'Hilarious' DAILY MAIL 'Very entertaining' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Sunday, 25 June 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 42)

MONDAY
Licked the telly when the ice cream advert came on. Hope Mummy doesn’t buy that brand as it tasted fucking horrible.

TUESDAY
I wish Daddy would get some pants that fit him. Every time I throw something on the floor he bends over and that hairy arsecrack is right in my face. At one point I thought I was about to meet a new sibling.

WEDNESDAY
At the park Daddy kept putting me on the little slide even though I’ve made it clear since I was about 8 months that the little slide is, quite simply, bollocks. Slumped down it a couple of times and then ran off towards the big slide. He said I couldn’t go on it and I was too little but I started climbing up the steps because sometimes I don’t care and there was kids behind me so he couldn’t get to me and he looked a bit worried but I knew I’d be okay and then I got to top of the steps and just as everyone was looking at me and it was my big moment to shine I suddenly and quite dramatically needed a poo so started squeezing out something that felt like the size of my head. Finished my poo and then slid down the big slide like a total champ but could feel it all squish around in my pants like hot play-doh so the whole experience was quite bitter-sweet to be honest.

THURSDAY
How dare the Big People give a book that I’m not reading and don’t like anyway to somebody else? Just because I’ve shown no interest, left the room and started doing something different doesn’t mean I’m not still reading it.

FRIDAY
When I grow up I’m going to design tables and make sure none of them have fucking corners on them. Bastards.

SATURDAY
Wanted to take Teddy to playgroup but they wouldn’t let me so I screamed and they gave me the old ‘he’ll be here when we get back’ horseshit. (They said the same thing about that snowman we built last year and he buggered off so quickly he even forgot his own nose, the fool!) I screamed and sobbed and lay down on the floor and kicked my legs but they stood firm so I kicked a bit more and then realised I was moving backwards across the carpet which hurt my back so I stopped kicking and just screamed louder instead. Was just about to stop because the whole scene was getting a little bit embarrassing and I didn’t want to miss playgroup but then they completely gave in and said I could take him. (Was pleased to learn this ‘Armageddon Tactic’ actually works as results have been mixed so far.) Anyway, it was great showing Teddy around playgroup. I introduced him to everyone and had a lovely time putting him in the cars and pushing him around. I love Teddy more than anything and I’d be lost without him although somehow managed to completely forget he existed so we left without him and I only realised when we were back in the car so we all had to get out again and rush back in and we couldn’t find him until I saw a little girl kissing him and feeding him cups of tea so I calmly explained to her there’d been a simple misunderstanding while I yelled and flung my arms about and grabbed Teddy’s legs but she wouldn’t let go and we’re both pulling at him and thankfully he ripped a bit and she lost her grip and fell over and we all went home.

SUNDAY
I’m sure I overheard them discussing taking my dummy away soon. If they remove my dummy, I’ll remove their remote control. Simple. We all have our vices.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram  )

Friday, 23 June 2017

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week


1. Hearing a mother angrily shout at HER KID who has YOUR NAME will shit you right up.

2. Until my kids were born I’d never witnessed a turd leaving it’s natural habitat. Now I've seen it more than Eastenders.

3. The most relaxing thing as a new parent is a hard day at work.

4. It’s worth having twins just to hear them blame farts on each other.

5. In the right mood, a two year old will still give you a really nice hug. And it’s the best 0.3 seconds of the day.

(I post regular blogs to my FB page...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram )

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 41)

MONDAY
Had the runs today. Arse was out of control. Every fart felt like Russian Roulette. At the dinner table I pushed out something that felt like soup so Daddy took my pants off and I sharted down his arm. He looked like Mummy when she tried that cheap spray tan.

TUESDAY
Started to feel sick at lunch so made sure I ate loads more food than usual and asked for seconds and drank extra juice. Was tucking into my third waffle when I did a weird cough which morphed into a puke which went on forever and definitely lasted longer than some of my naps. Tried to polish off the waffle in between bouts of retching but the bastards took it off me and then I puked all over my plate and they took that away even though I clearly hadn’t finished and I tried to tell them but they said eating your own sick is bad for you which is rubbish as I’ve seen the dog do it and he’s always wagging his tail.

WEDNESDAY
Woke up feeling brilliant. Stood up in cot, giggling my head off. Tripped over duvet. Twatted head on side of cot. Started crying. Mummy came in so I jumped up again, feeling better. With all the excitement and emotion I fell back and twatted my head a second time on the headboard. Started screaming. Godawful start to the day. The world can be a cruel place sometimes.

THURSDAY
Some of the banter in this house stinks worse than the nappy bin. Got asked today, ‘Are you eating a banana?’ Well Daddy, let’s review the evidence shall we? You’ve just given me a banana, and I’ve taken a bite out of said banana. So in summary, yes – I’m eating a fucking banana. How on earth you convinced Mummy to shack up with you with such woeful patter is frankly beyond me.

FRIDAY
Been experimenting with walking on my tip toes. It feels good. In fact, scratch that – it feels GREAT. Why doesn’t everyone do it? Plus now I can reach all the dangerous stuff they thought was out of reach, like wine and scissors.

SATURDAY
Slept in today till 5.20am. Felt quite lazy but sometimes you just need a bit of ‘me’ time to recharge the batteries.

SUNDAY
Did a poo today that was so difficult I’m pretty sure it came out sideways. Turned my face away from everyone so they wouldn’t know it was me but it proper stank so I denied it for ages and left the room for a bit to lie low and let the heat die down. Managed to evade the authorities for ages but then got stuck between the sofa and the bookcase so had to shout and wait for help to arrive and by then it had started climbing up my back so I kept denying it but then it started to leak so I blamed it on Mummy.

