'Hilarious' DAILY MAIL 'Very entertaining' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Wednesday, 22 March 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 36)

MONDAY
It really boils my piss when the Big People laugh at my tantrums. I know to them it probably appears that I’m just losing my shit at every possible opportunity but they must understand, different things matter to me. I’m not an adult. I don’t have a career or a mortgage. My teeth are killing and my only proper friends are my relatives so when you sing the wrong verse to Old McDonald it totally feels like the end of the world to me.

TUESDAY
Watched a brilliant video on Mummy’s phone of some kids dancing into their Daddy’s room when he was having a meeting. If my Daddy ever has a conversation anywhere near that important I’m definitely going to do the same. Those kids are an inspiration.

WEDNESDAY
Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across the busy road so I could dive in the lake. It’s perfectly safe. I saw a little dog in the same position who looked equally pissed off. We shared a moment but then he licked my head and I started crying.

THURSDAY
Discovered the word ‘no’ today. (Also known as NO! or noooooOOOOO!) Total game changer. Maybe I’m late to the party but it’s so flexible. You can literally apply it to any situation and it totally works, even when you actually mean yes. I love it that much I even woke up in the middle of the night randomly shouting it for absolutely no reason.

FRIDAY
Big People keep telling me to be careful all the time. ‘Be careful near that table!’ ‘Be careful with that spoon!’ I’M A TODDLER. I AM BEING CAREFUL. It just so happens that I don’t actually give a fuck.

SATURDAY
Went to a disco with a bunch of other kneehighs. A six foot tall, spotty squirrel was DJing and then hugging everyone. I stayed the frig away from that thing. To be honest, I’m not even sure it was a real squirrel. She was wearing trainers.

SUNDAY
Chicken Pox. Must have caught it off that squirrel. Bastard.

I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...

19 comments:

Xiang Nan said...



Hermes Handbags president for her specially designed a handbag, and to her name to name, this is the Replica Handbags,Your help in find out this in Breitling Wattches is very much appreciated. If you could send me more pictures of Rolex Daytona, I could see Rolex Watches Online that it is a nice band of watches that would be great.

?

Brandy Lehmann said...

You shoud view here lots of interesting articles on the topics close to this thematic.

Anonymous said...

Most often the bag itself is made from a natural fiber or material. Silk satins and velvets are popular choices as are cotton fabrics. Lightweight to moderate leathers can be used for heavier pouches and large replica handbags as well. These can be machine or hand-sewn depending on your equipment, time and skill. Remnant bins at fabric stores or the leather scrap barrel at the craft store is a great place to find a new medicine bag. Or you can find something pre-made.f the medicine bag is larger, like the size of a purse, they can be repositories of bigger items that hold personal power for you or some of your magickal tools.more information at:http://www.cheapsbags.co.uk/category/chanel-replica/.A magic pouch might protect a deck of tarot cards when they aren't being used, or you might assemble a special one that you can wear if you were doing magickal work for manifesting or for healing work.

Jessica Stephen said...

Hey guys, I'm so excited of getting my husband back after he left me and our 3 kids for another woman.
After 2 years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before,All thanks to Dr Unity. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr Unity real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,
you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348071622464 ,
his website:http://unityspelltemple.yolasite.com ,
Jessica, 26 years, Texas, USA .

Anass Paris said...

I'm so excited. I cant believe it! Dr.BEN your love spell casting really worked! My ex-husband is back after he left me and the kids, he sent me an SMS last night, wanting us to get back together again...and here we are! Yes, I’m extremely happy that we are living together again.
My name is Anass Paris from England, My husband and I have been married for about 6yrs now. We were happily married with two kids, a boy and a girl. 3 months ago, I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone else. He started coming home late from work, he hardly care about me or the kids anymore, Sometimes he goes out and doesn't even come back home for about 2-3 days. I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the internet one day, I came across a website that suggested Dr.BEN can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a spell for me. 28 hours later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my family are living together happily again. Dr.BEN is the best online spell caster that is powerful and genuine. If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you.
Here’s his contact: Email him at: benherbaltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on whats-app: +1(310)-220-0075. His website: http://benherbaltemple.webs.com .

Rosie Klein said...

