'Hilarious' DAILY MAIL 'Very entertaining' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Wednesday, 18 October 2017

Book signing @ Waterstones, Liverpool One - Thursday 19th Oct


I'm doing a book signing and Q&A at Waterstones in Liverpool One this Thursday 19th Oct, 6.30pm.

Tickets are just £3 and available here.

I look forward to meeting some of you!

Sam x

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 51)

MONDAY
I specifically asked for beans WITH toast and they gave me beans ON toast. Pricks. Then they wheeled out that trademark backtracking bullshit that the toast was unscathed (even though it was dripping in depraved bean juice) and that the beans were also fine (even though they’d been polluted to high buggery by that disgusting toast). Both items are quite lovely on their own but put them together and they become the stuff of nightmares, like Mummy with wine.
TUESDAY
On the packed bus this morning I pointed directly at the large lady next to us and shouted MOO-COW dead loud. Mummy went bright red and told me to shush but this woman clearly had a picture of a moo-cow on her bag so I’m not sure what all the commotion was about to be honest.
WEDNESDAY
Was messing about in bed tonight and Daddy told me to stop but I carried on jumping up and down with my blanket over my head while pretending to be a zoo. At this point he’d normally threaten to send me to bed but I was already in bed so I felt completely bulletproof and brimming with confidence so I poked my head out and I could see in his eyes that he was all out of options and his entire justice system had been crushed. Glorious!
THURSDAY
Daddy told me not to go near the plug sockets. Funny, I’d never even noticed them before. Gonna investigate the shit out of them tomorrow.
FRIDAY
Why do they waste their stupid adult breath asking me if I want a yoghurt? Of course I want a bloody yoghurt! Do they really think I was forcing that vile main course down my neck for any reason other than to engineer this archaic reward system in my favour?
SATURDAY
Had some visitors come over with their kid who is the same age as me which, according to the Big People, is apparently all I need to be friends with someone these days. (Have they not heard of shared interests or repartee?) This new ‘friend’ of mine took great pleasure in playing with my favourite blue spade which normally wouldn’t have been a problem as I would have just violently snatched it back off her while screeching but she did it while I was having my nappy changed so there was fuck all I could do about it. She knew what she was doing, I’m sure of it, the little blue spade stealing bastard.
SUNDAY
Mummy told me what that strange eleventh finger-thing between my legs is. Apparently it’s ‘my willie’ and ‘we all have them’ although I couldn’t find Mummy’s and Peppa Pig doesn’t appear to own one either. When I found Daddy’s I pointed and laughed and he probably thought it was just that toddler laugh I do when I discover new stuff but I honestly couldn’t believe how tiny his was.
BUY MY BOOK HERE.

Tuesday, 17 October 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 50)

MONDAY
Kicked off big style after bathtime so they sat me on the naughty step. Had no pants on so made a political statement by emptying my arse all over it. #fuckthepolice
TUESDAY
It’s simply not enough that I have all the toys I want. Other people must also have toys. Not necessarily the toys they actually want but the toys that I want them to have. And this can change dramatically at any moment for absolutely no reason so keep the fuck up, bozos.
WEDNESDAY
I wish everyone would stop telling me I can’t do stuff. It does my little tits in.
THURSDAY
Back on the naughty step today. I really don’t understand how the good old fashioned bottom step is now suddenly the naughty step? It’s a joke really as it’s the very same step that Daddy sits on to tie his shoelaces and he never screams, sobs and then reluctantly apologises before he gets up like I have to.
FRIDAY
Some little girl at the park had thrown her hat on the floor and her Mummy was telling her to pick it up but she wouldn’t pick it up so I walked towards them and also told her to pick it up while pointing my finger quite aggressively at nobody in particular, hoping that an extra voice would help resolve the situation. Daddy said it was rude for me to do that and then he started waffling a load of old shite about people in glass houses not throwing stones or something but I got bored so picked up an actual stone and tried to throw it at a dog and Daddy got annoyed again, even though we were nowhere near a frigging glass house. Once again, mixed messages from the Big People.
SATURDAY
Had meatballs for lunch and they were bloody delicious. Kind of wish I hadn’t spent the last 18 months throwing them at the wall every time now.
SUNDAY
Woke up super early as Daddy hadn’t shut the curtains properly so he took me downstairs and we watched telly for proper ages. Finished Season 4 of Bing (not as good as Season 3 IMHO – talk properly you animated arsehole!) and watched some old-skool, bootleg Mr Tumble on YouTube. Great morning. Think I’ll wake up early every single day from now on if that’s what happens.
GET MY BOOK HERE.

Monday, 16 October 2017

8 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1. Never mind the big salaries at the BBC, I'm more annoyed they pissed money away making more than one episode of In The Night Garden.
2. That moment you're wolfing down your kid's leftovers and your partner says, 'They spat most of that out you know...'
🤢
3. This toddler 'mine' stage has gone supernova. My two year old just claimed both my feet were his.
4. My boys trying to feed yoghurt to their Nan over Skype is fucking hilarious. 🤣🤣
5. The day before the binmen come is like Christmas Eve in our house. That's not right.
6. My two year old has started carrying a croquet mallet everywhere with him, like some upper class Negan.
7. A piss stained bus stop is no place for a family picnic.
8. ME: What's the opposite of hot?
BOYS: Mummy!
Oh dear.

