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Friday, 27 January 2017

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 30)

MONDAY
Did an epic bumsquirt just as we were leaving for Grandma’s. Proper end-of-days stuff. Arse-juice everywhere. Big People got flustered because we were late. What can I say? There’s just something about putting my coat on that makes me want to shite.

TUESDAY
Got told off today for drawing a beard on the dog. What’s the problem? The dog looked great and didn’t complain once. Plus it was my best felt tip (orange) so it’s quite an assumption from the Big People to say he hated his new look. The combination of being told off plus feeling terrible for the dog missing out on a much-needed fresh image made me do a proper cry. (That one where your face scrunches up and real tears come out rather than the one where you scream and your face turns red like it has nappy rash.) Anyway, I must have looked super cute because the Big People cuddled me straight away and then weirdly, THEY apologized. Interesting, very interesting…

WEDNESDAY
Got told off again for biting Mummy. Tried to fake that real crying thing again but they saw right through it and called bullshit. I stopped 'crying' and carried on with my day. Next time I really need to commit. Or maybe I should just stop biting people?

THURSDAY
Discovered if you bash a dummy against the side of your cot for long enough the Big People show up. Handy to know if there's an emergency.

FRIDAY
Saw loads of buses in the car today. Got well excited. They’re so big and funny looking. Then we didn’t see any for ages which made me sad. Then we saw three of them all at once! Weird thing is, this always happens. When I grow up I’m going to come up with an expression to describe this regular occurrence.

SATURDAY
That music on the baby monitor is total bollocks. There’s no beat. Give me something I can move to.

SUNDAY
It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that I don’t deal with disappointment well. They wouldn’t let me play with the scissors this morning and I just lost it. Thrashing about, sobbing, whacking my head on the corner of the fridge for good measure. Could barely see through all the snot, tears and emotion. Then they tried putting my coat on and I moved effortlessly up to the next level of tantrum which was quite the thrill if I'm being honest. Cried so hard I totally forgot what I was pissed off about in the first place and let them put my coat on quite easily. Managed to calm down and then realised I had the bloody coat on which made me instantly do a poo that went on for ages. Managed to stare both of them in the eye while I squeezed it out too. It's important to share special moments with your family I think.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find more blogs on my website...)

Monday, 23 January 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.I hope my son is teething, otherwise he's just a knobhead.

2. Because it turns out you don't have to be two to begin the Terrible Twos.

3.Spending the whole day inside the house with your kids feels like prison.

4.Although at least in prison they let you have a poo in peace.

5.Sometimes I hide from my kids & they don’t realise I’m not playing a game, I'm just hiding.

6. How anyone conceives for a second time is beyond me. Our first have kicked me in the balls so much I'm pretty sure they're broke.

7.Some nights I have horrible dreams about being a parent in the days before on-demand television.

8.Although nowadays sleep feels like an old hobby I’ve drifted away from.

9. When I buy something new I vividly imagine the noise it'll make when the kids smash it.

10.And despite all the above I wouldn’t change a thing.

I post my parenting blog to my FB page several times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Twitter and Instagram...

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 29)

MONDAY
Pissed on my favourite book today. Saw the dog doing it once and figured it’s the best way to stop other people reading it. Totally worked as Mummy threw it in the bin. Problem solved.

TUESDAY
Cried because my favourite book wasn’t on the shelf. Forgot I pissed on it yesterday. Tried rooting through the bin. Daddy stopped me. Held onto the bin for ages while he tried to pull me away. When that didn’t work he used a friendly, logical, convincing and sensible reason for why I should let go. I held on tighter. Ha! Not gonna fall for that rubbish again.

WEDNESDAY
Went to a party but cried till we left early. Laughed all the way home. Nobody else joined in.

THURSDAY
Big people seemed confused why I was grumpy this morning. I'd like to see what mood you'd be in if you woke up in a puddle of your own piss.

FRIDAY
Had SIX absolute meltdowns today. Two at breakfast, three at lunch and two in the car. Is that seven? Okay, I had SEVEN absolute meltdowns today. Oh and one just before bedtime. So, eight – EIGHT meltdowns. And one in the bath. Crap, that’s nine isn’t it? Or ten if you count when someone stole my crayon in playgroup and I cried so hard I nearly swallowed my own head. Tell you what, let’s call it fifteen to be on the safe side - I had FIFTEEN massive, all-out meltdowns today.

Other than that I was in top form.

SATURDAY
Need to sort my life out. Tried to grab the actual poo from my nappy today. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

SUNDAY
Had a bad dream last night that I was an actual big person. Christ, it was horrible. I had loads to do and no time to do it. And I looked terrible.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find my parent blog on my website...or follow me on Twitter or Instagram.)

