'Hilarious' DAILY MAIL 'Very entertaining' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Monday, 6 February 2017

The Secret Diary of a 22 Month Old (Part 31)

MONDAY
Was super excited to get in the car to go to the park. I love the park. It’s probably my favourite place in the world after the cupboard in the kitchen where they keep the pans. Was so giddy when they tried to put my coat on. Couldn’t stop running up and down the house getting ready for the park. Giggled like mad when they put my shoes on just thinking about all the great things we were going to do at the park.

Was busy planning what I was going to do at the park and in what order when I noticed that we swung a left at the main road meaning WE WEREN’T GOING TO THE PARK, WE WERE GOING TO THE FUCKING SUPERMARKET! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Decided I had to make a stand so kicked my legs for ages (bicycle motion first, then freestyle) so they couldn’t get me in the trolley seat. Then when they finally did I spent the whole time round grabbing random stuff and putting it in the trolley. Despite the fact they saw this act of defiance as “cute”, they ended up accidentally paying for a lettuce that they didn’t even want. So who’s laughing now, Big People?

TUESDAY
Saw Nanna today. It’s amazing to think she lives inside that iPad.

WEDNESDAY
Was singing as I went to bed tonight. Heard my own voice coming back from the speaker on the baby monitor. Is that how I sound to everyone else? Jesus.

THURSDAY
Actually went to the park today. Managed to keep a lid on things in the car in case it was all just a ruse to return the lettuce to the supermarket. Proper lost my mind as we pulled up. Ran down to the roundabout a bit too fast, instantly slipped and twatted my head on the metal bar. Unfortunately that set the tone for what was ultimately a disappointing day out – I got a wet arse from the slide, there was a big queue for the swings and I slipped on dog shit near that rusty little spinny thing that nobody uses.

FRIDAY
Started dancing in the living room today when the phone rang. All the Big People joined in. It was quite the scene for a moment but then I got quite angry. Just let me have my moment.

SATURDAY
Had one of my toys confiscated because I was using it to drink bath water. If the food was half decent round here I wouldn’t be reduced to such drastic measures.

SUNDAY
Woke up crying because I’d leaked. Big Person tried to comfort me. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Big Person put the pretty lights on. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Big Person sang lullabies. Didn’t work because I’d leaked. Leak reached their hand. Big Person changed me. Went back to sleep. Big Person is stupid.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...

4 comments:

Rhyming With Wine said...

Genuinely snorted my tea at the head / bar incident. Brilliant!

Rhyming With Wine said...

Genuinely snorted my tea at the head / bar incident. Brilliant!

yoy You said...


In 2016, Forbes ranked Rolex Air King moved its watch manufacturing operations to Geneva. Original Rolex Watches is 64th most powerful brands in the world.It produces about 2,000 1:1 Replica Breitling Watches per day.James Bond is among the most popular carrier of Omega Watches Replica. He has worn Replica Tag Heuer in his films since 1995.Last week, we saw the Italian luxury brand Louis Vuitton Handbags?has annual sales of over 10 billion euros.

Caroline webb said...

I have something to share with you!!! There is a great joy in my heart
which I want to share with everyone. My name is Caroline Webb from United
States. I had a misunderstanding with my lover last year which led us to
break up and he never wanted to hear my voice again. He saw a beautiful
woman which he find more prettier than me, but as time went on I met god Dr lucky He is a great spell caster. I contacted him through his email and
explained everything to him. He said that I shouldn't worry, that my lover
will come back to me on his knees begging for forgiveness before 24
hours.My greatest joy now is that he actually came back to me and fell on
his knees begging for forgiveness, and today we are happy and he also cured
my Sister's breast cancer. Do you have any problem? worry no more because
Dr lucky can provide lasting spell solution to any problems:email him Dr luckysolutiontemple@gmail.com or call him +23480139792383 or add him on whats- app +23480139792383

If you want your ex back.

You want to be promoted in your office.

If you want to be cured of HIV, Cancers and other diseases.

You want to be rich.

You want your husband/wife to be yours forever.

If you need financial assistance.