Sunday, 15 October 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 49)

MONDAY
Managed to evade capture from the authorities just before bathtime (while totally bollocko) so went and laid low under the Big People’s duvet. God knows how but I ended up INSIDE the fucking thing and couldn’t get out. Felt like I was lost inside a big fluffy cloud which was fun for a bit (three seconds) and then suddenly scary when I realised I was stuck. Mummy tried to coax me back to the opening but I was too busy screaming to listen to instructions so Daddy reached inside and said I was ‘like a bloody hamster’ (whatever that means) as he pulled me out. The whole experience was more traumatic than being born. Anyway, in the confusion I managed to lay some dirty cables inside the duvet. They won’t find those for ages.
TUESDAY
Sneezed all over my toast so offered it to Mummy. She didn’t want it so I got upset and broke it into smaller pieces but astonishingly she still wasn’t keen so I lovingly ground it up into snotty toast dust and offered it to her again. She finally saw sense and accepted my generous offer although it turns out she was only PRETENDING to eat it because a few seconds later she stood up to put a load of snotty toast dust in the bin which was obviously mine so I screamed that, in fact, I wanted that snotty toast dust back if she wasn’t going to eat it so she put it back on my plate and I spent an absolute age licking my finger and finishing it off. Bon appetit!
WEDNESDAY
Offered a pigeon a crisp today but he just flew away. Ungrateful git.
THURSDAY
Daddy said I could have the telly on before bed and I got dead excited but then he went and ruined it by putting bloody Number Blocks on! Why the frig would I want to watch an educational show after a long day playing and learning? I know for a fact when Daddy gets in from work he doesn’t watch boring programmes about the complicated internal mechanisms of the European common market, he watches shite. So I want to watch shite too. And by shite, I mean In the Night Garden.
FRIDAY
Was playing with the clothes pegs and pegging Daddy’s t-shirt and he was pretending he didn’t want to be pegged but I’m pretty sure he was playing along because I got about six on him and we were both laughing and having a lovely time and then I put a peg in my mouth and Daddy told me no but raised his voice ever so slightly so I panicked and let go and then HOLY FUCKING GREENDALE the bloody thing pegged my tongue! The pain was incredible but I couldn’t cry properly because I had a peg stuck to my tongue which threw me a bit and made me sound like an hysterical goose. Daddy got it off quite quickly and I calmed down and went back to pegging his t-shirt for a bit until I got bored and decided to put a peg on my lip to see if that hurt too. (It did.)
SATURDAY
I can’t stand up on the sofa, you won’t let me throw toys at the glass window and I’m not allowed to shove my hands down my pants. So what you’re saying is, IF SOMETHING’S FUN, DON’T DO IT? Jesus. No wonder all the Big People drink.
SUNDAY
Took the kite to the park which was the most excited I’d been since I found that old biscuit under the fridge but there was no wind so the whole trip was pointless. I tried to do a big fart but Mummy said we needed more wind than that so I suggested getting Daddy to come down because then we’d be in business but she said he was at work. As I was sobbing with disappointment she tried to blame something called ‘the weather’ but I wasn’t in the mood for the usual Big People spin tactics. Had my finger hovering over the tantrum button but called it off at the last second. Sometimes you’ve got to pick your battles.

Saturday, 14 October 2017

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1. Hell hath no fury like a toddler when you turn the telly off.
2. If you haven't sang 'Old Macdonald Had A Farm' all the way from M6 junction 12 to M62 junction 10, trust me - the time just flies by 😩
3. Some arguments my boys are now having with each other are ridiculous. A recent debate about whether a bus was a bus descended into full scale violence.
4. Standard conversation in our house...
ME: Are you having a poo, son?
*toddler's face changes actual shape while he grits his teeth and nearly pops an eyeball out*
SON: No?
5. Introduced the old Black Lace 'Superman' song to my kids and apparently the command just after 'Clean your teeth' is 'Kick Daddy in the bollocks.'

Friday, 13 October 2017

My Book is Out!

(Me on top of Orion Publishing HQ with the Eye of Sauron behind me)
MY BOOK IS FINALLY OUT! 

I remember sitting next to my wife's hospital bed a few hours after our twins had been born, thinking 'I should probably write some of this down. I'll forget it otherwise.'

Fast forward two and a bit years and this book that I'm incredibly proud of is now making its way out into the world. 

I never dreamed this would happen. I feel very fortunate. Huge thanks and love to you all x

Buy your copy here!

Thursday, 12 October 2017

The Ass Circle of Life

We went to a party on Sunday and I noticed that Zac's juvenile bum crack had become exposed to the other revellers like he was some kind of diminutive building site worker. 

I bent down to fix him and as I pulled his kecks up my mate kindly pointed out that now MY arse was on show for the world. 

It was a beautiful, circle-of-life type moment, unless you happened to be tucking into some quiche while this Avery lunar eclipse took place. 


Friday, 6 October 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 48)

MONDAY
Started squeezing a turd out and the Big People asked me if I was having a poo. Listen, chaps – if my face looks like I’m giving birth to a fucking hedgehog it’s quite safe to assume that I’m mid-shit. Okay?

TUESDAY
Got really wound up today when I couldn’t open a page on a chunky flap book. Mummy explained that it wasn’t actually two pages stuck together but just the one page, what with it being a chunky flap book but despite all the evidence pointing in her favour I wasn’t totally convinced until I’d ripped the whole thing to smithereens.

