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Thursday, 5 January 2017

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 27)

MONDAY
Needed a dump all morning but managed to hold it in till we were leaving the house. They’d just got my coat on and I unleashed hell. Total and utter disruption. It’s great to be so involved in family stuff.

TUESDAY
Really fancied a moan today but couldn’t find anything to whine about. Spent ages looking but everything was incredibly lovely. Thankfully on my way to bed they wouldn’t let me climb in the oven so I whinged about that. Went to sleep feeling very satisfied.

WEDNESDAY
This Daddy character keeps asking me what I’m doing all the time. “What are you doing, mate? What you up to?” I’m a toddler you fucking moron. I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

THURSDAY
A bigger kid at the soft play got right in my face today. He roared dead loud, trying to scare me. It worked, I was terrified. He shouldn’t have even been in the toddler bit as he was about five. My heart was in my mouth and I didn’t know whether to cry or run away but luckily while I was planning my retort a massive burp appeared in my mouth (garlic bread) so I gave it to him with both barrels. He won’t do that again, the odious little turd.

FRIDAY
They’ve got to stop dressing me in these stupid clothes. Last week I was Santa and today I’m an elf. I don’t mind if we’re staying in but they always go the whole hog and then take me outside so everyone can see. It’s humiliating.

SATURDAY
2017 is gonna be a big year for me so I decided to make some New Year’s resolutions:

1. I will make a conscious effort to try new food with an open mind and open mouth.
2. I will finally start talking properly instead of pointing at everything and grunting.
3. I will not poo in the bath unless it’s absolutely necessary.

SUNDAY
Pooed in the bath. It wasn’t necessary. Will start again tomorrow.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find my parent blog on this website...)

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