(I've been posting all the time on my FB page but have neglected to upload them to my website - apologies! And you can expect a flurry of blogs over the next week, Sam x)

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.My bum crack makes so many unwanted appearances at the soft play centre I'm surprised it hasn't got it's own membership card.

2.How can a sweet, beautiful baby honk like a Megabus shitter?

3.Shouting "I'VE GOT A RED NEE-NAW!" as an adult sounds like you're admitting to an STD.

4.A toddler has no respect for a hangover.

5.My standards continue to nosedive. I asked my wife is there was 'much' poo on the bedsheet. (Note to self: ANY amount is WAY too much.)

6.Toy negotiations in our house are more complex than the Middle East peace process.

7.Telling your lad that 'big boys wear vests' sounds like a Judas Priest b-side.

8.I asked one twin to share his Shreddies with his brother. You'd think I'd asked him to hack his own arm off.

9.Trying to dress little people as they whizz through your legs on a bike makes you feel like you've joined the fucking circus.

10.I know it's only an advert but that Pampers one for premature nappies gets me every time 😢

(I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...you can also find me on Instagram)

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 40)

MONDAY
Went to feed the ducks this morning. Had a mouthful of seeds when no-one was looking but they were proper minging. Tried to spit them out but they all got stuck to my mouth so started crying which made them stick to my face. Thankfully, managed to get back in the game with a couple of wet-wipes and a quick cuddle. Anyway, the ducks were all dead sound and happy to wait for the next handful but then this big mad goose came over and jumped the queue, flapping it’s wings and shouting like Rambo and I wasn’t bothered till it hissed right in Daddy’s face and then he picked me up and we started running and this goose was chasing us and then another one joined in and now there’s six of the mad fuckers chasing us across the mud and Daddy slipped in dog shit and his sandwich fell out of his bag so the geese all stopped and started fighting over it. I think Daddy was crying. He must have really wanted that sandwich.

TUESDAY
Had beans on toast for tea. Wasn’t in the mood so starting flicking food onto the floor. Daddy told me that I shouldn’t ‘flick the bean’ and then went red and tried to say it differently which made Mummy collapse in fits of laughter. I know my sense of humour is developing but how on earth is that funny?

WEDNESDAY
Had so much fun playing with a balloon. Throwing, kicking, grabbing, slapping. Sat on it for ages and rolled round on top. Humped it for a bit too, until Mummy stopped me. Sat on it again and was laughing my little head off till the bastard thing suddenly noisily disappeared. Shit me right up. Haven’t been that scared since I couldn’t find my willie in Starbucks.

THURSDAY
Didn’t touch my own food but demolished Mummy’s. What can I say? Food tastes nicer off other people’s plates. Fact.

FRIDAY
Today was total shit. Hated everything we did and every suggestion that was made. Daddy offered me a drink and I cried so hard I could feel myself withering away. Got so fucked off at one point I ran into the wall.

SATURDAY
Today was the day – I finally ran loose at the supermarket! Been planning it for ages: when to escape, where to go, how to evade recapture. Of course, in the heat of the moment the careful plan all went to shit so I just legged it down the aisle where they keep the bananas and dived behind the spam. I wasn’t sure they were even taking my escape seriously as they didn’t break into a jog or raise their voice until I tried to jump onto another trolley that was going the other way and that’s when they ran over and took me back into custody.

SUNDAY
Was playing with my trains in the lounge when I heard Daddy carefully pouring a bowl of cereal on the other side of the house through two closed doors and the telly on really loud. Ran into the kitchen and the coward hid the food behind his back. I cried and pointed to let him know the game was up and that I wasn’t leaving the room under any circumstances till he cut me into the deal. After what felt like literally seconds he said I could just have one but I managed to eat more than half the bowl. I love sharing.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram )

Thursday, 11 May 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 39)


MONDAY
Went to soft play centre this morning and couldn’t wait to get on the slide. Was so excited to slide down in my super slidey pants and super slidey socks and I was flying down the slide and got a bit too excited and turned round halfway down and CUT MY FUCKING HEAD! How can you call it a ‘Soft Play’ when there’s hard bits all over the place? Cried so much I couldn’t breathe for a while. Got given a lollipop so stopped crying and started breathing. Tried to go back on the slide but wasn’t allowed with my lollipop. Finished lollipop quickly but STILL wasn’t allowed back on. Gutted because I’d wolfed down my lollipop and had my super slidey pants on. Started crying again. Wanted another lollipop but got offered fruit. FUCKING FRUIT! WITH A HEAD INJURY! Do me a favour. If I’m bleeding, I want sugar. Simple as. Cried all the way home in my super slidey pants.

TUESDAY
Another stand-off at lunchtime today. What can I say? Some days I like chicken, some days I don’t. Some days I like beef, today I preferred my shoe. Tomorrow I might fancy a bit of fried rubber with a side order of fuck all - who knows? I can’t help it if my tastebuds are all messed up. It’s Mother Nature, man.

WEDNESDAY
Had a raspberry conversation with my own arse this evening. We chatted about all sorts. Tried to start it up again later but things got a bit heated and I accidentally shat myself.

THURSDAY
Really want to go to nursery with no clothes on tomorrow. They probably won’t let me, as per usual. Why is this never an option? I reckon most people would prefer it. Might try and start a movement.

FRIDAY
Saw my own reflection whilst having a poo today. Christ almighty. Have I been pulling that face the whole time? I look like Mummy when she steps on Lego.