WEDNESDAY
It really boils my piss when the Big People tell me something doesn’t matter. The reason I’m covering my entire torso in my own snot and tears is because it absolutely does matter. At least to me, right now. One day, when the dust has settled, maybe we’ll all be able to look back on this incident and have a little chuckle together but in the heat of the moment, it’s Armafuckingeddon. Because that toast was clearly cut into the wrong shape.

THURSDAY
Only wanted to be near Mummy today. Couldn’t even bring myself to look at Daddy’s stupid face.

FRIDAY
Was badgering Daddy to read me a book while he was making lunch. He said he’d read it to me in a minute which is kind of useless really as I’ll have completely lost interest in a minute. It’s now or never, fatty.

SATURDAY
Felt rubbish today so Mummy said I could help her make breakfast. It was such a great feeling to be an integral part of the team, doing really important tasks like fetching spoons from the drawer and closing the fridge. Then she wouldn’t let me carry the freshly boiled kettle across the kitchen and at that point it became clear that my input wasn’t really being taken seriously so I screamed like Daddy did when I bit him in Aldi.

SUNDAY
Daddy was on the toilet so I tried to return the favour and help him wipe his bum but he didn’t seem very grateful so I went to fiddle with the baby gate at the top of the stairs. Somehow managed to pick the lock and the bloody thing opened so Daddy went bananas and jumped up to close it again but because his pants were round his ankles he had to walk like a penguin until he got to the landing and then he hit the ground like a sack of shit. When he saw I was okay and the gate was shut he went back to the toilet. I wish I could talk properly as I would’ve asked him if he was having a poo. See how he likes it.

MORE TOMORROW...

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 47)

MONDAY
Got upset at something insignificant so Daddy tried to calm me down by explaining everything simply and calmly, using logic, patience and love. I couldn’t give a fuck, mate. Just give me the biscuit.

TUESDAY
Saw a girl on a scooter today. I’d love a scooter. Something else to fall off innit?

WEDNESDAY
Screamed my head off in the living room and Daddy sprinted in looking really panicked and he must have thought I was injured in some horrific manner because he almost seemed relieved when he realised that I hadn’t in fact broken a limb or got my finger mangled but instead was struggling to fix the bottom of my jeans that needed rolling up a bit.

THURSDAY
Mummy was taking us to see an old friend today who I’ve never met and she was dead excited. She asked me if I was going to be shy again and I said no because I was only shy last time I met her friends due to the fact I’d shat my pants and despite my tender years, I’m not sure that’s a great first impression for people to have of you is it? Then she asked if I was going to be good and I said I would but thankfully didn’t sign anything legally binding because when we got to Starbucks I thought it would be much more fun to act like a miniature Beelzebastard and start biting furniture and rolling on the floor. What cheered me right up was when Mummy said to her friend, ‘Sorry, he’s not NORMALLY like this.’ Ha! Hilarious.

FRIDAY
Finally managed to jump in the air today. Such a buzz! Hadn’t prepared for the landing though so fell on my arse. Good job my nappy was chock-full of piss and acted as an emergency cushion.

SATURDAY
Was playing hide and seek with Mummy and she started counting to 20 and I went to hide but noticed the baby gate was open so I was straight up the stairs to hide in the bath but she must have heard me giggling while I climbed the stairs as she only got to 7 and then came and got me. For God’s sake woman, rules are rules!

SUNDAY
Refused to eat my chicken so they said I couldn’t have a yoghurt. I stood firm on my chicken stance but they weren’t budging on the yoghurt so in the end I agreed to give it another go. They brought it back and I’d forgotten how much I didn’t want it so when I spotted the chicken in front of me again I totally lost it so they took it away a second time. I then quite optimistically asked for my yoghurt again but they explained that I had to eat the chicken first so I reluctantly asked for it to be brought back again. (My negotiating skills are still developing but I’m sure I’ll have this nailed before Christmas.) I sucked the flavour off a few bits and spat them out onto the floor only to be told that this didn’t actually constitute eating and therefore I wasn’t eligible for a yoghurt. For fucks sake. I haven’t been this angry since they turned the telly off. They took me out of my chair and I tried to run away but slipped on a rogue piece of chewed up chicken that some selfish bastard had spat on the floor so I ended up face down on the floor in a heap of tears, desperation and gravy. I normally love chicken.

MORE TOMORROW...

Tuesday, 3 October 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 46)

MONDAY
Went to a new playgroup and an impromptu farting competition broke out. In hindsight I should have conceded defeat after the little girl I was facing let rip with a stonker that sounded like when Daddy broke the hoover but I didn’t and I tried so hard to compete because I wanted to impress everyone and in the end I think I tried a bit too hard to impress and accidentally shat myself. I’m not sure that was the impression I wanted to make but I’m sure I’ll get over it.

TUESDAY
Just because I run away screaming into another room and start doing a jigsaw doesn’t mean I want you to stop reading that book to me from the other side of the house. When are people going to realise that I can multitask?

WEDNESDAY
Didn’t want my nappy changing first thing so kicked my legs furiously and bent my body in ways I didn’t think was possible just to make it really bloody difficult for Mummy. As she was trying to put the new nappy on I managed a full scale commando roll but due to lack of planning and no proper training I didn’t see that my old nappy was left wide open right next to me so my roll to freedom was hastily curtailed when I ended up face down in an entire night’s worth of sweat and piss. I was in a world of despair down there but I’m sure I could hear the Big People giggling. What utter bastards.

