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Tuesday, 6 December 2016

The Secret Diary of a 19 Month Old (Part 24)

MONDAY
Bet myself that I could walk the entire length of the kitchen with my eyes shut. Walked into the oven instantly, fell over and bit my lip. The pain was terrible but to be honest, it was more embarrassing than anything. Will try again tomorrow.

TUESDAY
Locked myself in the disabled toilet at playgroup. Felt liberated for two seconds, then scared. Skipped crying this time and went straight for screaming. Big people shouted instructions through the door but it all sounded like bollocks to me. Played with the soap dispenser (which was AWESOME!) until light went off so went back to screaming. Was convinced this was now my life until door opened and light came back on. Haven’t felt that relieved since the mega-shit I did in baby yoga. Had a lovely cuddle with mummy. Tried to go back into toilet. She wouldn’t let me. Screamed again. JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!

WEDNESDAY
Thinking about giving up my afternoon nap. It really eats into my day and makes it hard to get everything done. Haven’t drawn on the wall for ages.

THURSDAY
Got caught trying to break out of the playpen today. Fair play, I had one leg over the side and a massive grin on my face so no denying it. Gutted though. Big people took the toy I was using to stand on. Took me ages to plan that escape route. Those four walls won’t keep me forever, I promise you.

FRIDAY
Saw snow for the first time today. That stuff is nearly as fascinating as our washing machine.

SATURDAY
There’s now a fucking TREE in the living room. Big people are weird. No wonder they were arguing last night. Tried to touch it but was told no. Why have foliage in your house if you can’t play with it?

SUNDAY
Today was scary. I’ve suddenly got this shadow-thing following me around. It definitely wasn’t there yesterday, the sneaky little bastard. Wherever I go it’s there, waiting for me. Tried running away - didn’t work. Tried crying - didn’t work either. Tried waving my arms like I was performing a contemporary dance but EVEN THAT didn’t work. Sat down and sobbed and the frigging shadow did it too. Is this how you get your kicks, shadow? Mocking people when they’re down? I’m going to find out where you live and follow you round all day. See how you like it…

(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all my new blogs to my Facebook page.)

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