'A must' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Tuesday, 20 December 2016

The Secret Diary of a 20 Month Old (Part 26)

MONDAY
Got some new books today but for me, there’s nothing more relaxing than sitting down with a book I’m very familiar with. I must have read that one about the zoo a million times and despite the fact there’s no real story, character development or a satisfying conclusion, it really moves me. Plus it’s fun to hear the big people try to inject false enthusiasm into their voice when I demand we read it again.

TUESDAY
I’ve been saying this for a while now but Postman Pat is an absolute knob. I’m only 20 months old and even I know he’d struggle to get his hands on a fucking plane. Love Peppa Pig though. What a role model. I hope I grow up to be just as obnoxious as her.

WEDNESDAY
Refused to take my nap today. Was convinced something amazing was going to happen and I didn’t want to miss it. Nothing happened. Got annoyed.

THURSDAY
Played with daddy’s iPad this morning but they took if off me. Said they’d put it somewhere safe. Found it on the sofa later so put it in the toilet. That’s got a lid so must be really safe. Apparently not. You can’t win with these people.

FRIDAY
Went to see Father Christmas today. What a joke. Who is this man anyway? And why are we queuing up to meet someone with a fake beard who smells of biscuits?

SATURDAY
Note to self – while Sudocrem is great for bum rash, it tastes horrible. I had half a tub in my mouth at one point. Tried to scrape it off my tongue but still had loads on my fingers so made it worse. Started crying which turned the stuff to this horrible gloopy shite. At least I won’t get bum rash on my face now.

SUNDAY
Felt a bit sad today but then did a poo that took lots of effort and then I felt dead happy. Made sure I locked eyes with a big person while I was doing it. I think it freaks them out.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find my parent blog on this website...)

Sunday, 18 December 2016

7 REASONS I WISH I WAS A TODDLER


1.YOU CAN GO TO THE TOILET ANYWHERE
No need to stop at motorway services or even find a tree to hide behind. Just wait till you’re surrounded by loved ones at a family Christening, lock eyes with one of them and angrily squeeze one out. Beautiful and convenient.

2.IT'S SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO THROW A TANTRUM
It’s the Friday before Christmas and your boss asks you to work late. You plaster on a fake smile, nod and say, ‘Of course, no problem at all!’ when all you really want to do is roll round on the floor, waving your limbs until your screaming face is beetroot and you’re choking on your own snotty tears.

3.YOU HAVE ZERO RESPONSIBILITY
Adults have to fret about broken boilers, council tax and Brexit. The biggest conundrum a toddler will face is whether to eat that bogey or smear it across the wall.

4.YOU CAN BE WRECKLESS
Ever fancied running with your eyes shut or getting your face stuck in a hole? How about diving head-first down the stairs or spreading Sudocrem on your tongue? Act in this manner and you’ll no doubt make a poor impression with the in-laws but for toddlers this is just a regular Tuesday.

5.STAINS DON’T MATTER
For adults, milk stains on the crotch look decidedly dubious and will probably ruin that job interview. For pre-schoolers nobody gives a toss and more importantly, your peers won’t judge as they’ll be covered in their own shite too.

6.EVERYTHING IS NEW AND EXCITING
Imagine being shot into outer space to explore unchartered planets, communicating with advanced and unfamiliar life forms while learning exotic cultures and customs. That’s how toddlers feel when they go into a room they’ve not been before.

7.YOU CAN READ THE SAME BOOK AGAIN AND AGAIN
Imagine reading the same book fifteen times a day but LOVING EVERY SECOND. For the under-3’s, ‘Peppa Pig Goes To The Fair’ is a subtle piece of art that grows with repeated readings, not the steaming honk of shit that you consider it to be.

(I post a new parenting list to my FB page every Sunday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find more blogs on this website...)

Wednesday, 14 December 2016

The Secret Diary of a 20 Month Old (Part 25)

MONDAY
The big people need to understand that just because I’ve got shit in my pants doesn’t mean I need changing. The smell might be horrible but I honestly don’t mind. Plus I’m closer to the source so if anyone should be able to veto a nappy change it should be me.