LOVE SPELL CASTER (DR.OZIL) THAT HELPED ME BRING BACK MY DIVORCE HUSBAND VIEW WEBSITE: http://drozilsolutionhome.webs.com/ CONTACT HIM NOW FOR ANY KIND OF HELP

With so much in my heart i am here to express myself on how Dr. Ozil saved my marriage from divorce. Myself and my husband were having some misunderstanding and it was tearing our marriage apart to the extend my husband was seeking for a divorce. So i have no option than to go to the internet to seek for solution to my problem it was there i came across Dr. Ozil details and about how he has helped a lot of people by restoring there relationship. I contact Dr. Ozil and in less than 48 hours my husband cancelled the divorce papers. Now myself and my husband live together in peace and harmony all thanks to Dr. Ozil for saving my marriage from breaking up. Dr. Ozil contact information are via email: drozilsolutionhome@yahoo.com or drozilsolutionhome@outlook.com call his phone number: +2348161897826 or view and contact him on his website: http://drozilsolutionhome.webs.com/

rose said...

I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster when i went to Africa to Execute some business..He is really powerful..My husband divorce me with no reason for almost 4 years and i tried all i could to have him back cos i really love him so much but all my effort did not work out.. we met at our early ageat the college and we both have feelings for each other and we got married happily for 5 years with no kid and he woke up one morning and he told me he’s going on a divorce..i thought it was a joke and when he came back from work he tender to me a divorce letter and he packed all him loads from my house..i ran mad and i tried all i could to have him back but all did not work out..i was lonely for almost 4 years…So when i told the spell caster what happened he said he will help me and he asked for him full name and him picture..i gave him that..At first i was skeptical but i gave it a try cos have tried so many spell casters and there is no solution…so when he finished with the readings,he got back to me that he’s with a woman and that woman i the reason why he left me…The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring him back.but i never believe all this…he told me i will see a positive result within 3 days..3 days later,he called me himself and came to me apologizing and he told me he will come back to me..I cant believe this,it was like a dream cos i never believe this will work out after trying many spell casters and there is no solution..The spell caster is so powerful and after that he helped me with a pregnancy spell and i got pregnant a month later..we are now happy been together again and with lovely kid..This spell caster has really changed my life and i will forever thankful to him..he has helped many of my friends too with similar problem too and they are happy and thankful to him..This man is indeed the most powerful spell caster have ever experienced in life..Am Posting this to the Forum in case there is anyone who has similar problem and still looking for a way out..you can reach him here: drosabuluspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT THIS POWERFUL SPELL CASTER TODAY VIA EMAIL: drosabuluspellhome@gmail.com

Janet Amah said...

This write up is a testimony of a spell caster i met while searching for spell casters who would help me get my ex Husband back to me and i am very happy to say that my ex Husband is back to me and is presently my husband. My name is Janet Rothschild and i am currently married to Jude Rothschild. Jude my Husband and we loved each other so much but my parents was against us seeing each other. We had a misunderstanding which was caused by family feud and we broke up but my love for him didn't leave me because he was my first love. I then contacted Doctor BEN to please help me get him back. I am happy today that my ex Husband is now with me. This is all thanks to Doctor BEN and i want all of you who needs help to seek help from this spell caster and your problem would be solved. Contact his email for help at voodoospelltemple80@gmail.com voodoospelltemple80@yahoo.com or call him on +2348133364240

Thank you for reading my message.

BEST REGARD




This write up is a testimony of a spell caster i met while searching for spell casters who would help me get my ex Husband back to me and i am very happy to say that my ex Husband is back to me and is presently my husband. My name is Janet Rothschild and i am currently married to Jude Rothschild. Jude my Husband and we loved each other so much but my parents was against us seeing each other. We had a misunderstanding which was caused by family feud and we broke up but my love for him didn't leave me because he was my first love. I then contacted Doctor BEN to please help me get him back. I am happy today that my ex Husband is now with me. This is all thanks to Doctor BEN and i want all of you who needs help to seek help from this spell caster and your problem would be solved. Contact his email for help at voodoospelltemple80@gmail.com voodoospelltemple80@yahoo.com or call him on +2348133364240

Thank you for reading my message.

BEST REGARD

Anass Paris said...

