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Monday, 20 February 2017

The Secret Diary of a 22 Month Old (Part 33)

MONDAY
Big People kept checking my nappy all morning. Then when I finally did a poo they found it disgusting. Why the big surprise? It’s a nappy for God’s sake. What else are you hoping to find in there? A cash prize?

TUESDAY
A new girl started at nursery today. She makes me feel funny. Like when I blow raspberries for too long and can’t see straight. We span round together for ages and got dizzy and then she fell over and cried a bit but it was okay because I didn’t. Then we sat near the coats and picked each other’s noses. Everyone else in our room is so immature compared to us.

WEDNESDAY
Sat by the coats again with the new girl. I wish she’d come and live with us. We could play all the time and probably get rid of the dog. Maybe they can swap? I’d have to check with the dog first but he’s normally pretty chilled. (Once I slammed his tail inside the fridge door and he hardly ever mentions it.) We were making that noise where you move your finger up and down your bottom lip and go bwah-bwah-bwah and I put my finger in her mouth and it felt funny and it tickled and I wondered if we should get married and then HOLY FUCKING GREENDALE SHE BIT MY FUCKING FINGER! I didn’t scream at first because couldn’t believe what was happening to be honest but then I started to cry and she bloody smiled and bit me even harder! The staff got involved at that point and it got quite messy. I said a few things I regret now but what a nasty piece of work she turned out to be. The last time I was betrayed like this was that time I woke up and Daddy told me it was still night time when it was actually 4.30am which is technically morning and not night time in any way. I will NEVER play with that new girl ever again.

THURSDAY
Played with the new girl all day. She’s so lovely. She tried to bite my finger again but I think she means well. Maybe my fingers just taste really nice.

FRIDAY
I've decided to stop laughing from now on. Whatever I laugh at just gets repeated and repeated by the Big People until it's ruined and not funny at all about 5 minutes later. It’s a shame and I'll miss it but this has to be done.

SATURDAY
So let me get this straight – I can throw balls but not toys, I can bite food but not people, I can slap hands but not faces and I’m not allowed to shit in the dishwasher? This world is so confusing.

SUNDAY
Managed to get stuck between the sofa and the wall today while trying to grab a dummy. Tried to move back. Couldn't do it. Cried. Lay my head in my own snot and tears and gave up. Help arrived. They removed me. Tried again two minutes later. Failed again. Cried more. Help arrived again. Gave up. Felt embarrassed.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, blogger and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram)

Saturday, 11 February 2017

The Secret Diary of a 22 Month Old (Part 32)

MONDAY
Went to the zoo today. All the animals looked pretty pissed off apart from this one pigeon we saw in the car park, although to be fair I think she comes and goes when she wants. Best bit was when the gorilla did a massive dump in his hand and threw it at everyone. Big People freaked out. I made a mental note for next time they put me in the play pen.

TUESDAY
I’m sick of everyone assuming that just because someone is a similar age to me that we’ll instantly be best mates. Sometimes we have literally nothing in common. What are we supposed to bond over? The fact we can’t control our bowel movements? Maybe we’ll hit it off with a thrilling conversation about which fashionable brand of nappies we’re sporting this season or better still, exchange dietary tips? Do me a favour.

WEDNESDAY
Can't be sure but think one of the Big People did a trump today and blamed it on me. I know I'm quite new here but that doesn't seem fair. Gonna fill my nappy tomorrow and blame them.

THURSDAY
Got some new books but for me, there’s nothing more relaxing than sitting down with a book I’m really familiar with. I must have read that one about the farm a million times and despite the fact there’s no real story, character development or a satisfying conclusion, it really moves me. Plus it’s fun to hear the Big People try to inject some false enthusiasm into their voice when I demand we read it again.

FRIDAY
Getting sick of complete strangers squeezing my cheeks. Here’s an idea – if I don’t know you, don’t touch my face. How does that sound?

SATURDAY
Learned a new noise today. Cross between a cough and a scream. Did it all day. Forgot to nap. Big People weren’t impressed. Made the noise at them. They seemed even less impressed.

SUNDAY
Cried in the night so ended up in the Big People’s bed. It was so much fun – I clawed at both their faces, head-butted Mummy twice and kicked Daddy square in the bollocks. We were all having a great time together so to say I was disappointed when they put me back in my own cot is a massive understatement.

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Monday, 6 February 2017

The Secret Diary of a 22 Month Old (Part 31)

MONDAY
Was super excited to get in the car to go to the park. I love the park. It’s probably my favourite place in the world after the cupboard in the kitchen where they keep the pans. Was so giddy when they tried to put my coat on. Couldn’t stop running up and down the house getting ready for the park. Giggled like mad when they put my shoes on just thinking about all the great things we were going to do at the park.

Was busy planning what I was going to do at the park and in what order when I noticed that we swung a left at the main road meaning WE WEREN’T GOING TO THE PARK, WE WERE GOING TO THE FUCKING SUPERMARKET! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Decided I had to make a stand so kicked my legs for ages (bicycle motion first, then freestyle) so they couldn’t get me in the trolley seat. Then when they finally did I spent the whole time round grabbing random stuff and putting it in the trolley. Despite the fact they saw this act of defiance as “cute”, they ended up accidentally paying for a lettuce that they didn’t even want. So who’s laughing now, Big People?

TUESDAY
Saw Nanna today. It’s amazing to think she lives inside that iPad.

WEDNESDAY
Was singing as I went to bed tonight. Heard my own voice coming back from the speaker on the baby monitor. Is that how I sound to everyone else? Jesus.

THURSDAY
Actually went to the park today. Managed to keep a lid on things in the car in case it was all just a ruse to return the lettuce to the supermarket. Proper lost my mind as we pulled up. Ran down to the roundabout a bit too fast, instantly slipped and twatted my head on the metal bar. Unfortunately that set the tone for what was ultimately a disappointing day out – I got a wet arse from the slide, there was a big queue for the swings and I slipped on dog shit near that rusty little spinny thing that nobody uses.

FRIDAY
Started dancing in the living room today when the phone rang. All the Big People joined in. It was quite the scene for a moment but then I got quite angry. Just let me have my moment.

SATURDAY
Had one of my toys confiscated because I was using it to drink bath water. If the food was half decent round here I wouldn’t be reduced to such drastic measures.

SUNDAY
Woke up crying because I’d leaked. Big Person tried to comfort me. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Big Person put the pretty lights on. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Big Person sang lullabies. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Leak reached their hand. Big Person changed me. Went back to sleep. Big Person is stupid.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...