TUESDAY
Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across the busy road so I could dive in the lake. It’s perfectly safe. I saw a little dog in the same position who looked equally pissed off. We shared a moment but then he licked my head and I started crying.

WEDNESDAY
Spent most of today whining. Not about anything in particular, just toddler stuff. Annoyed myself in the end. Whined even more. It’s a vicious circle.

THURSDAY
More glittery stuff keeps appearing round the house. Tacky as fuck. These people have no class. Even some of the shite on the fridge that I drew looks better. (I’m talking about the stuff I did last year, obviously. Some of my latest crayon etchings are really pushing the artistic envelope IMHO.)

FRIDAY
Loving doors at the moment. Closing, opening, walking through, twatting my head. They’re great! Opening and closing for ages is my favourite. Wanted to do it in the car but they wouldn’t let me. Something about ‘being on the motorway’ whatever that is.

SATURDAY
Full on Tantrum today. Oh my word, I went bananas! Rolling round the floor, kicking the cupboards, waving my arms. At one point I had so many snotty tears in my mouth I could barely breathe! Quite exhilarating. And I stand by my decision to lose it for a full hour. I told them I didn’t want to do a jigsaw.

SUNDAY
Slipped on a noisy book today and really hurt myself. Lay in a heap on the floor crying and the bastard thing was trash-talking me. Totally humiliated. Waited till later on and then ripped the gobby thing to pieces. It was still talking as I dismantled it piece by piece. Probably begging for mercy. Knobhead.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...)

Monday, 12 December 2016

6 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Another Parent

Often you'll hear all these things from the same person. And it's fine to push that person into a hedge.

1. "OURS HAVE ALWAYS SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH."

Listen, I'm thrilled for you. We all are. It must be wonderful. But see these bags under my eyes the size of grapefruits? They mean this information is less welcome than a positive STI test. So zip it.

2. "MY LITTLE BOY LOVES ADVENTUROUS FOOD!"

Mine does too! Crayons, Lego and faeces are adventurous, right?

3. "LET ME SHOW THIS WONDERFUL PICTURE SHE DREW THE OTHER DAY..."

Whilst our own child's artwork is beautiful to us, I'd rather sit on a rail replacement bus than look at someone else's.

4. "I THINK YOUR CHILD JUST BIT MINE?"

The Walking Dead is great but you don't want your kids on it. And how do you react if you haven't seen the incident?

Deny it and you're instantly that cockwomble parent who can never contemplate that their child would ever do anything remotely wrong.

(Obviously the correct answer is, "Yeah, probably. Sorry.")

5. "OH DON'T WORRY, IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO LOSE MY PREGNANCY WEIGHT TOO."

Hang on, we were talking about the weather! How has this morphed into a critique of my body shape? Plus, I'm a man so this sounds a bit weird.

6. "OH YOURS HASN'T STARTED WALKING / TALKING YET? MINE DID WHEN THEY WERE..."

Thanks for this visceral reminder that life is a competition to some people.
Although while we're on the subject of development, when are you thinking of learning some tact? 

You massive twat.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all my new blogs to my Facebook page.)

Tuesday, 6 December 2016

The Secret Diary of a 19 Month Old (Part 24)

MONDAY
Bet myself that I could walk the entire length of the kitchen with my eyes shut. Walked into the oven instantly, fell over and bit my lip. The pain was terrible but to be honest, it was more embarrassing than anything. Will try again tomorrow.

TUESDAY
Locked myself in the disabled toilet at playgroup. Felt liberated for two seconds, then scared. Skipped crying this time and went straight for screaming. Big people shouted instructions through the door but it all sounded like bollocks to me. Played with the soap dispenser (which was AWESOME!) until light went off so went back to screaming. Was convinced this was now my life until door opened and light came back on. Haven’t felt that relieved since the mega-shit I did in baby yoga. Had a lovely cuddle with mummy. Tried to go back into toilet. She wouldn’t let me. Screamed again. JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!

WEDNESDAY
Thinking about giving up my afternoon nap. It really eats into my day and makes it hard to get everything done. Haven’t drawn on the wall for ages.