SATURDAY
Got subjected to the entire weekly shop again. Used to love those trolleys but I get so bored now. There’s endless havoc I could be unleashing around the supermarket but instead I’m treated like a prisoner. Was crying on the way out and some old lady said, ‘Ooh, he’s not a happy bunny is he?’ Of course I’m not fucking happy - I’m strapped to a barbaric metal contraption in the middle of Aldi while my little life passes me by. And if I don’t know you, don't touch my face, okay?

SUNDAY
The Big People need to get their stupid heads around the fact that sometimes I simply do not need or want to sleep. Just because I’m screaming, rubbing my eyes and yawning doesn’t mean I’m tired. Most of the time I’m just fuming that yet again, they’ve taken me away from playtime. There’s so much entertainment to be seen and when they incarcerate me in my cot I’m missing all the crucial parts. That mirror in the hallway? Incredible. Slapping the window sill? Priceless. Interrupting Daddy on the toilet? NEVER GETS OLD.

(I'm a parent blogger, stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post a new 'Secret Diary' to this FB page every Tuesday and I'm also on Instagram.

Monday, 8 May 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week


1.Which knobhead decided "taking candy from a baby" was easy? I tried to retrieve my own biscuit from a 2 year old and got a thick lip.

2.I view older kids in the wrong section of soft play centres on a par with war criminals.

3.I reckon when Shane from Westlife sings 'Wheels on the Bus' to his kids he stands up and changes key halfway through.

4.Forget baby wipes, some nappy changes need a Priest.

5.If you sing 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' to a screaming toddler, in just the right key, it has absolutely zero effect.

6.You know you're a modern parent when your kids falls over and you upload a pic to Instagram before picking them

7.I save the undies 'least likely to show the top of my arsecrack' for days at the play centre.

8.You can be so exhausted that you apologise to the dishwasher when you accidentally open it before it's finished.

9.If you spend shitloads of money taking your kids to an expensive zoo, their favourite animal will be a frigging duck.

10.There are two types of parents at the park:
- Those who push the roundabout
- Knobheads

I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

I'm rebranding, slightly!

*SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT KLAXON!*


I set up my social media pages years ago, waaaay before my kids were even a glint in my eye.

They were set up initally to post stuff about what gigs I was doing, links to Edinburgh Festival dates and short video clips of my stand up. As a jobbing comic, I thought it would be useful for promoters I didn’t currently work for to see what I was up to and if I was any good, it might lead to more work.

I barely posted anything.

Then my kids were born and I started the blog. At first I just posted that on my personal Facebook profile but a few months in I wondered if some people on my friends list were maybe getting a bit sick of scrolling through two solid months of posts about not-so-solid nappies.

That’s when I started posting my blog on my other accounts and in a quite startling development, the audience started to grow, especially on Facebook where there are now over 61k likes on the page.

Fast forward to now and I’ve posted nothing but my blog on social media for AT LEAST eighteen months, leaving any would-be stand up promoters to probably feel slightly confused when they land on my accounts to see what gigs I’m currently doing and instead find a long post about tantrums in Tesco.

So with that in mind, I’ve decided to rename my social media pages.

A recurring theme in my blog is my lack of understanding of what I’m doing (or ‘fuckwittery’ if you will) and my quest to learn. This has been something I’ve tried to cover most weeks in my ‘Things I Learned as a Parent’ posts.

So I’ve renamed my pages as…

*drum roll*

'The Learner Parent’ 😃

I think it's the perfect fit for my blog and the pages - I’ve been a parent for two years now and I’m still totally winging it. I've spoke to much more experienced parents who say they're still learning all the time as every phase throws up brand new challenges. I can’t ever forsee a time when I’m not a Learner Parent, whether I’m helping my kids move out or welcoming my first grandchild into the world.

Rest assured, it’s still Old Comedy Sam posting the usual blogs, ‘The Secret Diary’ every week and other assorted blatherings on parenthood.

Hope this all makes sense - thanks for reading this and all the other nonsense I post. It’s so heartening to know so many other people have similar struggles as myself and it’s great to share in the highs, lows, joys and frustration that this incredible thing gives us on a daily basis.
Sam (AKA The Learner Parent) x

p.s. If you want to find me on other social media I’m on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. I’m not on Snapchat as that place just looks bloody mental.

p.p.s. I nearly signed this off as ‘The Artist Formerly Known as Sam Avery Comedian’ but then realized how utterly wanky that sounds. And now I’ve written it here anyway. Should have just kept that bit to myself probably…

Monday, 3 April 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 38)

MONDAY
They keep telling me I need to share. ‘Learn to share, sweetie. Sharing’s nice.’ Then when I did share (the contents of my nappy with the sofa) they went fucking bananas. You can’t win with some people.

TUESDAY
Went the supermarket and called every other male adult Daddy. Very loudly. Think it pisses real Daddy off.

WEDNESDAY
I’ve been saying this for a while now but Postman Pat is an absolute knob. I’m only little and even I know he’d struggle to get his hands on a fucking plane. Love Peppa Pig though. What a role model. I hope I grow up to be just as obnoxious as her.

THURSDAY
Got told off today by Daddy. Laughed in his face. I refuse to have respect for anyone’s discipline when they’re also giggling behind their hand.

FRIDAY
The Big People need to understand that just because I’ve got shit in my pants doesn’t mean I need changing. The smell might be horrible but I honestly don’t mind. Plus I’m closer to the source so if anyone should be able to veto a nappy change it should be me.

SATURDAY
Mummy wouldn’t let me touch the radiator so I asked Daddy. He wouldn’t either. Touched it later when they weren’t looking. It was really fucking hot. Why did nobody stop me?

SUNDAY
Woke up extra early to plan new ways to twat my head. Came up with seven. Executed four and improvised the rest.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...)