Thursday, 12 January 2017

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 28)

MONDAY
Discovered a great new game today called 'Keep Throwing Everything On The Floor Repeatedly For Ages'. (Needs a snappier title but you get the drift.) Big people joined in too. They kept picking everything up so I could keep playing.

TUESDAY
Reprogrammed the washing machine today. Mid-wash. Fuck knows what I did but it’s not working now. Tried to fix it for them but they wouldn’t let me near the thing.

WEDNESDAY
Had a great time ripping up my best books. Totally wrecked three of my favourite ones. Got told off by Mummy. Tried to blame the books. Didn’t work. Felt guilty. Mummy left room. Continued ripping books.

THURSDAY
Had hold of my Peppa Pig doll during a nappy change. Kept me distracted for a while until I grinded her face right into the filth. Big people went nuts and took her away. Really confusing. I thought she liked muddy puddles.

FRIDAY
The food round here is terrible. And the big people are full of shit - they keep saying it's 'lovely' as they tuck into something completely different. Hypocrites.

SATURDAY
Decided to throw my head to the side just as I was carried through a doorway. Hit my head on the frame. Cried for ages. Some of my life choices really are abysmal.

SUNDAY
I wish they’d stop asking me what’s up when I’m crying. You wouldn’t understand, man. It’s a toddler thing. Sort your own problems out.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find my parent blog on this website...follow me on Twitter or Instagram...)

Monday, 9 January 2017

20 Things I Have Learnt as a Parent of Toddler Twins

1.People who say you should 'enjoy every single moment of parenthood' are at best, unrealistic and at worst, morons.

2.It's easy to get to midday and realise you've not stopped since 6am but have achieved a grand total of naff all.

3.I don't care how strong you think you are, nobody is stronger than a baby that doesn't want to get dressed.

4.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a dump.

5.And there’s more chance of visiting Narnia than seeing the bottom of your laundry basket.

6.People without kids who say they're exhausted can kiss my tired, fat bottom.

7.In fact some days your energy levels resemble those of a diabetic sloth that’s cutting out caffeine for Lent.

8.I told my childless friend I'd had an 'amazing lie in till 7.30am' and he wet himself laughing. I was deadly serious.

9.I now time my morning routine by CBeebies theme tunes. If I'm not running the shower by the time Octonauts is starting, I'm screwed.

10.Phase 2 of parenthood is when an episode of a kids show comes on and you think, "Ah blooming heck, I've seen this one."

11.And whoever let Postman Pat fly a plane this week should be shot in the face.

12.I love my kids more than anything in the world.

13.But I’d love them even more if they’d nap properly.

14.Getting your baby to nap is like a game of Snakes and Ladders. One wrong move and you're back to the beginning.

15.When remarking "they've gone down well tonight" it's best to check you've turned the baby monitor on first.

16.Often you’ll panic that there's something seriously wrong with your baby but then realise they're just having a massive poo.

17.Some nappy changes are like Brexit - tonnes of build up, nobody really knows what's going on and a horrible mess to clean up afterwards.

18.Paying £40 a day for nursery when your kid is too ill to go because of a bug they caught at nursery smarts like a kick in the knackers.

19.Parenthood is a crafty beast - the second you master something it changes the game so you're rubbish at it again.

20.When your child laughs the world makes sense.

(I post my regular parenting blogs to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...)

Thursday, 5 January 2017

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 27)

MONDAY
Needed a dump all morning but managed to hold it in till we were leaving the house. They’d just got my coat on and I unleashed hell. Total and utter disruption. It’s great to be so involved in family stuff.

TUESDAY
Really fancied a moan today but couldn’t find anything to whine about. Spent ages looking but everything was incredibly lovely. Thankfully on my way to bed they wouldn’t let me climb in the oven so I whinged about that. Went to sleep feeling very satisfied.

WEDNESDAY
This Daddy character keeps asking me what I’m doing all the time. “What are you doing, mate? What you up to?” I’m a toddler you fucking moron. I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

THURSDAY
A bigger kid at the soft play got right in my face today. He roared dead loud, trying to scare me. It worked, I was terrified. He shouldn’t have even been in the toddler bit as he was about five. My heart was in my mouth and I didn’t know whether to cry or run away but luckily while I was planning my retort a massive burp appeared in my mouth (garlic bread) so I gave it to him with both barrels. He won’t do that again, the odious little turd.

FRIDAY
They’ve got to stop dressing me in these stupid clothes. Last week I was Santa and today I’m an elf. I don’t mind if we’re staying in but they always go the whole hog and then take me outside so everyone can see. It’s humiliating.