THURSDAY
I want to be the first child to appear on that middle bit of Tellytubbies and not repeat myself like all the other stupid kids. Don’t say the same thing twice - you’re on national television!

FRIDAY
During naptime I decided to be a train for two hours instead. I was choo-chooing all over the place and I reckon I’d make a great train although it must be quite tiring as I was fucking exhausted later on.

SATURDAY
Why is my pain tolerance so low if I’m clumsy as shit? Walked into two walls today and then stood up at speed whilst under a table and twatted my head. There’s simply no justice.

SUNDAY
Managed to shove my hand down my nappy when I woke up and pulled out part of the massive jobby that had annoyingly woke me up on it’s way out. It absolutely reeked so I tried to shove it back into the nappy but most of it ended up smeared across my back so I gave up and wiped the rest all over my cot, bedsheets and teddy bears instead. I feel bad about that last bit, especially Tigger. He’s always been there for me and in return I completely submerged him in so much bum fudge that he looked like something Daddy was watching on the news once about an oil spillage.

MORE TOMORROW...

Monday, 2 October 2017

5 THINGS I LEARNED AS A PARENT THIS WEEK

1. That moment when your kids have left the room and you realise you've been watching Mr Tumble on your own for 15 minutes.

2. A toddler's mood can change more suddenly and unexpectedly than the temperature on an unfamiliar shower.

3. You know what really compliments pizza? Changing an ungodly nappy midway through. Cheers, son.

4. Genuine conversation with my 2 year old:
'Daddy?'
'Yes, son?'
'NO!'
Jesus.

5. Watching my kids this morning I've realised one thing: We all need to run round in our undies more often.

MORE TOMORROW...

Sunday, 1 October 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 45)

Right, I've been MEGA slack at updating this website because of all the book stuff. And the thing is, I've still been posting my blog on my Facebook page but just haven't transferred it over to here. So I'm going to play catch up and stick a daily post here until I'm up to date.

Starting with this one:


MONDAY
Dunked my toothbrush in the toilet and then popped it back in my mouth. Big People went mental. The way they reacted you’d think that nobody actually wears nappies around here and everyone shits in the toilet instead. Unbelievable.

TUESDAY
Wanted my coat on. Was told it was too hot. Got angry. They finally put my coat on. Was WAY too hot. Got REALLY angry. Took coat off. Screamed more. Felt embarrassed. Also suspected that I was too hot because I was so angry. Will try again when I'm not fuming.

WEDNESDAY
Spent ages in the car today, by my estimate about two years. Pretty much everything we own was crammed in there – it was more packed than my pants that time when I hadn’t shat in four days but then ate half a pack of fig rolls and unleashed hell in the middle of John Lewis. They packed that much stuff in the car and the Big People were so stressed I was sure we were moving house until they told me we were just going on holiday. Finally arrived at this cottage that looked like something off Postman Pat and I made sure to quickly run around and find all the danger spots before they had a chance to figure out what was going on. Slammed my fingers in a door, hid some keys and sat in the dishwasher before cooler heads prevailed and they stuck the telly on while they moved all the sharp objects.

THURSDAY
Went swimming which was loads of fun until we got into the changing room and Daddy clearly hadn’t planned how he was going to dry and dress the pair of us together. As a team player I did my bit by opening our changing room door constantly, crying and running away across the wet floor. Slipped over twice and hurt my arm and then Daddy tried to catch me but he slipped as well and he said some words that Mummy tells him not to say in front of me but I honestly don’t mind and hopefully I’ll be able to say them myself soon. Wanted to run off one last time so waiited till Daddy was completely bollocko so he couldn’t leave the changing room but he somehow managed to wrap his t-shirt around his bits and grab me so I pissed on his foot instead.

FRIDAY
Went swimming again but this time Mummy was with us and they brought biscuits for me to eat while they dressed me although why on earth they’d think anyone would want to actually eat food whilst watching their naked parents towel themselves down in front of them is beyond me. Managed to get past it though and ate four while sitting very still.

SATURDAY
Daddy tried to raise his voice at me today. It really is hilarious when he does that. I probably shouldn’t laugh in his face but he honestly hasn’t got a clue. Maybe I’ll pretend it works next time, give him a little boost.

SUNDAY
If we’re on holiday how come I’m still supposed to eat all the same disgusting food as back home while the Big People eat all this fancy stuff? Total bullshit. They think I haven't seen them eating secret biscuits while they stand at the sink but I know what's going on here.

MORE TOMORROW...

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Always Judge a Book By It's Cover...

Here it is, guys - the front cover of my book!



The release date has just been brought forward to OCTOBER 5th (due to popular demand!) and it's available to pre-order HERE!

Once again, I can't thank you all enough for the shares, mentions and friend-tagging you've given my posts. It's totally been the reason why this page has grown and it's such a thrill to connect with so many people from far and wide and hopefully make you laugh.

I'm so excited to get this book into the world and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it :)

Sam x

Monday, 10 July 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 44)

MONDAY
Why does Mummy sit down? She must know by now that it’s utterly futile – wherever she is I’ll find her and force her to get up again. I always ask nicely at first but if she’s not on her feet within a tenth of a second of my first request then I think it’s only fair to start shouting at her with increasing volume and indignation. She must stand up, always. Be ready, woman. I may not need you right this instant but if you’re sitting down you’re literally no good to anybody.