Friday, 31 March 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 37)

MONDAY
Got given a meal that didn’t just look horrible, it downright offended me. I mean, I didn’t even know what it was but the second they put the plate down in front of me, I could just tell it was minging. Decided to bypass the usual gradual acceleration from whimpering-to-crying-to-screaming and just went straight in at end-of-fucking-days yelling and screeching. THEN those fuckers tried to sneak a bit into my mouth, right in the middle of my existential meltdown. Pricks. (I needed empathy at that point, not mashed potato.) Spent twenty minutes refusing to co-operate and trying to escape my high chair until they eventually ignored me for a bit and I ate the whole plate. Bloody lovely it was. Bit cold though.

TUESDAY
The Big People are always like, ‘Why are you awake so early?’ Check inside my nappy, Sherlock – that’ll help you crack the puzzle. You try sleeping when your buttocks are drowning in their own filth.

WEDNESDAY
Had some Calpol today. That stuff is magic. I went from hating the world to thinking everything was amazing. Must be what I’ve seen the Big People drink on Friday nights.

THURSDAY
Gonna be two soon. Can’t believe it really. Still don’t have a career plan in place although I think I’d probably like to grow up to be a horse.

FRIDAY
Went to the park but they dressed me in these really bad trousers that didn’t slide on the slide. And I’ve got my street cred to consider – all the other kids know me as an intrepid daredevil but these pants slowed me right up so I dripped halfway down, then got stuck and had to bum shuffle my way to the bottom. Humiliated.

SATURDAY
It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m totally clueless in almost every area of life. Today I lay down on the floor and rubbed my face across the gravel. ON PURPOSE! It stung like fuck, obviously. What is wrong with me?

SUNDAY
Those big fools left the babygate open this morning so I was straight up the stairs. It was exhilarating. My plan was to get to the top so I throw myself down again but they caught me halfway up. Bastards. It’s my own fault for giggling the whole time.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...

Wednesday, 22 March 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 36)

MONDAY
It really boils my piss when the Big People laugh at my tantrums. I know to them it probably appears that I’m just losing my shit at every possible opportunity but they must understand, different things matter to me. I’m not an adult. I don’t have a career or a mortgage. My teeth are killing and my only proper friends are my relatives so when you sing the wrong verse to Old McDonald it totally feels like the end of the world to me.

TUESDAY
Watched a brilliant video on Mummy’s phone of some kids dancing into their Daddy’s room when he was having a meeting. If my Daddy ever has a conversation anywhere near that important I’m definitely going to do the same. Those kids are an inspiration.

WEDNESDAY
Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across the busy road so I could dive in the lake. It’s perfectly safe. I saw a little dog in the same position who looked equally pissed off. We shared a moment but then he licked my head and I started crying.

THURSDAY
Discovered the word ‘no’ today. (Also known as NO! or noooooOOOOO!) Total game changer. Maybe I’m late to the party but it’s so flexible. You can literally apply it to any situation and it totally works, even when you actually mean yes. I love it that much I even woke up in the middle of the night randomly shouting it for absolutely no reason.

FRIDAY
Big People keep telling me to be careful all the time. ‘Be careful near that table!’ ‘Be careful with that spoon!’ I’M A TODDLER. I AM BEING CAREFUL. It just so happens that I don’t actually give a fuck.

SATURDAY
Went to a disco with a bunch of other kneehighs. A six foot tall, spotty squirrel was DJing and then hugging everyone. I stayed the frig away from that thing. To be honest, I’m not even sure it was a real squirrel. She was wearing trainers.

SUNDAY
Chicken Pox. Must have caught it off that squirrel. Bastard.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...

Monday, 20 March 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 35)

MONDAY
I think I’ve grown into a very generous person. I just love sharing stuff with other people. As long as I get it back straight away, I’ll share with absolutely anyone. Also, everyone else needs to share whatever they have with me at all times, otherwise I get very angry. And I’m not giving that stuff back. No chance. Never. Don’t even ask. I won’t.

TUESDAY
I’m sure there used to be stuff on the bottom shelf of the bookcase. That place is empty now. God knows why. Used to love throwing that stuff everywhere.

WEDNESDAY
My world has crumbled – I lost my teddy bear today. Worse than that, the Big People thought it was perfectly acceptable to give me a brand new replacement and consider the matter closed. WTF? I don’t think they grasp the concept that a good sleeping teddy can’t just be purchased from a shop. It has to tick several important boxes.

Firstly, the appearance. It needs to have some serious miles on the clock. Take a look at a brand new teddy. Now, imagine that box-fresh, innocent teddy bear has been squatting in a crack-den for seven months straight and you’re getting close to how it should look. Ideally it’ll also be covered in stains of all shapes and sizes from the three major sources. These must be of assorted vintage – some still damp and others matured to a pleasant crust. The scent should evoke a peculiar blend of revulsion and comfort and it ABSOLUTELY must have an appendage of some kind that can be jammed into one’s nose. (I cannot stress the last bit enough.)

This new one had none of the above. We had no connection. I cried all night and decided I’d never sleep again until in the end I shut my eyes and had a cracking ten hours.

THURSDAY
Need to sort my life out - tried to grab the actual poo from my nappy today. What the fuck is wrong with me?

FRIDAY
Bet myself that I could walk the entire length of the kitchen with my eyes shut. Walked into the oven instantly, fell over and bit my lip. The pain was terrible but to be honest, it was more embarrassing than anything. Will try again tomorrow.

SATURDAY
The Big People spent AGES making my food today. Refused to taste it on principal. They must learn.