SATURDAY
2017 is gonna be a big year for me so I decided to make some New Year’s resolutions:

1. I will make a conscious effort to try new food with an open mind and open mouth.
2. I will finally start talking properly instead of pointing at everything and grunting.
3. I will not poo in the bath unless it’s absolutely necessary.

SUNDAY
Pooed in the bath. It wasn’t necessary. Will start again tomorrow.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find my parent blog on this website...)

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

Things I Learned Podcast Ep. 27 with Rob Rouse

My guest this week is the award-winning comedian and star of the tellybox Rob Rouse. He's been on 8 Out of 10 Cats, Dave's One Night Stand and XFM, plus he's got 2 kids so we had a great chat about what he's learned as a parent.


Listen and subscribe by clicking one of the links below:

iTunesStitcher or Podbean 

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Christmas

1.BEWARE OF FANCY NEW BUBBLE BATH. It looks lovely on the surface but can mask an underwater shite until it's far too late.

2.Your child’s nap time is perfect for postmen to loudly knock on your door with parcels for the entire street.

3.The best thing about having kids is that even a day of cleaning, furniture building and trips to the tip WITHOUT THEM feels like a two week all inclusive holiday.

4.If your child is on the roundabout and you're not pushing, I'm not pushing. Even if my kid has to sit there, completely stationary.

5.Toddlers are either about to fall over, have just fallen over or are in the process of falling over.

6.Nothing will make you feel more like a dad than spending 10 minutes of Christmas Eve swearing in the loft.

7.If you don’t put washing on on Xmas Day the whole system is fucked.

8.If your twins instantly start fighting over a present you know it's a hit.

9.The Quality Street disappeared by Boxing Day because they’re half the size they used to be. And we’re now twice the size.

10.The Cbeebies NYE party was probably like Ibiza 1988 compared to what we did.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I post my parenting blog on my FB page...)

Monday, 2 January 2017

5 New Year's Resolutions for Parents (That you won't keep)



1. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY, NO MATTER WHAT.

You've been up since 5am and planned to go out all day. But now it’s 4.50pm and you're picking dried shit off the carpet in your pyjamas.

Face facts - your house is a time vortex and even Nelson Mandela in the 1980’s got out more than you do.


2. YOU WILL NEVER EAT BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST

This is impossible when you’ve had 53 minutes sleep and your will power and sanity have fucked off in a sports car together like Thelma and Louise.

You’ll be frantically searching for the branflakes but instead the Jaffa Cakes will be there, giving you the eye like the sugary hussies they are.

You’ll move your gaze away towards the fruit but those biscuits have you in their tractor beam, undressing you with their eyes.

Before you know it you’ll be four biscuits deep, crumbs all over the work surface and tears of shame in your eyes.

3. YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY WASH YOUR SHEETS WHEN YOUR CHILD PUKES ON THEM

Baby is playing.
Baby is bouncing.
Baby is smiling.
Baby is puking.
Duvet is ruined.
Parent is tired.
Duvet is dabbed with a wet wipe.
Parent is satisfied that's classed as washing.

4. YOU WILL NOT LET BABY NAP ON THE SOFA

They've had it too good for too long. They need to learn that the sofa is for sitting and the cot is for napping.

Except your favourite programme is on and they're sleeping like a log that just got a new onesie.

You've woken a napping baby before and it was like an out-take from the Exorcist. Sod it. Let sleeping babies lie. 

You can start properly tomorrow.

5. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE WEARING ONLY CLEAN CLOTHES

This is as likely as Adele singing about a happy ending. (Of course by which I don’t mean one of the ‘extras’ in a seedy Soho massage parlour.)

Your criteria for choosing clothes used to be, 'OOH, WHAT WOULD I LOOK NICE IN TODAY?'

After your baby was born it became, ‘OOH, WHAT CLOTHES DON'T HAVE STAINS ON?'

A few months of parenthood down the line it evolved into, ‘OOH, WHAT CLOTHES DON'T HAVE STAINS ON THE CROTCH?'

Let’s be honest, nowadays you open the wardrobe and go, ‘AH FUCK IT. YOU CAN HARDLY SEE THAT PUKE IF I KEEP MY HAND THERE.'

I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. Follow my blog by liking my Facebook page.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

Happy New Year!

As we begin this new year I'd like to send a massive thanks to all of you who've read my blog, liked or shared anything I wrote in 2016. I'm continually amazed at the amount of you out there that enjoy my blatherings and I really appreciate your support.

Wishing you and your families a very happy & healthy 2017.

Sam x