I'm so excited. I cant believe it! Dr.BEN your love spell casting really worked! My ex-husband is back after he left me and the kids, he sent me an SMS last night, wanting us to get back together again...and here we are! Yes, I’m extremely happy that we are living together again.
My name is Anass Paris from England, My husband and I have been married for about 6yrs now. We were happily married with two kids, a boy and a girl. 3 months ago, I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone else. He started coming home late from work, he hardly care about me or the kids anymore, Sometimes he goes out and doesn't even come back home for about 2-3 days. I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the internet one day, I came across a website that suggested Dr.BEN can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a spell for me. 28 hours later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my family are living together happily again. Dr.BEN is the best online spell caster that is powerful and genuine. If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you.
Here’s his contact: Email him at: benherbaltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on whats-app: +1(310)-220-0075. His website: http://benherbaltemple.webs.com .






I'm so excited. I cant believe it! Dr.BEN your love spell casting really worked! My ex-husband is back after he left me and the kids, he sent me an SMS last night, wanting us to get back together again...and here we are! Yes, I’m extremely happy that we are living together again.
My name is Anass Paris from England, My husband and I have been married for about 6yrs now. We were happily married with two kids, a boy and a girl. 3 months ago, I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone else. He started coming home late from work, he hardly care about me or the kids anymore, Sometimes he goes out and doesn't even come back home for about 2-3 days. I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the internet one day, I came across a website that suggested Dr.BEN can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a spell for me. 28 hours later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my family are living together happily again. Dr.BEN is the best online spell caster that is powerful and genuine. If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you.
Here’s his contact: Email him at: benherbaltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on whats-app: +1(310)-220-0075. His website: http://benherbaltemple.webs.com .

Caroline webb said...

I have something to share with you!!! There is a great joy in my heart
which I want to share with everyone. My name is Caroline Webb from United
States. I had a misunderstanding with my lover last year which led us to
break up and he never wanted to hear my voice again. He saw a beautiful
woman which he find more prettier than me, but as time went on I met god Dr lucky He is a great spell caster. I contacted him through his email and
explained everything to him. He said that I shouldn't worry, that my lover
will come back to me on his knees begging for forgiveness before 24
hours.My greatest joy now is that he actually came back to me and fell on
his knees begging for forgiveness, and today we are happy and he also cured
my Sister's breast cancer. Do you have any problem? worry no more because
Dr lucky can provide lasting spell solution to any problems:email him Dr luckysolutiontemple@gmail.com or call him +23480139792383 or add him on whats- app +23480139792383

If you want your ex back.

You want to be promoted in your office.

If you want to be cured of HIV, Cancers and other diseases.

You want to be rich.

You want your husband/wife to be yours forever.

If you need financial assistance.

Dwunica Julia said...

my name is Dwunica Julia. my life is full of joy because Dr OTOIDE asked me to be happy What happened to me is not what i can keep only to myself but to also tell the world so that those that were once like me will get there love ones back and been happy once again. I and my lover had some issues which leads to our break up since after then my life has never been the same i tried all method to get Him back but they were just waste of effort and waste of time. But one day during my search on the Internet i came across someone testimony about Dr OTOIDE helped him to get his lover back so i contacted His email:drotoidesolutiontemple@gmail.com and to my greatest surprise Dr OTOIDE was able to bring back my lover within 23hours. With the great thing that happened in my life i decided to tell the whole world about this great man called Dr OTOIDE. For those in need of anything he told me that in his temple there is know impossibility now i believe him so much friends if you need help kindly contact him via email:mail:drotoidesolutiontemple@gmail.com or call him through his mobile number:+2347089081873 or contact him directly through his website:https://drotoidesolutionte.wixsite.com/dr-otoide

Anonymous said...

Hello everyone, a very big thanks to Dr. Nogema for reuniting my husband and i. I thought it was not possible, me and my husband now are the most happiest couples on earth. Contact him today if having similar problems or any other problems, nogemaspelltemple@gmail.com, that is his email address.

Unknown said...