THURSDAY
Got caught trying to break out of the playpen today. Fair play, I had one leg over the side and a massive grin on my face so no denying it. Gutted though. Big people took the toy I was using to stand on. Took me ages to plan that escape route. Those four walls won’t keep me forever, I promise you.

FRIDAY
Saw snow for the first time today. That stuff is nearly as fascinating as our washing machine.

SATURDAY
There’s now a fucking TREE in the living room. Big people are weird. No wonder they were arguing last night. Tried to touch it but was told no. Why have foliage in your house if you can’t play with it?

SUNDAY
Today was scary. I’ve suddenly got this shadow-thing following me around. It definitely wasn’t there yesterday, the sneaky little bastard. Wherever I go it’s there, waiting for me. Tried running away - didn’t work. Tried crying - didn’t work either. Tried waving my arms like I was performing a contemporary dance but EVEN THAT didn’t work. Sat down and sobbed and the frigging shadow did it too. Is this how you get your kicks, shadow? Mocking people when they’re down? I’m going to find out where you live and follow you round all day. See how you like it…

(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all my new blogs to my Facebook page.)

Monday, 5 December 2016

My Podcast - Episode 24

No guest this week...just me rambling about Nickelback, going on stage before a bunch of strippers and my son becoming scared of his own shadow.

Listen to this and previous episodes on:

iTunesStitcher or Podbean 

Sunday, 4 December 2016

8 Things I Hate About Parenting


I love my kids more than anything but here's the 8 Things I Hate About Parenting. (In the interest of balance, I've already posted my 10 Favourite Things About Parenting.)

1.THE NEVERENDING RESPONSIBILITY
You’ve had a shit day in work. You’re tired, frustrated and on the brink of snapping. All you want to do is lie on the couch with a glass of wine and enough chocolate to make Augustus Gloop blush. But you can’t because you’re a responsible parent and despite technological advances babies still can’t bath themselves.

2.THE LACK OF SLEEP
Sleep feels like a hobby I used to really enjoy but have recently drifted away from. Like skiing, I’ve still got all the gear but never get the chance to use it these days.

3.GETTING FATTER AND FATTER
When I’m tired my resistance to sugary shite disappears like a fart in a wind tunnel. But it’s not just sweets - finishing off their meals, eating double choc chip cookies at 3am while sobbing in the kitchen in my undies, or just doing fuck all exercise for the last 19 months - I’m piling on the pounds like an actor who’s been cast for the live-action role of Mr Blobby.

4.YOU'RE ALWAYS SKINT
Once you’ve bought all the initial gear, babies don’t cost that much week to week. But ours are now in nursery two days a week and growing quicker than Super Mario after one of those weird mushrooms and these days I can’t afford basic essentials like new trainers and Amazon Prime.

5.YOU CAN'T DRINK PROPERLY
I still have the odd glass of wine but I’m talking about proper drinking. The kind where you start so early you’re dancing to the National Lottery theme tune when your taxi arrives. Even given the chance to do that now I’d end up in bed by 8.30pm due to my alcohol tolerance dropping lower than a grasshopper’s ballbag.

6.CONSTANTLY WORRYING ABOUT THE WORLD
The world is TERRIFYING. It always was but before I was a parent I didn’t notice or care. Now that my kids are here it feels a lot more real and immediate. From racial hatred to climate change, nuclear war to Donald Trump, I’m gonna buy a job-lot of cotton wool to wrap my kids up in.

7.HAVING NO NICE CLOTHES
I’ve got two nice shirts and neither fit me. (See point 3.) The rest of my stuff is stained like a peep show floor. Worse still, I don’t even CARE. If my standards continue to plummet at this alarming rate I’ll be wearing Crocs before Christmas.

8.YOU'VE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT
What did I talk about pre-kids? Was I a mute? Even on the rare occasion when the wife and I get out for a meal we spend the entire time talking about them. (Which is really nice unless you’re with someone who doesn’t have kids and they couldn’t give a flying fuck about your son’s first smile and how wonderful it made you feel.)

I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all new blogs to my Facebook page.