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Thursday, 30 June 2016

The Secret Diary of a 14 Month Old (Part 21)

Sometimes it feels like nobody understands me. IF I THROW SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR IT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T WANT IT. I’m expressing myself.

Had a raspberry conversation with my own arse this evening. Really enjoyed it. We chatted about all sorts. Tried to start it up again later but things got a bit heated and I accidentally shat myself.

Spent all morning trying to put my fingers in the plug socket. Surprise, surprise, the bloody big people wouldn’t let me. Spoilsports. Decided to scream and head butt the wall. Hurt like fuck. Cried more. Big person picked me up and moved me away. I went straight back to the sockets. They moved me away again. This is not over.

Saw my reflection whilst having a poo today. Christ almighty. Have I been pulling that face the whole time? I look like the big people when they stand on Lego.

Really wanted to go to nursery with no clothes on today. Why is this never an option? I reckon most other people would prefer it too. Might try and start a movement.

People have got to stop tickling me when I’m fuming. It doesn’t help the situation and it makes you look like a bad tit. Stop it.

I think I’m done with food now. It just seems like a lot of hassle and screaming to me. And chewing is a total drag unless it’s a toy. Or hummus. That stuff is heaven.

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Monday, 27 June 2016

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#39)

1.Toddlers have a 'sweet spot' for napping when they're just sleepy enough but not overtired. That 'sweet spot' lasts approximately fifteen seconds.

2.No matter how exhausted I am during the day, the second the kids go down I suddenly have more energy than a puppy with an amphetamine issue.

3."I'm gonna have to go mate, my teat's leaking" is a terrible way for a man to end a phone call.

4.If you have porridge stains on your crotch nobody sits next to you on the bus.

5.Watching your son crawl over to the telly so he can wave at the contestants on 'The Chase' may cause you to melt.

Thursday, 23 June 2016

How To Be a Man in a Soft Play Area

Until my boys were born I was only vaguely aware of soft-play areas. Now I’ve been to every one within a fifty mile radius of our house.

Every time we go I feel like I’m walking into battle with a swarm of demented wasps, intent on gashing my eardrums and booting me in the shins. This tour of duty was no different.

Within three minutes of arriving I’d been assaulting by a three year old. We were settling into the ‘Manhattan’ area for the under-3’s and this kid who’d clearly just signed a sponsorship deal with Red Bull came zipping over to us, grabbed one of the balls in the ball pool and launched it straight at my tired, under-caffeined and under-prepared face.

His arm was less than a foot away from me as he released the ball so it point-blank twatted me in the eye. It seems that even in adulthood I’m still the kid getting pushed around on the playground. Yay, me.

It bounced off my eye socket and the little turd ran off, no doubt looking for his next victim. I looked to his dad for some kind of reaction, like a footballer who’s been tripped in the box looking to the referee. His dad showed no concern for the fact that his son had just committed a felony. He just slowly mooched over to him with as much urgency as Shaft on his way to return a library book and said, ‘Don’t do that, son,’ in the most monotone voice since the last Pet Shop Boys album.


Instead I silently wished haemarroids on this man, as our boys continued to crawl round this mini New York area, jaywalking whenever they could.

Just as I was starting to calm down from the previous onslaught a bunch of kids who were clearly breaching the under-3 regulation of Manhattan busted into our little play-zone. One lad looked like he was about 13 but in order to cleverly cheat the system he had started crawling. He was nearly as tall as me (and definitely more masculine) so the whole thing looked ridiculous. I did wonder for a minute if maybe he was just a really young dad but then I saw him pick his nose and eat the contents, which convinced me otherwise.

At this point I was just trying to protect my little boys from these older kids who were now rampaging around the under-3 area like Genghis Khan and his seven armies. One kid would stomp past as another jumped above us. Two would weave right through as objects were vaguely launched in our direction.

In the end I couldn’t take anymore. Enough was enough.

I stood up. Like a MAN.

And quietly walked over to the girl who was working on the door, and snitched on them.