SUNDAY
Slipped on a noisy book today and really hurt myself. Lay in a heap on the floor crying and the bastard thing was trash-talking me. Totally humiliated. Waited till later on and then ripped the gobby thing to pieces. It was still talking as I dismantled it piece by piece. Probably begging for mercy. Knobhead.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...You can also find me on Instagram...

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 34)

MONDAY
Listen, Big People - if I won’t eat certain food with my hands, I’m not going to eat it just because you stick it on a fork am I? IT’S THE SAME FOOD, DICKHEADS! Just because I can’t control my arse yet doesn’t mean I’m a total bellend. And sometimes I throw food ON THE FLOOR because I want to eat it ON THE FLOOR.

TUESDAY
Today was brilliant – cried all afternoon and refused to nap. Then did a wee in my cot that a racehorse would be proud of, causing a complete sheet change. Can’t wait for tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY
The Big People really fuck me off when they sing Wheels on the Bus in the wrong order you know. It’s a kids song, not Pulp Fiction – you can’t just mess with the narrative and expect it to still be entertaining.

THURSDAY
Pissed on my own face today. It’s been a while. Forgot how refreshing it was. The Big People should try it when they’re tired.

FRIDAY
Discovered something today called ‘YouTube’. Oh. My. God. Sugar for the eyes! Felt like I’d jammed my head into a bucket of cheap sweets. Spent ages just gazing at the bright colours and losing myself in the repetitive, mindless soundtrack until I felt at one with the video. (Think it was about a bus.) I could actually FEEL my brain rotting as I sat there staring at the screen. Bliss.

SATURDAY
I’ve started leaving the room when I do a poo. I’m still not ready for that ghastly looking potty-thing, but I do enjoy a tiny bit of privacy when I’m squeezing one out these days. So it’s quite distracting when the Big People follow me into the kitchen and continually ask, ‘Are you doing a poo?’ Don’t be silly - I’m doing a particularly tricky yoga pose that’s causing me to grind my teeth like a rabid dog and make the room stink like an outside bin - OF COURSE I’M DOING A POO! How would they like it if I kept interrupting them all the time?

SUNDAY
Listen, Daddy. I know where my nose is so you should frigging well know where yours is – stop asking me all the time. It’s fucking embarrassing. Look at the end of your face you gormless prick.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...)

Monday, 20 February 2017

The Secret Diary of a 22 Month Old (Part 33)

MONDAY
Big People kept checking my nappy all morning. Then when I finally did a poo they found it disgusting. Why the big surprise? It’s a nappy for God’s sake. What else are you hoping to find in there? A cash prize?

TUESDAY
A new girl started at nursery today. She makes me feel funny. Like when I blow raspberries for too long and can’t see straight. We span round together for ages and got dizzy and then she fell over and cried a bit but it was okay because I didn’t. Then we sat near the coats and picked each other’s noses. Everyone else in our room is so immature compared to us.

WEDNESDAY
Sat by the coats again with the new girl. I wish she’d come and live with us. We could play all the time and probably get rid of the dog. Maybe they can swap? I’d have to check with the dog first but he’s normally pretty chilled. (Once I slammed his tail inside the fridge door and he hardly ever mentions it.) We were making that noise where you move your finger up and down your bottom lip and go bwah-bwah-bwah and I put my finger in her mouth and it felt funny and it tickled and I wondered if we should get married and then HOLY FUCKING GREENDALE SHE BIT MY FUCKING FINGER! I didn’t scream at first because couldn’t believe what was happening to be honest but then I started to cry and she bloody smiled and bit me even harder! The staff got involved at that point and it got quite messy. I said a few things I regret now but what a nasty piece of work she turned out to be. The last time I was betrayed like this was that time I woke up and Daddy told me it was still night time when it was actually 4.30am which is technically morning and not night time in any way. I will NEVER play with that new girl ever again.

THURSDAY
Played with the new girl all day. She’s so lovely. She tried to bite my finger again but I think she means well. Maybe my fingers just taste really nice.

FRIDAY
I've decided to stop laughing from now on. Whatever I laugh at just gets repeated and repeated by the Big People until it's ruined and not funny at all about 5 minutes later. It’s a shame and I'll miss it but this has to be done.

SATURDAY
So let me get this straight – I can throw balls but not toys, I can bite food but not people, I can slap hands but not faces and I’m not allowed to shit in the dishwasher? This world is so confusing.

SUNDAY
Managed to get stuck between the sofa and the wall today while trying to grab a dummy. Tried to move back. Couldn't do it. Cried. Lay my head in my own snot and tears and gave up. Help arrived. They removed me. Tried again two minutes later. Failed again. Cried more. Help arrived again. Gave up. Felt embarrassed.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, blogger and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram)

Saturday, 11 February 2017

The Secret Diary of a 22 Month Old (Part 32)

MONDAY
Went to the zoo today. All the animals looked pretty pissed off apart from this one pigeon we saw in the car park, although to be fair I think she comes and goes when she wants. Best bit was when the gorilla did a massive dump in his hand and threw it at everyone. Big People freaked out. I made a mental note for next time they put me in the play pen.

TUESDAY
I’m sick of everyone assuming that just because someone is a similar age to me that we’ll instantly be best mates. Sometimes we have literally nothing in common. What are we supposed to bond over? The fact we can’t control our bowel movements? Maybe we’ll hit it off with a thrilling conversation about which fashionable brand of nappies we’re sporting this season or better still, exchange dietary tips? Do me a favour.

WEDNESDAY
Can't be sure but think one of the Big People did a trump today and blamed it on me. I know I'm quite new here but that doesn't seem fair. Gonna fill my nappy tomorrow and blame them.