TUESDAY
Two things I cannot and will not abide:

1.INJUSTICE
2.CARROTS.

Both make me sick to the core. Thankfully, the Big People don’t hide mashed bits of injustice in my yoghurt so I eat it without knowing.

WEDNESDAY
Threw a tantrum after dinner that got quite silly. Was swinging on the curtain having a lovely time and not hurting anyone but Daddy said I might hurt the curtain so I grabbed the other curtain and it turns out the same rule applied to that one, which I think perhaps he should have made clear at the outset. This total and utter bullshit incensed me fucking rotten so I screamed and yanked my socks off, although the right one took longer to get off and I was pulling it so hard that when it did finally come off I hit myself in the face which didn’t help anyone to be honest. Daddy tried to pick me up so I loosened my body to make it physically impossible (I’m sure I’m part-worm) and I crawled under the table and sat there for a bit, crying at regular intervals so they knew I wasn’t ready to begin peace talks. Whilst rolling about amongst the food I’d thrown on the floor I came across some old toast so started chewing it and then I saw Mummy’s legs appear in front of me so started crying again but I was eating toast so the crying sounded disingenuous to say the least and when she bent down to see me we both smiled and then had a little cuddle.

THURSDAY
They asked me what was wrong but I couldn’t explain, mainly due to the fact that:
a) I can’t talk properly yet.
b) I didn’t have a fucking clue.

FRIDAY
Got an ice cream at the park - total heaven! It was all over my face which made it even more fun and I was licking harder as it was starting to melt and the combination of me licking too much and gravity being a total bastard made it drop onto the floor and before I could pick it up some scruffy dog ran over and started licking it instead. It’s hard to put into words the total and utter inferno of misery that ravaged through me for the next forty minutes but I have never felt so broken and empty as I did today. Well, until Mummy bought me a new one and everything was sound again. Lovely day, actually.

SATURDAY
Been trying to jump in the air all week. Can’t seem to manage it. The Big People are very encouraging but I’m not sure I like learning under so much scrutiny. I’m also aware that if I do manage it, I don’t know how to land yet so will probably just end up on my arse or face but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

SUNDAY
Woke up and started shouting ‘NO!’ before I’d even got out of my cot – a new record. To be honest, that set quite a negative tone for the day and in the end I barked ‘NO!’ at pretty much every suggestion, regardless of whether it was incredibly productive or total bollocks. Daddy lost his patience a little and asked if I’d like to go to bed early so I shouted ‘YES!’ and you should have seen his face! You weren’t expecting that, were you old man? Take that, fuckers!

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram @thelearnerparent )

Wednesday, 28 June 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.I'd rather tackle a burglar with a tickling stick than a soft play centre with a hangover.

2.Kids TV shows need warnings at the beginning. 'This programme contains scenes that some viewers may find incredibly irritating...'

3.My boys shared a womb for 8 months but now won't share a drink.

4.Kids might well 'eat for £1 at Harvester' but try leaving them there while you go shopping - the staff just freak out.

5.'How do you tell the twins apart, Sam?'
'Well, one likes cheese ON toast and the other likes cheese WITH toast.'

6.Our sofa now has more skid marks than Brands Hatch.

7.I set my alarm for 8am every morning, just so I can have a little chuckle when it goes off and I've already been awake for 3 fucking hours.

8.In fact, me and my wife now talk about lie-ins like something from a bygone era, like Blockbuster Video or mixtapes.

9.Toddlers will not sit and watch the BBC News Channel even when there's been a dramatic election.

10.Parenthood is the most beautiful trauma you will experience.

(I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...you can also find me on Instagram )

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 43)

MONDAY
Started saying ‘NO!’ to everything. It’s exhilarating! When I think back to all those times I just went along with their helpful and loving suggestions – well, not anymore. I usually won’t even let them finish the question although sometimes it’s not even a question but I answer it anyway with a prompt and enraged ‘NO!’ and sometimes I wave my arms or do a little angry dance. Got offered a biscuit today and shouted ‘NO!’ even though I really meant yes because I love biscuits but I’ve discovered that being unreasonably obstructive is so enjoyable that it’s even more fun than actually eating biscuits which is maybe a diet technique that Daddy might want to try sometime soon.

TUESDAY
Daddy did a funny face and it was really funny and I laughed and he did it again and I laughed even more and then he did it a third time and not only did it instantly stop being funny, it immediately became offensive towards everything I stand for. I stopped laughing and shouted at him and he stopped. He sheepishly tried the same face later on but I stared at him and he quickly backed down.

WEDNESDAY
I wish they’d stop wiping my nose. My mouth does a fine job of catching any stray snot that’s running down my face and anything that doesn’t drip down is taken care of by my tongue or sleeve. I’m not crying because it hurts, you morons - you’re stunting my independence!

THURSDAY
Just discovered pockets. Bloody mental aren’t they?

FRIDAY
Didn’t eat any of my dinner so Mummy said I couldn’t have a yoghurt. In the confusion I only heard the word ‘yoghurt’ so understandably assumed I was getting said yoghurt. When she didn’t give me a yoghurt I did one of those cries where you feel like you’re going to choke on your own face so Mummy picked me up and I flung my head back into the wall. Hurt like fuck. Still no yoghurt. Waste of effort.