I mean, she was paid to deal with this sort of thing, right?

As the hordes of overage revelers were led away from the under-3 area, like a true grass I couldn’t make eye contact with any of them. At least not until the last boy was leaving - the overage crawler. 

As he tied his jumper around his waist he shot me a look that seemed to say, ‘If this was prison, you’d be watching your back, snitch…’

Luckily for me and my family it wasn’t prison. It was a middle-class soft play area so we finished our play and went for a very nice lunch.

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Tuesday, 21 June 2016

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#38)

1.The most annoying part of the daily tidy-up is doing all the fucking jigsaws.

2.Buying suede shoes as a parent is as optimistic as a bull farmer opening a China shop next to his stables.

3.You don't need the gym when you can just push a pram with a flat tyre up a hill with a baby while holding a brolly in the wind.

4.When hurriedly bringing your baby into your bed at 5.30am you should really check first if they're crying because they've shat everywhere.

5.I used to think Father's Day was a load of commercial toss but after that lie-in this morning I'm now a fervant supporter.

(My guest on this week's '5 Things I Learned' podcast is BBC 6 Music presenter and son of the legendary John Peel, Tom Ravenscroft. You can find it here: or go to the right hand column of my site.)

Sunday, 12 June 2016

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#37)

1.A soft play area is no place to go with a hangover.

2.No matter where you put them at the end of each day, one of your kid's shoes will go missing in the morning.

3.Sitting on your stairs just so you can keep an eye on both kids makes you feel like a crap lifeguard.

4.If you squeeze too many noisy books into the same shelf they all start talking to each other, shitting you right up.

5.Judging by the sheer amount of gonad kicks I've endured this week, my boys don't want any more siblings.

This week's '5 Things I Learned' Podcast features my chat with Scottish Comedy Award Winner (and dad of 2) Mark Nelson. Get it on iTunes, Stitcher or Podbean.

Sunday, 5 June 2016

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#36)

1.If we didn't occasionally have visitors I doubt we'd ever clean our house.

2.My son is currently waking up half an hour earlier each day. At this rate by next week he'll be getting up before he goes to bed.

3.Everytime I go to put the Vanish away I think, "Nah, frig it. I'll need it again in a minute."

4.My kids have started laughing at furniture. Might take them to IKEA and blow their minds.

5.Pulling a weird face does absolutely fuck all to reduce the volume of squeaky floorboards.

(My guest on this week's parenting podcast is comedian, mum of two and star of Have I Got News for You & Mock The Week amongst others - the very funny Lucy Porter. Get it on iTunes now)

The Secret Diary of a 14 Month Old (Part 20)

Cried at dinner. No way was I putting that muck in my mouth. No chance. Then they tricked me into tasting a bit and do you know what? Fucking lovely it was. So tasty I screamed when there was none left.

Needed a poo all day but managed to save it till bathtime. Absolute carnage. It's worth sitting in your own filth just to see the look on their faces.

Fell over today. Didn't hurt in the slightest but big people made a fuss so thought I'd better cry.

Woke up in my cot last night standing up, crying. Not sure what I was trying to achieve. Pretty embarrassing all round really.

Finally getting the hang of this crawling lark. I can go anywhere. It's amazing.

Crawled off a step today, right into the bins. Fucking terrible. My hands were still trying to crawl as I was falling. Not sure this mode of transport is for me. Might have a go at that bum shuffling thing. Looks safer.

Went to a party but cried till we left early. Laughed all the way home. Nobody else joined in.

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5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#35)

1.Clipping your baby's nails when they're asleep makes you feel like a bomb disposal expert.

2.No matter how long you've been a parent for, nothing prepares you for sticking your fingers in shit.

3.Floorboards are squeaker after 8pm. Fact.

4.Some days it's possible to spend all day getting that excited about going to bed that when you get to bed you're so excited you can't sleep.

5.For some reason I still set my alarm for 7am every morning. Fucking pointless.

(Download my new parenting podcast '5 Things I Learned' here)