THURSDAY
Got some new books but for me, there’s nothing more relaxing than sitting down with a book I’m really familiar with. I must have read that one about the farm a million times and despite the fact there’s no real story, character development or a satisfying conclusion, it really moves me. Plus it’s fun to hear the Big People try to inject some false enthusiasm into their voice when I demand we read it again.

FRIDAY
Getting sick of complete strangers squeezing my cheeks. Here’s an idea – if I don’t know you, don’t touch my face. How does that sound?

SATURDAY
Learned a new noise today. Cross between a cough and a scream. Did it all day. Forgot to nap. Big People weren’t impressed. Made the noise at them. They seemed even less impressed.

SUNDAY
Cried in the night so ended up in the Big People’s bed. It was so much fun – I clawed at both their faces, head-butted Mummy twice and kicked Daddy square in the bollocks. We were all having a great time together so to say I was disappointed when they put me back in my own cot is a massive understatement.

Follow me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter...

Monday, 6 February 2017

The Secret Diary of a 22 Month Old (Part 31)

MONDAY
Was super excited to get in the car to go to the park. I love the park. It’s probably my favourite place in the world after the cupboard in the kitchen where they keep the pans. Was so giddy when they tried to put my coat on. Couldn’t stop running up and down the house getting ready for the park. Giggled like mad when they put my shoes on just thinking about all the great things we were going to do at the park.

Was busy planning what I was going to do at the park and in what order when I noticed that we swung a left at the main road meaning WE WEREN’T GOING TO THE PARK, WE WERE GOING TO THE FUCKING SUPERMARKET! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Decided I had to make a stand so kicked my legs for ages (bicycle motion first, then freestyle) so they couldn’t get me in the trolley seat. Then when they finally did I spent the whole time round grabbing random stuff and putting it in the trolley. Despite the fact they saw this act of defiance as “cute”, they ended up accidentally paying for a lettuce that they didn’t even want. So who’s laughing now, Big People?

TUESDAY
Saw Nanna today. It’s amazing to think she lives inside that iPad.

WEDNESDAY
Was singing as I went to bed tonight. Heard my own voice coming back from the speaker on the baby monitor. Is that how I sound to everyone else? Jesus.

THURSDAY
Actually went to the park today. Managed to keep a lid on things in the car in case it was all just a ruse to return the lettuce to the supermarket. Proper lost my mind as we pulled up. Ran down to the roundabout a bit too fast, instantly slipped and twatted my head on the metal bar. Unfortunately that set the tone for what was ultimately a disappointing day out – I got a wet arse from the slide, there was a big queue for the swings and I slipped on dog shit near that rusty little spinny thing that nobody uses.

FRIDAY
Started dancing in the living room today when the phone rang. All the Big People joined in. It was quite the scene for a moment but then I got quite angry. Just let me have my moment.

SATURDAY
Had one of my toys confiscated because I was using it to drink bath water. If the food was half decent round here I wouldn’t be reduced to such drastic measures.

SUNDAY
Woke up crying because I’d leaked. Big Person tried to comfort me. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Big Person put the pretty lights on. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Big Person sang lullabies. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Leak reached their hand. Big Person changed me. Went back to sleep. Big Person is stupid.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...

Friday, 27 January 2017

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 30)

MONDAY
Did an epic bumsquirt just as we were leaving for Grandma’s. Proper end-of-days stuff. Arse-juice everywhere. Big People got flustered because we were late. What can I say? There’s just something about putting my coat on that makes me want to shite.

TUESDAY
Got told off today for drawing a beard on the dog. What’s the problem? The dog looked great and didn’t complain once. Plus it was my best felt tip (orange) so it’s quite an assumption from the Big People to say he hated his new look. The combination of being told off plus feeling terrible for the dog missing out on a much-needed fresh image made me do a proper cry. (That one where your face scrunches up and real tears come out rather than the one where you scream and your face turns red like it has nappy rash.) Anyway, I must have looked super cute because the Big People cuddled me straight away and then weirdly, THEY apologized. Interesting, very interesting…

WEDNESDAY
Got told off again for biting Mummy. Tried to fake that real crying thing again but they saw right through it and called bullshit. I stopped 'crying' and carried on with my day. Next time I really need to commit. Or maybe I should just stop biting people?

THURSDAY
Discovered if you bash a dummy against the side of your cot for long enough the Big People show up. Handy to know if there's an emergency.

FRIDAY
Saw loads of buses in the car today. Got well excited. They’re so big and funny looking. Then we didn’t see any for ages which made me sad. Then we saw three of them all at once! Weird thing is, this always happens. When I grow up I’m going to come up with an expression to describe this regular occurrence.

SATURDAY
That music on the baby monitor is total bollocks. There’s no beat. Give me something I can move to.

SUNDAY
It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that I don’t deal with disappointment well. They wouldn’t let me play with the scissors this morning and I just lost it. Thrashing about, sobbing, whacking my head on the corner of the fridge for good measure. Could barely see through all the snot, tears and emotion. Then they tried putting my coat on and I moved effortlessly up to the next level of tantrum which was quite the thrill if I'm being honest. Cried so hard I totally forgot what I was pissed off about in the first place and let them put my coat on quite easily. Managed to calm down and then realised I had the bloody coat on which made me instantly do a poo that went on for ages. Managed to stare both of them in the eye while I squeezed it out too. It's important to share special moments with your family I think.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find more blogs on my website...)

Monday, 23 January 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.I hope my son is teething, otherwise he's just a knobhead.

2. Because it turns out you don't have to be two to begin the Terrible Twos.

3.Spending the whole day inside the house with your kids feels like prison.

4.Although at least in prison they let you have a poo in peace.

