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Wednesday, 18 January 2017

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 29)

MONDAY
Pissed on my favourite book today. Saw the dog doing it once and figured it’s the best way to stop other people reading it. Totally worked as Mummy threw it in the bin. Problem solved.

TUESDAY
Cried because my favourite book wasn’t on the shelf. Forgot I pissed on it yesterday. Tried rooting through the bin. Daddy stopped me. Held onto the bin for ages while he tried to pull me away. When that didn’t work he used a friendly, logical, convincing and sensible reason for why I should let go. I held on tighter. Ha! Not gonna fall for that rubbish again.

WEDNESDAY
Went to a party but cried till we left early. Laughed all the way home. Nobody else joined in.

THURSDAY
Big people seemed confused why I was grumpy this morning. I'd like to see what mood you'd be in if you woke up in a puddle of your own piss.

FRIDAY
Had SIX absolute meltdowns today. Two at breakfast, three at lunch and two in the car. Is that seven? Okay, I had SEVEN absolute meltdowns today. Oh and one just before bedtime. So, eight – EIGHT meltdowns. And one in the bath. Crap, that’s nine isn’t it? Or ten if you count when someone stole my crayon in playgroup and I cried so hard I nearly swallowed my own head. Tell you what, let’s call it fifteen to be on the safe side - I had FIFTEEN massive, all-out meltdowns today.

Other than that I was in top form.

SATURDAY
Need to sort my life out. Tried to grab the actual poo from my nappy today. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

SUNDAY
Had a bad dream last night that I was an actual big person. Christ, it was horrible. I had loads to do and no time to do it. And I looked terrible.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins and you can find my parent blog on my website...or follow me on Twitter or Instagram.)

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