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Monday, 20 February 2017

The Secret Diary of a 22 Month Old (Part 33)

MONDAY
Big People kept checking my nappy all morning. Then when I finally did a poo they found it disgusting. Why the big surprise? It’s a nappy for God’s sake. What else are you hoping to find in there? A cash prize?

TUESDAY
A new girl started at nursery today. She makes me feel funny. Like when I blow raspberries for too long and can’t see straight. We span round together for ages and got dizzy and then she fell over and cried a bit but it was okay because I didn’t. Then we sat near the coats and picked each other’s noses. Everyone else in our room is so immature compared to us.

WEDNESDAY
Sat by the coats again with the new girl. I wish she’d come and live with us. We could play all the time and probably get rid of the dog. Maybe they can swap? I’d have to check with the dog first but he’s normally pretty chilled. (Once I slammed his tail inside the fridge door and he hardly ever mentions it.) We were making that noise where you move your finger up and down your bottom lip and go bwah-bwah-bwah and I put my finger in her mouth and it felt funny and it tickled and I wondered if we should get married and then HOLY FUCKING GREENDALE SHE BIT MY FUCKING FINGER! I didn’t scream at first because couldn’t believe what was happening to be honest but then I started to cry and she bloody smiled and bit me even harder! The staff got involved at that point and it got quite messy. I said a few things I regret now but what a nasty piece of work she turned out to be. The last time I was betrayed like this was that time I woke up and Daddy told me it was still night time when it was actually 4.30am which is technically morning and not night time in any way. I will NEVER play with that new girl ever again.

THURSDAY
Played with the new girl all day. She’s so lovely. She tried to bite my finger again but I think she means well. Maybe my fingers just taste really nice.

FRIDAY
I've decided to stop laughing from now on. Whatever I laugh at just gets repeated and repeated by the Big People until it's ruined and not funny at all about 5 minutes later. It’s a shame and I'll miss it but this has to be done.

SATURDAY
So let me get this straight – I can throw balls but not toys, I can bite food but not people, I can slap hands but not faces and I’m not allowed to shit in the dishwasher? This world is so confusing.

SUNDAY
Managed to get stuck between the sofa and the wall today while trying to grab a dummy. Tried to move back. Couldn't do it. Cried. Lay my head in my own snot and tears and gave up. Help arrived. They removed me. Tried again two minutes later. Failed again. Cried more. Help arrived again. Gave up. Felt embarrassed.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, blogger and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram)

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