SATURDAY
Discovered a new game! It’s called ‘Keep-throwing-your-dummy-out-of-the-cot-so-that-the-big-people-keep-coming-upstairs-to-pick-it-up.’ The title needs work but you get the idea. Best part is watching their enthusiasm and mood deteriorate with every trip they make. Reckon this game could go global one day.

SUNDAY
Teddy bear’s picnic today. Had a lovely time mingling and pretending to drink tea and then a load of these old Care Bears that belonged to Mummy when she was little rocked up and started nicking all the tea and basically ruined everything. One of them was a talker but really low on batteries so when he spoke he sounded like the guy who lives on our street who Mummy says drinks too much and it was fucking terrifying.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram)

Sunday, 25 June 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 42)

MONDAY
Licked the telly when the ice cream advert came on. Hope Mummy doesn’t buy that brand as it tasted fucking horrible.

TUESDAY
I wish Daddy would get some pants that fit him. Every time I throw something on the floor he bends over and that hairy arsecrack is right in my face. At one point I thought I was about to meet a new sibling.

WEDNESDAY
At the park Daddy kept putting me on the little slide even though I’ve made it clear since I was about 8 months that the little slide is, quite simply, bollocks. Slumped down it a couple of times and then ran off towards the big slide. He said I couldn’t go on it and I was too little but I started climbing up the steps because sometimes I don’t care and there was kids behind me so he couldn’t get to me and he looked a bit worried but I knew I’d be okay and then I got to top of the steps and just as everyone was looking at me and it was my big moment to shine I suddenly and quite dramatically needed a poo so started squeezing out something that felt like the size of my head. Finished my poo and then slid down the big slide like a total champ but could feel it all squish around in my pants like hot play-doh so the whole experience was quite bitter-sweet to be honest.

THURSDAY
How dare the Big People give a book that I’m not reading and don’t like anyway to somebody else? Just because I’ve shown no interest, left the room and started doing something different doesn’t mean I’m not still reading it.

FRIDAY
When I grow up I’m going to design tables and make sure none of them have fucking corners on them. Bastards.

SATURDAY
Wanted to take Teddy to playgroup but they wouldn’t let me so I screamed and they gave me the old ‘he’ll be here when we get back’ horseshit. (They said the same thing about that snowman we built last year and he buggered off so quickly he even forgot his own nose, the fool!) I screamed and sobbed and lay down on the floor and kicked my legs but they stood firm so I kicked a bit more and then realised I was moving backwards across the carpet which hurt my back so I stopped kicking and just screamed louder instead. Was just about to stop because the whole scene was getting a little bit embarrassing and I didn’t want to miss playgroup but then they completely gave in and said I could take him. (Was pleased to learn this ‘Armageddon Tactic’ actually works as results have been mixed so far.) Anyway, it was great showing Teddy around playgroup. I introduced him to everyone and had a lovely time putting him in the cars and pushing him around. I love Teddy more than anything and I’d be lost without him although somehow managed to completely forget he existed so we left without him and I only realised when we were back in the car so we all had to get out again and rush back in and we couldn’t find him until I saw a little girl kissing him and feeding him cups of tea so I calmly explained to her there’d been a simple misunderstanding while I yelled and flung my arms about and grabbed Teddy’s legs but she wouldn’t let go and we’re both pulling at him and thankfully he ripped a bit and she lost her grip and fell over and we all went home.

SUNDAY
I’m sure I overheard them discussing taking my dummy away soon. If they remove my dummy, I’ll remove their remote control. Simple. We all have our vices.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram  )

Friday, 23 June 2017

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week


1. Hearing a mother angrily shout at HER KID who has YOUR NAME will shit you right up.

2. Until my kids were born I’d never witnessed a turd leaving it’s natural habitat. Now I've seen it more than Eastenders.

3. The most relaxing thing as a new parent is a hard day at work.

4. It’s worth having twins just to hear them blame farts on each other.

5. In the right mood, a two year old will still give you a really nice hug. And it’s the best 0.3 seconds of the day.

(I post regular blogs to my FB page...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram )

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 41)

MONDAY
Had the runs today. Arse was out of control. Every fart felt like Russian Roulette. At the dinner table I pushed out something that felt like soup so Daddy took my pants off and I sharted down his arm. He looked like Mummy when she tried that cheap spray tan.

TUESDAY
Started to feel sick at lunch so made sure I ate loads more food than usual and asked for seconds and drank extra juice. Was tucking into my third waffle when I did a weird cough which morphed into a puke which went on forever and definitely lasted longer than some of my naps. Tried to polish off the waffle in between bouts of retching but the bastards took it off me and then I puked all over my plate and they took that away even though I clearly hadn’t finished and I tried to tell them but they said eating your own sick is bad for you which is rubbish as I’ve seen the dog do it and he’s always wagging his tail.

WEDNESDAY
Woke up feeling brilliant. Stood up in cot, giggling my head off. Tripped over duvet. Twatted head on side of cot. Started crying. Mummy came in so I jumped up again, feeling better. With all the excitement and emotion I fell back and twatted my head a second time on the headboard. Started screaming. Godawful start to the day. The world can be a cruel place sometimes.

THURSDAY
Some of the banter in this house stinks worse than the nappy bin. Got asked today, ‘Are you eating a banana?’ Well Daddy, let’s review the evidence shall we? You’ve just given me a banana, and I’ve taken a bite out of said banana. So in summary, yes – I’m eating a fucking banana. How on earth you convinced Mummy to shack up with you with such woeful patter is frankly beyond me.

