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Tuesday, 30 August 2016

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#47)

1.If you're not careful, a day of relaxed nothingness without the kids can easily morph into a 3 hour blitz of the house and a visit to the tip.

2.There's nothing weird about getting poo on my hand anymore. Which is weird in itself.

3.My new motto is 'Ah, fuck it. That'll do."

4.I'll never understand the tastebuds of a toddler: my son will eat coal but refuses chicken.

5.Our house smells like a condemned pet shop.

Finally, the highlight of my week was definitely this:

Twin 1 cries.
Twin 2 crawls to other side of room, retrieves dummy, gives to his brother.
Twin 1 settles.
Daddy gets something in his eye...

I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. You can follow my parenting blog on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or sign up to get each new blog via email on the right hand column of my website. I also release a weekly podcast where I chat to fellow parents about what they've learned.

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#46)

1.Arriving somewhere EARLY with the kids will freak you out. (I expected the universe to implode.)

2.If you're on your third cup of coffee and fourth slice of pizza by 9.30am it's gonna be a long day.

3.Those happy toddlers enjoying ALL their food in the recipe books are CGI, right?

4.When my wife dresses the kids she picks the nicest outfit. When I dress them I pick whatever goes on easiest.

5.It's entirely possible to be so exhausted that you drop a biscuit and call it a c**t.

6.I feel sorry for the snail in our outside bin. Trapped in a pit full of rancid nappies and broken dreams.

7.They should change the name of Teddy Bears Picnic to 'Let's Wreck Daddy's Trousers'

8.Minging food on a floor is more appetising to a toddler than haute cuisine on a plate.

9.I'm pleased my kids are showing an interest in books, if only they wanted to read more than the same two ALL THE TIME.

10.As a parent I've actually listened to the training schedule that Olympians keep and thought, 'IS THAT ALL?'

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I also release a weekly podcast where I interview fellow parents who are comedians, actors, DJ's, etc, if that's your kind of thang...

Monday, 15 August 2016

New podcast episode with Shaun Keaveny

My guest this week is the BBC 6 Music Breakfast Show host and dad of two, Shaun Keaveny. Plus we launch a search to find the most annoying toy on the planet and hear some incredible responses to Facebook Question of the Week.

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#45)

1.The moment your toddler learns how to remove their nappy is scarier than Skynet becoming self-aware.

2.Nap time is the absolute tits.

3.I'm pretty sure there's only three different episodes of In The Night Garden. It's the Status Quo of kids TV.

4.And if you *slightly* mispronounce a character name from that show there's a good chance you'll unwittingly use a racial slur.

5."Who’s your favourite twin?"
"The one that isn’t crying."

6.Never mind forgetting what you've come into a room for, some days I forget which room I'm going to on the way there.

7.Wine is the answer. (I just don't know what the question is.)

8.My son can fire nuggets from his arse further than I can throw a frisbee.

9.I still haven't cleaned the inside of the bin. To be honest, I'm so used to the smell now I think I'd miss it.

10.If you criticise when older parents say 'we never had parent and child spaces and we were okay' loads of older parents will reply with 'we never had parent and child spaces and we were okay'. Ha!

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Friday, 5 August 2016

Why The Final of 'Child Genius' Made Me Feel Uncomfortable

I want my twin boys to be clever and smart. But I hope neither turns out to be a child genius.

This morning one of them shat himself awake while the other spent an hour licking the sofa. It seems unlikely that MENSA will be in touch anytime soon. And I’m fine with that.

Not that I don’t want my kids to flourish or be successful, you understand. I hope they show drive, ambition and a willful enthusiasm to accomplish beautiful, remarkable things that I could only dream of.

But I hope they enjoy their childhood first. And I’m not sure they would if they were certifiable Einsteins by the age of 3.

Imagine wiping the arse of someone significantly smarter than you.

“Father, without wishing to appear rude, uncouth or in any way ungrateful I would strongly suggest that you stick to a clockwise motion to minimize the increased statistical inevitability of your index finger slipping through this competitively priced but ultimately inadequate latrine paper and becoming reacquainted with my faeces.” 

Jesus.

We all moan about kids TV but I’d rather sit through eight episodes of Tellytubbies than have to watch a marathon of classic French cinema with my boys.

Imagine taking your kid to a soft-play area when all they wanted to do was read Chaucer’s Troilus and Criseyde.

Fuck. That.

If you were unfortunate enough to catch the end of Channel 4’s Child Genius Grand Final earlier this week, you may still be vomiting bits of your soul into the nearest bin.

For those unaccustomed with the format, these super-brains line up against each other to answer some improbably difficult questions and a winner is declared. The whole thing made me feel very uncomfortable and not just because I didn’t know any of the answers. (Or understand the questions.)

One girl’s specialized subject was ‘Margaret Thatcher’s Monetery Policy and Tax Reform, 1979-1990.’

She was 9 years old.

NINE.

At that age my specialized subject would’ve been ‘All The Places I’ve Wiped Bogeys, 1985-88.’
She then spelled words correctly such as 'Thelytokous' and 'Eleemosynary' which look more like your Scrabble pieces when you can’t go than actual words.

The parents came under fire for being too pushy but I wondered, if my kids were in this competition would I be just like them? Nobody wants their offspring to fail.

I’m happy in the knowledge that’s an unlikely scenario for most of us. Then again, I’m someone who considers making a room full of drunk people laugh more important than nuclear fusion. I’m clearly not a role model.

The kids were lazily mocked too but it’s hardly their fault they were born with exceptional IQ’s. They wanted to learn and show off their knowledge, albeit perhaps with slightly over-zealous parents encouraging them to get in front of the camera.

The whole thing just made me feel like I did sat on my aunties wooden floor watching a pirate copy of E.T. aged 6 - sad and uncomfortable.

I want my kids to follow their dreams and be successful. I want them to cure AIDS and play for Everton and invent cheese and end global poverty and write novels and own a pub and become Prime Minister. Will I push them to do these things? I hope not but only time will tell.

First, I want them to have a childhood. And I won’t let anything get in the way of that. 

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Monday, 1 August 2016

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#44)


1.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a shit hole.

2.If The Magic Roundabout was influenced by LSD then In The Night Garden was inspired by an angry crack comedown.

3.Sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing as Welsh hip-hop.

4.My boys scream when I enter the room and cry when I leave. This must be how Justin Bieber feels all the time.

5.I've had more piss on me this week than a urinal cube.

6.Trying to feed a toddler who's refusing all food is stressful enough to bring you out in hives.

7.I'm sure one of my boys first words was 'dick' and it was aimed at me.

8.If I didn't go out and work now and again I'd never have a poo in peace.

9.Dummies vanish like budget airline luggage.

10.I realised today I haven't used a muslin cloth in ages. This makes me sad.

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