5.Sometimes I hide from my kids & they don’t realise I’m not playing a game, I'm just hiding.

6. How anyone conceives for a second time is beyond me. Our first have kicked me in the balls so much I'm pretty sure they're broke.

7.Some nights I have horrible dreams about being a parent in the days before on-demand television.

8.Although nowadays sleep feels like an old hobby I’ve drifted away from.

9. When I buy something new I vividly imagine the noise it'll make when the kids smash it.

10.And despite all the above I wouldn’t change a thing.

I post my parenting blog to my FB page several times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Twitter and Instagram...

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 29)

MONDAY
Pissed on my favourite book today. Saw the dog doing it once and figured it’s the best way to stop other people reading it. Totally worked as Mummy threw it in the bin. Problem solved.

TUESDAY
Cried because my favourite book wasn’t on the shelf. Forgot I pissed on it yesterday. Tried rooting through the bin. Daddy stopped me. Held onto the bin for ages while he tried to pull me away. When that didn’t work he used a friendly, logical, convincing and sensible reason for why I should let go. I held on tighter. Ha! Not gonna fall for that rubbish again.

WEDNESDAY
Went to a party but cried till we left early. Laughed all the way home. Nobody else joined in.

THURSDAY
Big people seemed confused why I was grumpy this morning. I'd like to see what mood you'd be in if you woke up in a puddle of your own piss.

FRIDAY
Had SIX absolute meltdowns today. Two at breakfast, three at lunch and two in the car. Is that seven? Okay, I had SEVEN absolute meltdowns today. Oh and one just before bedtime. So, eight – EIGHT meltdowns. And one in the bath. Crap, that’s nine isn’t it? Or ten if you count when someone stole my crayon in playgroup and I cried so hard I nearly swallowed my own head. Tell you what, let’s call it fifteen to be on the safe side - I had FIFTEEN massive, all-out meltdowns today.

Other than that I was in top form.

SATURDAY
Need to sort my life out. Tried to grab the actual poo from my nappy today. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

SUNDAY
Had a bad dream last night that I was an actual big person. Christ, it was horrible. I had loads to do and no time to do it. And I looked terrible.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find my parent blog on my website...or follow me on Twitter or Instagram.)

Thursday, 12 January 2017

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 28)

MONDAY
Discovered a great new game today called 'Keep Throwing Everything On The Floor Repeatedly For Ages'. (Needs a snappier title but you get the drift.) Big people joined in too. They kept picking everything up so I could keep playing.

TUESDAY
Reprogrammed the washing machine today. Mid-wash. Fuck knows what I did but it’s not working now. Tried to fix it for them but they wouldn’t let me near the thing.

WEDNESDAY
Had a great time ripping up my best books. Totally wrecked three of my favourite ones. Got told off by Mummy. Tried to blame the books. Didn’t work. Felt guilty. Mummy left room. Continued ripping books.

THURSDAY
Had hold of my Peppa Pig doll during a nappy change. Kept me distracted for a while until I grinded her face right into the filth. Big people went nuts and took her away. Really confusing. I thought she liked muddy puddles.

FRIDAY
The food round here is terrible. And the big people are full of shit - they keep saying it's 'lovely' as they tuck into something completely different. Hypocrites.

SATURDAY
Decided to throw my head to the side just as I was carried through a doorway. Hit my head on the frame. Cried for ages. Some of my life choices really are abysmal.

SUNDAY
I wish they’d stop asking me what’s up when I’m crying. You wouldn’t understand, man. It’s a toddler thing. Sort your own problems out.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find my parent blog on this website...follow me on Twitter or Instagram...)

Monday, 9 January 2017

20 Things I Have Learnt as a Parent of Toddler Twins

1.People who say you should 'enjoy every single moment of parenthood' are at best, unrealistic and at worst, morons.

2.It's easy to get to midday and realise you've not stopped since 6am but have achieved a grand total of naff all.

3.I don't care how strong you think you are, nobody is stronger than a baby that doesn't want to get dressed.

4.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a dump.

5.And there’s more chance of visiting Narnia than seeing the bottom of your laundry basket.

6.People without kids who say they're exhausted can kiss my tired, fat bottom.

7.In fact some days your energy levels resemble those of a diabetic sloth that’s cutting out caffeine for Lent.

8.I told my childless friend I'd had an 'amazing lie in till 7.30am' and he wet himself laughing. I was deadly serious.

9.I now time my morning routine by CBeebies theme tunes. If I'm not running the shower by the time Octonauts is starting, I'm screwed.

10.Phase 2 of parenthood is when an episode of a kids show comes on and you think, "Ah blooming heck, I've seen this one."

11.And whoever let Postman Pat fly a plane this week should be shot in the face.

12.I love my kids more than anything in the world.

13.But I’d love them even more if they’d nap properly.

14.Getting your baby to nap is like a game of Snakes and Ladders. One wrong move and you're back to the beginning.

15.When remarking "they've gone down well tonight" it's best to check you've turned the baby monitor on first.

16.Often you’ll panic that there's something seriously wrong with your baby but then realise they're just having a massive poo.

17.Some nappy changes are like Brexit - tonnes of build up, nobody really knows what's going on and a horrible mess to clean up afterwards.

18.Paying £40 a day for nursery when your kid is too ill to go because of a bug they caught at nursery smarts like a kick in the knackers.

19.Parenthood is a crafty beast - the second you master something it changes the game so you're rubbish at it again.

20.When your child laughs the world makes sense.

(I post my regular parenting blogs to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...)

Thursday, 5 January 2017

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 27)

MONDAY
Needed a dump all morning but managed to hold it in till we were leaving the house. They’d just got my coat on and I unleashed hell. Total and utter disruption. It’s great to be so involved in family stuff.