FRIDAY
Been experimenting with walking on my tip toes. It feels good. In fact, scratch that – it feels GREAT. Why doesn’t everyone do it? Plus now I can reach all the dangerous stuff they thought was out of reach, like wine and scissors.

SATURDAY
Slept in today till 5.20am. Felt quite lazy but sometimes you just need a bit of ‘me’ time to recharge the batteries.

SUNDAY
Did a poo today that was so difficult I’m pretty sure it came out sideways. Turned my face away from everyone so they wouldn’t know it was me but it proper stank so I denied it for ages and left the room for a bit to lie low and let the heat die down. Managed to evade the authorities for ages but then got stuck between the sofa and the bookcase so had to shout and wait for help to arrive and by then it had started climbing up my back so I kept denying it but then it started to leak so I blamed it on Mummy.

(I've been posting all the time on my FB page but have neglected to upload them to my website - apologies! And you can expect a flurry of blogs over the next week, Sam x)

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.My bum crack makes so many unwanted appearances at the soft play centre I'm surprised it hasn't got it's own membership card.

2.How can a sweet, beautiful baby honk like a Megabus shitter?

3.Shouting "I'VE GOT A RED NEE-NAW!" as an adult sounds like you're admitting to an STD.

4.A toddler has no respect for a hangover.

5.My standards continue to nosedive. I asked my wife is there was 'much' poo on the bedsheet. (Note to self: ANY amount is WAY too much.)

6.Toy negotiations in our house are more complex than the Middle East peace process.

7.Telling your lad that 'big boys wear vests' sounds like a Judas Priest b-side.

8.I asked one twin to share his Shreddies with his brother. You'd think I'd asked him to hack his own arm off.

9.Trying to dress little people as they whizz through your legs on a bike makes you feel like you've joined the fucking circus.

10.I know it's only an advert but that Pampers one for premature nappies gets me every time 😢

(I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...you can also find me on Instagram)

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 40)

MONDAY
Went to feed the ducks this morning. Had a mouthful of seeds when no-one was looking but they were proper minging. Tried to spit them out but they all got stuck to my mouth so started crying which made them stick to my face. Thankfully, managed to get back in the game with a couple of wet-wipes and a quick cuddle. Anyway, the ducks were all dead sound and happy to wait for the next handful but then this big mad goose came over and jumped the queue, flapping it’s wings and shouting like Rambo and I wasn’t bothered till it hissed right in Daddy’s face and then he picked me up and we started running and this goose was chasing us and then another one joined in and now there’s six of the mad fuckers chasing us across the mud and Daddy slipped in dog shit and his sandwich fell out of his bag so the geese all stopped and started fighting over it. I think Daddy was crying. He must have really wanted that sandwich.

TUESDAY
Had beans on toast for tea. Wasn’t in the mood so starting flicking food onto the floor. Daddy told me that I shouldn’t ‘flick the bean’ and then went red and tried to say it differently which made Mummy collapse in fits of laughter. I know my sense of humour is developing but how on earth is that funny?

WEDNESDAY
Had so much fun playing with a balloon. Throwing, kicking, grabbing, slapping. Sat on it for ages and rolled round on top. Humped it for a bit too, until Mummy stopped me. Sat on it again and was laughing my little head off till the bastard thing suddenly noisily disappeared. Shit me right up. Haven’t been that scared since I couldn’t find my willie in Starbucks.

THURSDAY
Didn’t touch my own food but demolished Mummy’s. What can I say? Food tastes nicer off other people’s plates. Fact.

FRIDAY
Today was total shit. Hated everything we did and every suggestion that was made. Daddy offered me a drink and I cried so hard I could feel myself withering away. Got so fucked off at one point I ran into the wall.

SATURDAY
Today was the day – I finally ran loose at the supermarket! Been planning it for ages: when to escape, where to go, how to evade recapture. Of course, in the heat of the moment the careful plan all went to shit so I just legged it down the aisle where they keep the bananas and dived behind the spam. I wasn’t sure they were even taking my escape seriously as they didn’t break into a jog or raise their voice until I tried to jump onto another trolley that was going the other way and that’s when they ran over and took me back into custody.

SUNDAY
Was playing with my trains in the lounge when I heard Daddy carefully pouring a bowl of cereal on the other side of the house through two closed doors and the telly on really loud. Ran into the kitchen and the coward hid the food behind his back. I cried and pointed to let him know the game was up and that I wasn’t leaving the room under any circumstances till he cut me into the deal. After what felt like literally seconds he said I could just have one but I managed to eat more than half the bowl. I love sharing.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram )

Thursday, 11 May 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 39)


MONDAY
Went to soft play centre this morning and couldn’t wait to get on the slide. Was so excited to slide down in my super slidey pants and super slidey socks and I was flying down the slide and got a bit too excited and turned round halfway down and CUT MY FUCKING HEAD! How can you call it a ‘Soft Play’ when there’s hard bits all over the place? Cried so much I couldn’t breathe for a while. Got given a lollipop so stopped crying and started breathing. Tried to go back on the slide but wasn’t allowed with my lollipop. Finished lollipop quickly but STILL wasn’t allowed back on. Gutted because I’d wolfed down my lollipop and had my super slidey pants on. Started crying again. Wanted another lollipop but got offered fruit. FUCKING FRUIT! WITH A HEAD INJURY! Do me a favour. If I’m bleeding, I want sugar. Simple as. Cried all the way home in my super slidey pants.

