing. Then realised I couldn’t get down and cried into the sofa till I fell over.

WEDNESDAY
If I do have to wear clothes when we leave the house, fine. But at least let me pick them. They’re obsessed with dinosaurs and stupid trains on everything. Why can’t I have something I like on the front of my jumper? Like glasses. I love grabbing those things.

THURSDAY
Got really angry today. For no reason. It felt good. Started laughing. This made me sad. Cried for a bit. Being me is exhausting.

FRIDAY
I wish they’d stop wiping my face all the time. Not everyone hates snot. It gives me character. Come to think of it, they’d look better with a bit of it on their face. Will share some tomorrow. I’ve got loads to go round.

SATURDAY
Debuted my crawling this afternoon. It was time to do it in public. Been rehearsing in secret for ages. Big people went batshit crazy. Haven’t made that much noise since I pissed on the dog.

SUNDAY
I wish they’d stop asking me what’s up when I’m crying. You wouldn’t understand, man. It’s a baby thing. Sort your own problems out.

(I've made the final shortlist in 3 categories in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 - Blog of the Year, Best New Blog & Best Baby Blog - and I need your votes! Click here and it will only take you 30 seconds. Thanks, Sam x)

Sunday, 24 April 2016

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#30)

1.Parenthood is a crafty bastard - the second you master something it changes the game so you're shit at it again.

2.There's more chance of a Rabbi eating bacon than a baby eating something they loved yesterday but have already decided they hate today for NO FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER.

3.A really bad nappy change can leave you emotionally scarred.

4.Over time, enough dried Weetabix on the floor makes your kitchen look like it's been cobbled.

5.The most heartbreaking part of leaving your baby at nursery is paying the bill.

6.Playing 'pass the dummy' with your son directly into your mouth is both beautiful and absolutely disgusting.

7.Your baby deciding to shit in instalments means on that particular day, there are no winners.

8.A nap in my car at a motorway services is the closest I'll get to a spa break.

9.Nothing on the planet is as fearless as a baby that's just learned to crawl. Our house is currently like mini-Jackass.

10.And that look on their face as they crawl towards you - a weird mix of confusion, pride, concentration and joy - that will never get old.

I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both 'Best New Blog' and 'Best Baby Blog' categories - if you have 30 seconds to spare click here and I'll be your best mate for life.

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids.

2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous.

3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days.

4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026.

5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number.

6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested.

7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake.

8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late.

9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son.

10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them.

I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both 'Best New Blog' and 'Best Baby Blog' categories - if you have 30 seconds to spare click here and I'll be your best mate for life.

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#28)

1.I've got to remember to lick my fingers to open the nappy bag *before* I change the rancid nappy.

2.To all the people who've done naff all to help while I've struggled through a tricky doorway with a double buggy - I hope you get piles.

3.The Cookie Monster needs to be tested for Type 2 diabetes.

4.Netflix should launch a service for babies and just show washing machines, leaves blowing about and adults sneezing.

5.Changing the height of a cot on your own takes fucking ages.

6.A baby has the ability to be more uncooperative than a 3 wheeled trolley on a cobbled street.

7.This time last year one of the twins had a serious operation. Today I put a coat on him. The coat made him cry more.

8.I need a wardrobe safe from the kids filthy hands and dribble. Somewhere locked away in the corner of the loft, surrounded by water. I'll put my clean sock there.

9.Step 8 of any flat-pack furniture instructions tends to be 'discuss possible divorce with partner.'

10.Every time the boys move a nappy size up I can feel time slipping through my fingers like sand.

I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both 'Best New Blog' and 'Best Baby Blog' categories - if you have 30 seconds to spare click here and I'll be your best mate for life.

Tuesday, 5 April 2016

The Secret Diary of an 11 Month Old (Part 18)

MONDAY
The food round here is terrible. And chunky these days too. If God wanted me to chew he would've given me more than three teeth. And the big people are full of shit - they keep saying it's 'lovely' as they tuck into something completely different. Hypocrites.

TUESDAY
Actually wriggled off the sofa today. Wanted to do it for months but the big people have always intervened. Really hurt myself. Cried for ages. Why didn't the big people stop me? Will do it again tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY
Got to stop twatting my head on everything. It was funny at first but it's really becoming a problem now.

THURSDAY
Got abandoned today. Horrible scenes. Was left at this place with loads of other kids. Between you and me, I had the best day ever once I stopped crying. Made sure to scream again when the big people came to pick me up though. You've got to keep them on their toes.

FRIDAY
Still can't crawl. Have tried everything but it's dead hard. Think I'm just gonna start walking instead.

