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Friday, 31 March 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 37)

MONDAY
Got given a meal that didn’t just look horrible, it downright offended me. I mean, I didn’t even know what it was but the second they put the plate down in front of me, I could just tell it was minging. Decided to bypass the usual gradual acceleration from whimpering-to-crying-to-screaming and just went straight in at end-of-fucking-days yelling and screeching. THEN those fuckers tried to sneak a bit into my mouth, right in the middle of my existential meltdown. Pricks. (I needed empathy at that point, not mashed potato.) Spent twenty minutes refusing to co-operate and trying to escape my high chair until they eventually ignored me for a bit and I ate the whole plate. Bloody lovely it was. Bit cold though.

TUESDAY
The Big People are always like, ‘Why are you awake so early?’ Check inside my nappy, Sherlock – that’ll help you crack the puzzle. You try sleeping when your buttocks are drowning in their own filth.

WEDNESDAY
Had some Calpol today. That stuff is magic. I went from hating the world to thinking everything was amazing. Must be what I’ve seen the Big People drink on Friday nights.

THURSDAY
Gonna be two soon. Can’t believe it really. Still don’t have a career plan in place although I think I’d probably like to grow up to be a horse.

FRIDAY
Went to the park but they dressed me in these really bad trousers that didn’t slide on the slide. And I’ve got my street cred to consider – all the other kids know me as an intrepid daredevil but these pants slowed me right up so I dripped halfway down, then got stuck and had to bum shuffle my way to the bottom. Humiliated.

SATURDAY
It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m totally clueless in almost every area of life. Today I lay down on the floor and rubbed my face across the gravel. ON PURPOSE! It stung like fuck, obviously. What is wrong with me?

SUNDAY
Those big fools left the babygate open this morning so I was straight up the stairs. It was exhilarating. My plan was to get to the top so I throw myself down again but they caught me halfway up. Bastards. It’s my own fault for giggling the whole time.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...

Wednesday, 22 March 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 36)

MONDAY
It really boils my piss when the Big People laugh at my tantrums. I know to them it probably appears that I’m just losing my shit at every possible opportunity but they must understand, different things matter to me. I’m not an adult. I don’t have a career or a mortgage. My teeth are killing and my only proper friends are my relatives so when you sing the wrong verse to Old McDonald it totally feels like the end of the world to me.

TUESDAY
Watched a brilliant video on Mummy’s phone of some kids dancing into their Daddy’s room when he was having a meeting. If my Daddy ever has a conversation anywhere near that important I’m definitely going to do the same. Those kids are an inspiration.

WEDNESDAY
Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across the busy road so I could dive in the lake. It’s perfectly safe. I saw a little dog in the same position who looked equally pissed off. We shared a moment but then he licked my head and I started crying.

THURSDAY
Discovered the word ‘no’ today. (Also known as NO! or noooooOOOOO!) Total game changer. Maybe I’m late to the party but it’s so flexible. You can literally apply it to any situation and it totally works, even when you actually mean yes. I love it that much I even woke up in the middle of the night randomly shouting it for absolutely no reason.

FRIDAY
Big People keep telling me to be careful all the time. ‘Be careful near that table!’ ‘Be careful with that spoon!’ I’M A TODDLER. I AM BEING CAREFUL. It just so happens that I don’t actually give a fuck.

SATURDAY
Went to a disco with a bunch of other kneehighs. A six foot tall, spotty squirrel was DJing and then hugging everyone. I stayed the frig away from that thing. To be honest, I’m not even sure it was a real squirrel. She was wearing trainers.

SUNDAY
Chicken Pox. Must have caught it off that squirrel. Bastard.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...

Monday, 20 March 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 35)

MONDAY
I think I’ve grown into a very generous person. I just love sharing stuff with other people. As long as I get it back straight away, I’ll share with absolutely anyone. Also, everyone else needs to share whatever they have with me at all times, otherwise I get very angry. And I’m not giving that stuff back. No chance. Never. Don’t even ask. I won’t.

