It’s been a roller-coaster seventeen months and on the whole you’ve done a decent job. You’ve given me food and stopped me licking the plug sockets and for that, I thank you.
However, I think you’d admit yourself that a few things have been desperately below par. I hope you don’t mind but in an attempt to bring some form of order to our lives – heaven knows there’s none of that at the moment – I’ve put them into a short list.
I appreciate the motives behind your relentlessly hideous upbeat warbling but you MUST increase your repertoire. Wheels On The Bus? Please. That was grating before my first tooth. These days I’d rather sleep in a puddle of my own hot piss than listen to your cheap crooning. You sound like a tone deaf yak copulating with an alarm clock.
And FYI - dinosaurs don’t ride the bus. Have you been taking acid?
Don’t even get me started on Old McDonald. I don’t give a flying fuck about his farm and nor should you. Get your own house in order before you start worrying about anyone else’s.
You’re like a one-hit wonder with that shit. Have you ever been to see a band and they sing their one tune early on and you just KNOW they’re gonna play it again before they finish? Well, that.
You were godawful at the beginning. Fuck me, it was embarrassing to be involved. I used to lie there thinking, "This bellend’s forgotten the wipes again! Who even does that?"
Remember when you did everything perfectly but then forgot to put a new nappy on? Of course you do because you did it again the next day. I used to think I’d be better doing it myself.
In fairness, you have improved. Vastly. But I’ve changed too. I’m not going to lie still anymore – I’m going to roll, kick, stab, gauge, grab, throw, and shit on your arm whenever I can. So please, keep up.
Some days I like chicken, some days I don’t. Some days I like beef, today I preferred my shoe. Tomorrow I might fancy a bit of fried rubber with a side order of fuck all - who knows? I can’t help it if my tastebuds are all messed up. It’s Mother Nature, man.
It’s probably not a great idea to come at me with those monster portions either. Have you seen the size of me? I’m TINY. When you throw a plate of food down bigger than my head of course I’m gonna scream.
Mealtimes shouldn’t be a challenge. This isn’t ‘Man Vs Food’. It’s Father Vs Son and we both know who’s winning. So give me what I want and make sure that it’s ice cream.
(Also, you get very annoyed when I throw the food off the table but don’t take it personally. It’s just that sound it makes as it splatters across the kitchen floor. Glorious!)
TEACHING ME TO WALK
Okay, so I haven’t started walking properly yet. And yes, other kids have. And do you know what? I don’t give a shit. Stop stressing, I’ll get there when I’m ready.
Those early walkers at nursery have got no personality anyway.
Sometimes I simply do not need or want to sleep. Deal with it. Just because I’m screaming, rubbing my eyes and yawning doesn’t mean I’m tired. Most of the time I’m just fuming that yet again, you’ve taken me away from playtime.
There’s so much entertainment to be seen and when you incarcerate me in my cot I’m missing all the crucial parts. That mirror in the hallway? Incredible. Slapping the window sill? Priceless. Interrupting you on the toilet? NEVER GETS OLD!
By the time I get to your decrepid age I’ll probably also be jaded by experience and weakened by over exposure to the world. But you must understand, this place is the most insane party since I left those disgusting loins of yours.
Anyway, why don’t *you* get more sleep if it’s so important?
SO LET'S DO A QUICK RECAP SHALL WE?
I’m learning a new language, eating food I don’t like, figuring out how to walk, my teeth are killing me and if I need a poo I just have to go in my pants. IS IT ANY SURPRISE I GET A BIT FUCKED OFF SOMETIMES?!
If you had to learn to juggle while talking Portugese and pissing yourself, I reckon you’d get a bit eggy too.
You’re a decent fella and I’m genuinely fond of you. But please, pull your finger out.
Lots of love,
Your Son x
p.s. Except with Peekaboo. I don’t know where or how you came up with that but God bless you, it’s tremendous. I’ll never grow tired of that.
(I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.)