SATURDAY
Big person sneezed today. Definitely the most interesting thing they do. Apart from when they make their face disappear with their hands. That's magic.

SUNDAY
Know this, big people: if you continue to hide peas and other green shite inside my yoghurt I will retaliate with the kind of batshit tantrum you saw this afternoon. Consider this your final warning.

If you've enjoyed any of my blogs over the last year, please vote for me in the MAD Blog Awards 2016, details here. Thanks!

Monday, 4 April 2016

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week #27

1.Nothing will shit you up like hearing SUDDEN silence from the room the kids are in.

2.I'd rather be trapped in a lift with Katie Hopkins than go to Asda on a Saturday afternoon with a double buggy. Hell on Earth.

3.The period when your baby suddenly becomes mobile but you haven't childproofed anything yet is terrifying.

4.Nothing makes you feel more like a dad than going the tip on a Saturday.

5.If my lads and their Weetabix would've been on the Titanic they could've fixed the leak, easy.

6.Our house is never more than 3 minutes away from total carnage.

7.A soft play area, miles from home, is no place to be when your son has leaked and you've forgotten the wipes.

8.A baby will consider you leaving the room without them on a par with war crimes.

9.Whoever let Postman Pat fly a fucking plane this week should be shot in the face.

10.Hearing the twins happily babbling to each other makes everything else in the world seem completely insignificant.

(If you've enjoyed any of my blogs over the last year I'd be so chuffed if you'd vote for me in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 - it'll take you about 30 seconds and all the details are here. Thanks!)

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week #26

1.If your house was clean *all* the time you wouldn't appreciate that half day every 6 weeks when it actually is.

2.The fury I feel towards Postman Pat genuinely wakes me up every morning.

3.Retrieving a dummy from a sleeping child is like trying to diffuse a bomb that can shit itself.

4.45 mins 'late' with twins isn't technically late.

5.I now time my morning routine by CBeebies theme tunes. If I'm not running the shower by the time Octonauts is starting, I'm fucked.

6.When a nappy leaks there are no winners.

7.The noises from a toy who's batteries are dying will put the living shits up you.

8.Farms don't smell as bad as they used to.

9.Phase 2 of parenthood is when an episode of a kids show comes on and you think, "Ah fuckin hell, I've seen this one."

10.I'll never get tired of seeing my sons faces light up when I get home from work. Pure magic.

I'm in the running for a few awards at the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and I'd be over the moon if you'd vote for me! Click here for details, I promise it won't take you long!

Friday, 1 April 2016

I'm Up For An Award!

I started writing when my twin boys were born last year.

There were three reasons behind starting the blog:

1.I was shit scared about becoming a dad and a blog seemed like a slightly healthier outlet than binge drinking or shouting at traffic.

2.I was keen to document (with honesty) all the new experiences that parenthood would give me, without the soft-focus bullshit filter that so many parenthood books use. And what a great thing this would be for me and my boys to look back on in twenty years time!

3.I thought if I was REALLY lucky, I might get a ten minute routine out of it for my stand up.

What I didn’t expect was:

1.An audience. An actual audience for god’s sake! A real life gang of people who read, like & share the bloody thing! Wow.

2.To receive so many lovely messages from you lot – ranging from fellow parents who’ve offered advice, dads who’ve told me to hang on in there, and even new mums suffering from Post-Natal Depression who’ve told me my blog has made them laugh on a particularly dark day. Very humbling. (There’s also some who’ve said my blog should be taught in schools to prevent people from ever having kids…)

3.To be nominated for an AWARD!

What? I know! Actually, several of them in the MAD Blog Awards 2016. 

It’s all a bit surreal but I’ve been put forward for Best Blog, Best Blog Writer, Best New Blog, Best Baby Blog, Best Pregnancy Blog and Best Pre-school Blog. I’m pretty sure I was up for ‘Most Generous Lover’ too but I think they’ve decided to ditch that category this year. Typical.

So this is where it gets a bit awkward. I kind of need you to nominate me you see. I know, I know, I can feel the tension in the room too. I’m pretty sure this isn’t how the Oscars are decided.

I suppose what I’m saying is, if you’ve enjoyed my blog at all over the last year, I’d be super grateful and very much appreciative if you’d take 30 seconds out of your day to nominate me in any of the categories above, or any of the others you feel are appropriate.

All you need to do is paste my website address www.samaverycomedian.co.uk into this link and I promise to empty your nappy bin for the rest of the year. That is a cast iron promise too, and definitely not just a little joke.

Thanks for reading my blog and also for getting all the way to the bottom of what is essentially a begging letter,

Sam
x