TUESDAY
I’m sure there used to be stuff on the bottom shelf of the bookcase. That place is empty now. God knows why. Used to love throwing that stuff everywhere.

WEDNESDAY
My world has crumbled – I lost my teddy bear today. Worse than that, the Big People thought it was perfectly acceptable to give me a brand new replacement and consider the matter closed. WTF? I don’t think they grasp the concept that a good sleeping teddy can’t just be purchased from a shop. It has to tick several important boxes.

Firstly, the appearance. It needs to have some serious miles on the clock. Take a look at a brand new teddy. Now, imagine that box-fresh, innocent teddy bear has been squatting in a crack-den for seven months straight and you’re getting close to how it should look. Ideally it’ll also be covered in stains of all shapes and sizes from the three major sources. These must be of assorted vintage – some still damp and others matured to a pleasant crust. The scent should evoke a peculiar blend of revulsion and comfort and it ABSOLUTELY must have an appendage of some kind that can be jammed into one’s nose. (I cannot stress the last bit enough.)

This new one had none of the above. We had no connection. I cried all night and decided I’d never sleep again until in the end I shut my eyes and had a cracking ten hours.

THURSDAY
Need to sort my life out - tried to grab the actual poo from my nappy today. What the fuck is wrong with me?

FRIDAY
Bet myself that I could walk the entire length of the kitchen with my eyes shut. Walked into the oven instantly, fell over and bit my lip. The pain was terrible but to be honest, it was more embarrassing than anything. Will try again tomorrow.

SATURDAY
The Big People spent AGES making my food today. Refused to taste it on principal. They must learn.

SUNDAY
Slipped on a noisy book today and really hurt myself. Lay in a heap on the floor crying and the bastard thing was trash-talking me. Totally humiliated. Waited till later on and then ripped the gobby thing to pieces. It was still talking as I dismantled it piece by piece. Probably begging for mercy. Knobhead.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...You can also find me on Instagram...

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 34)

MONDAY
Listen, Big People - if I won’t eat certain food with my hands, I’m not going to eat it just because you stick it on a fork am I? IT’S THE SAME FOOD, DICKHEADS! Just because I can’t control my arse yet doesn’t mean I’m a total bellend. And sometimes I throw food ON THE FLOOR because I want to eat it ON THE FLOOR.

TUESDAY
Today was brilliant – cried all afternoon and refused to nap. Then did a wee in my cot that a racehorse would be proud of, causing a complete sheet change. Can’t wait for tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY
The Big People really fuck me off when they sing Wheels on the Bus in the wrong order you know. It’s a kids song, not Pulp Fiction – you can’t just mess with the narrative and expect it to still be entertaining.

THURSDAY
Pissed on my own face today. It’s been a while. Forgot how refreshing it was. The Big People should try it when they’re tired.

FRIDAY
Discovered something today called ‘YouTube’. Oh. My. God. Sugar for the eyes! Felt like I’d jammed my head into a bucket of cheap sweets. Spent ages just gazing at the bright colours and losing myself in the repetitive, mindless soundtrack until I felt at one with the video. (Think it was about a bus.) I could actually FEEL my brain rotting as I sat there staring at the screen. Bliss.

SATURDAY
I’ve started leaving the room when I do a poo. I’m still not ready for that ghastly looking potty-thing, but I do enjoy a tiny bit of privacy when I’m squeezing one out these days. So it’s quite distracting when the Big People follow me into the kitchen and continually ask, ‘Are you doing a poo?’ Don’t be silly - I’m doing a particularly tricky yoga pose that’s causing me to grind my teeth like a rabid dog and make the room stink like an outside bin - OF COURSE I’M DOING A POO! How would they like it if I kept interrupting them all the time?

SUNDAY
Listen, Daddy. I know where my nose is so you should frigging well know where yours is – stop asking me all the time. It’s fucking embarrassing. Look at the end of your face you gormless prick.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...)