TUESDAY
Really fancied a moan today but couldn’t find anything to whine about. Spent ages looking but everything was incredibly lovely. Thankfully on my way to bed they wouldn’t let me climb in the oven so I whinged about that. Went to sleep feeling very satisfied.

WEDNESDAY
This Daddy character keeps asking me what I’m doing all the time. “What are you doing, mate? What you up to?” I’m a toddler you fucking moron. I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

THURSDAY
A bigger kid at the soft play got right in my face today. He roared dead loud, trying to scare me. It worked, I was terrified. He shouldn’t have even been in the toddler bit as he was about five. My heart was in my mouth and I didn’t know whether to cry or run away but luckily while I was planning my retort a massive burp appeared in my mouth (garlic bread) so I gave it to him with both barrels. He won’t do that again, the odious little turd.

FRIDAY
They’ve got to stop dressing me in these stupid clothes. Last week I was Santa and today I’m an elf. I don’t mind if we’re staying in but they always go the whole hog and then take me outside so everyone can see. It’s humiliating.

SATURDAY
2017 is gonna be a big year for me so I decided to make some New Year’s resolutions:

1. I will make a conscious effort to try new food with an open mind and open mouth.
2. I will finally start talking properly instead of pointing at everything and grunting.
3. I will not poo in the bath unless it’s absolutely necessary.

SUNDAY
Pooed in the bath. It wasn’t necessary. Will start again tomorrow.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find my parent blog on this website...)

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

Things I Learned Podcast Ep. 27 with Rob Rouse

My guest this week is the award-winning comedian and star of the tellybox Rob Rouse. He's been on 8 Out of 10 Cats, Dave's One Night Stand and XFM, plus he's got 2 kids so we had a great chat about what he's learned as a parent.


Listen and subscribe by clicking one of the links below:

iTunesStitcher or Podbean 

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Christmas

1.BEWARE OF FANCY NEW BUBBLE BATH. It looks lovely on the surface but can mask an underwater shite until it's far too late.

2.Your child’s nap time is perfect for postmen to loudly knock on your door with parcels for the entire street.

3.The best thing about having kids is that even a day of cleaning, furniture building and trips to the tip WITHOUT THEM feels like a two week all inclusive holiday.

4.If your child is on the roundabout and you're not pushing, I'm not pushing. Even if my kid has to sit there, completely stationary.

5.Toddlers are either about to fall over, have just fallen over or are in the process of falling over.

6.Nothing will make you feel more like a dad than spending 10 minutes of Christmas Eve swearing in the loft.

7.If you don’t put washing on on Xmas Day the whole system is fucked.

8.If your twins instantly start fighting over a present you know it's a hit.

9.The Quality Street disappeared by Boxing Day because they’re half the size they used to be. And we’re now twice the size.

10.The Cbeebies NYE party was probably like Ibiza 1988 compared to what we did.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I post my parenting blog on my FB page...)

Monday, 2 January 2017

5 New Year's Resolutions for Parents (That you won't keep)



1. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY, NO MATTER WHAT.

You've been up since 5am and planned to go out all day. But now it’s 4.50pm and you're picking dried shit off the carpet in your pyjamas.

Face facts - your house is a time vortex and even Nelson Mandela in the 1980’s got out more than you do.


2. YOU WILL NEVER EAT BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST

This is impossible when you’ve had 53 minutes sleep and your will power and sanity have fucked off in a sports car together like Thelma and Louise.

You’ll be frantically searching for the branflakes but instead the Jaffa Cakes will be there, giving you the eye like the sugary hussies they are.

You’ll move your gaze away towards the fruit but those biscuits have you in their tractor beam, undressing you with their eyes.

Before you know it you’ll be four biscuits deep, crumbs all over the work surface and tears of shame in your eyes.

3. YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY WASH YOUR SHEETS WHEN YOUR CHILD PUKES ON THEM

Baby is playing.
Baby is bouncing.
Baby is smiling.
Baby is puking.
Duvet is ruined.
Parent is tired.
Duvet is dabbed with a wet wipe.
Parent is satisfied that's classed as washing.

4. YOU WILL NOT LET BABY NAP ON THE SOFA

They've had it too good for too long. They need to learn that the sofa is for sitting and the cot is for napping.

Except your favourite programme is on and they're sleeping like a log that just got a new onesie.

You've woken a napping baby before and it was like an out-take from the Exorcist. Sod it. Let sleeping babies lie. 

You can start properly tomorrow.

5. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE WEARING ONLY CLEAN CLOTHES

This is as likely as Adele singing about a happy ending. (Of course by which I don’t mean one of the ‘extras’ in a seedy Soho massage parlour.)

Your criteria for choosing clothes used to be, 'OOH, WHAT WOULD I LOOK NICE IN TODAY?'

After your baby was born it became, ‘OOH, WHAT CLOTHES DON'T HAVE STAINS ON?'

A few months of parenthood down the line it evolved into, ‘OOH, WHAT CLOTHES DON'T HAVE STAINS ON THE CROTCH?'

Let’s be honest, nowadays you open the wardrobe and go, ‘AH FUCK IT. YOU CAN HARDLY SEE THAT PUKE IF I KEEP MY HAND THERE.'

I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. Follow my blog by liking my Facebook page.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

Happy New Year!

As we begin this new year I'd like to send a massive thanks to all of you who've read my blog, liked or shared anything I wrote in 2016. I'm continually amazed at the amount of you out there that enjoy my blatherings and I really appreciate your support.

Wishing you and your families a very happy & healthy 2017.

Sam x