TUESDAY
Another stand-off at lunchtime today. What can I say? Some days I like chicken, some days I don’t. Some days I like beef, today I preferred my shoe. Tomorrow I might fancy a bit of fried rubber with a side order of fuck all - who knows? I can’t help it if my tastebuds are all messed up. It’s Mother Nature, man.

WEDNESDAY
Had a raspberry conversation with my own arse this evening. We chatted about all sorts. Tried to start it up again later but things got a bit heated and I accidentally shat myself.

THURSDAY
Really want to go to nursery with no clothes on tomorrow. They probably won’t let me, as per usual. Why is this never an option? I reckon most people would prefer it. Might try and start a movement.

FRIDAY
Saw my own reflection whilst having a poo today. Christ almighty. Have I been pulling that face the whole time? I look like Mummy when she steps on Lego.

SATURDAY
Got subjected to the entire weekly shop again. Used to love those trolleys but I get so bored now. There’s endless havoc I could be unleashing around the supermarket but instead I’m treated like a prisoner. Was crying on the way out and some old lady said, ‘Ooh, he’s not a happy bunny is he?’ Of course I’m not fucking happy - I’m strapped to a barbaric metal contraption in the middle of Aldi while my little life passes me by. And if I don’t know you, don't touch my face, okay?

SUNDAY
The Big People need to get their stupid heads around the fact that sometimes I simply do not need or want to sleep. Just because I’m screaming, rubbing my eyes and yawning doesn’t mean I’m tired. Most of the time I’m just fuming that yet again, they’ve taken me away from playtime. There’s so much entertainment to be seen and when they incarcerate me in my cot I’m missing all the crucial parts. That mirror in the hallway? Incredible. Slapping the window sill? Priceless. Interrupting Daddy on the toilet? NEVER GETS OLD.

(I'm a parent blogger, stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post a new 'Secret Diary' to this FB page every Tuesday and I'm also on Instagram.

Monday, 8 May 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week


1.Which knobhead decided "taking candy from a baby" was easy? I tried to retrieve my own biscuit from a 2 year old and got a thick lip.

2.I view older kids in the wrong section of soft play centres on a par with war criminals.

3.I reckon when Shane from Westlife sings 'Wheels on the Bus' to his kids he stands up and changes key halfway through.

4.Forget baby wipes, some nappy changes need a Priest.

5.If you sing 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' to a screaming toddler, in just the right key, it has absolutely zero effect.

6.You know you're a modern parent when your kids falls over and you upload a pic to Instagram before picking them

7.I save the undies 'least likely to show the top of my arsecrack' for days at the play centre.

8.You can be so exhausted that you apologise to the dishwasher when you accidentally open it before it's finished.

9.If you spend shitloads of money taking your kids to an expensive zoo, their favourite animal will be a frigging duck.

10.There are two types of parents at the park:
- Those who push the roundabout
- Knobheads

I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

I'm rebranding, slightly!

*SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT KLAXON!*


I set up my social media pages years ago, waaaay before my kids were even a glint in my eye.

They were set up initally to post stuff about what gigs I was doing, links to Edinburgh Festival dates and short video clips of my stand up. As a jobbing comic, I thought it would be useful for promoters I didn’t currently work for to see what I was up to and if I was any good, it might lead to more work.

I barely posted anything.

Then my kids were born and I started the blog. At first I just posted that on my personal Facebook profile but a few months in I wondered if some people on my friends list were maybe getting a bit sick of scrolling through two solid months of posts about not-so-solid nappies.

That’s when I started posting my blog on my other accounts and in a quite startling development, the audience started to grow, especially on Facebook where there are now over 61k likes on the page.

Fast forward to now and I’ve posted nothing but my blog on social media for AT LEAST eighteen months, leaving any would-be stand up promoters to probably feel slightly confused when they land on my accounts to see what gigs I’m currently doing and instead find a long post about tantrums in Tesco.

So with that in mind, I’ve decided to rename my social media pages.

A recurring theme in my blog is my lack of understanding of what I’m doing (or ‘fuckwittery’ if you will) and my quest to learn. This has been something I’ve tried to cover most weeks in my ‘Things I Learned as a Parent’ posts.

So I’ve renamed my pages as…

*drum roll*

'The Learner Parent’ 😃

I think it's the perfect fit for my blog and the pages - I’ve been a parent for two years now and I’m still totally winging it. I've spoke to much more experienced parents who say they're still learning all the time as every phase throws up brand new challenges. I can’t ever forsee a time when I’m not a Learner Parent, whether I’m helping my kids move out or welcoming my first grandchild into the world.

Rest assured, it’s still Old Comedy Sam posting the usual blogs, ‘The Secret Diary’ every week and other assorted blatherings on parenthood.

Hope this all makes sense - thanks for reading this and all the other nonsense I post. It’s so heartening to know so many other people have similar struggles as myself and it’s great to share in the highs, lows, joys and frustration that this incredible thing gives us on a daily basis.
Sam (AKA The Learner Parent) x

p.s. If you want to find me on other social media I’m on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. I’m not on Snapchat as that place just looks bloody mental.

p.p.s. I nearly signed this off as ‘The Artist Formerly Known as Sam Avery Comedian’ but then realized how utterly wanky that sounds. And now I’ve written it here anyway. Should have just kept that bit to myself probably…