HOW TO GET YOUR EX BACK WITHOUT PANIC
I am Michelle from San Francisco. i want to testify about powerful Dr keke Odin for saving my relationship.I must be one of the few who don’t have a trouble showing and telling someone how grateful I am for making my relationship a melodious and smooth relationship. I have been trying to be more positive about my relationship with my boyfriend, it seems like it has taken forever. Another lady took my Fiancee away from me and they both relocated. i cried and searched for him to come back but he refused to take my calls nor return my messages. My friend introduced me to a powerful spell caster called Dr Keke Odin who helped me cast a very powerful love spell that brought back my Fiancee in 24 hours. i was amazed and surprised when my fiancee called to beg me for forgiveness all because of the powerful love spell of Dr Keke Odin. dont fail to Contact Dr Keke through the following means if you have any Marrital or Relationship problem. his contact information are

Email: greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com

Mobile Number: +1 386-336-9876

website: http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

CHERRY SHANE said...

Hi My name is 'CHERRY SHANE' just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my husband back and saved my marriage... I was married for 7 years with 2 kids we lived happily until things started getting ugly, a point where he filed for divorce... I tried my best to make her change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him so much didn't want to loose him but everything just didn't work out... he moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce... I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out... I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice... He did special prayers and cast a return back spell on him... Within 7 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news... Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it... You can email him via eromosalespelltemple@gmail.com website http://eromosalspiritualtemple.webs.com or call him with +2348161850195..

Dwan Scott said...

Hey guys, get your ex back fast with the help of a real and genuine spell caster called (Dr.OBILUJESU). email him @ drobilujesuspellcaster@yahoo.com

I'm so excited my broken Marriage has been restored and my Wife is back after a breakup, After 2 years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until she finally left me and moved to California to be with another man. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their mother again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my Wife. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr OBILUJESU can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my Wife really called me and told me that she miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for her mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before,All thanks to Dr OBILUJESU. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr. OBILUJESU real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband/wife moved to another woman/man, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Email him at: drobilujesuspellcaster@gmail.com or drobilujesuspellcaster@yahoo.com , VIA: webs;; http://drobilujesuspellcaster.webs.com/
you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348143481000 ,
Dwan Scott, 34 years, Texas, USA..








Hey guys, get your ex back fast with the help of a real and genuine spell caster called (Dr.OBILUJESU). email him @ drobilujesuspellcaster@yahoo.com

I'm so excited my broken Marriage has been restored and my Wife is back after a breakup, After 2 years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until she finally left me and moved to California to be with another man. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their mother again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my Wife. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr OBILUJESU can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my Wife really called me and told me that she miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for her mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before,All thanks to Dr OBILUJESU. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr. OBILUJESU real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband/wife moved to another woman/man, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Email him at: drobilujesuspellcaster@gmail.com or drobilujesuspellcaster@yahoo.com , VIA: webs;; http://drobilujesuspellcaster.webs.com/
you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348143481000 ,
Dwan Scott, 34 years, Texas, USA..

Dwunica Julia said...

my name is Dwunica Julia. my life is full of joy because Dr OTOIDE asked me to be happy What happened to me is not what i can keep only to myself but to also tell the world so that those that were once like me will get there love ones back and been happy once again. I and my lover had some issues which leads to our break up since after then my life has never been the same i tried all method to get Him back but they were just waste of effort and waste of time. But one day during my search on the Internet i came across someone testimony about Dr OTOIDE helped him to get his lover back so i contacted His email:drotoidesolutiontemple@gmail.com and to my greatest surprise Dr OTOIDE was able to bring back my lover within 23hours. With the great thing that happened in my life i decided to tell the whole world about this great man called Dr OTOIDE. For those in need of anything he told me that in his temple there is know impossibility now i believe him so much friends if you need help kindly contact him via email:mail:drotoidesolutiontemple@gmail.com or call him through his mobile number:+2347089081873 or contact him directly through his website:https://drotoidesolutionte.wixsite.com/dr-otoide

Barbara Jarvis said...

OMG!! This is certainly a shocking and a genuine Testimony..I visited a forum here on the Internet on the 20TH OF January 2015, And i saw a marvelous testimony of this powerful and great spell caster called Dr, FRED on the forum..I never believed it, because i never heard of anything about magic before.. Not a soul would have been able to influence me about magical spells, not until Dr,FRED did it for me and restored my marriage of 8 years back to me and brought my spouse back to me in the same 24 hours just as i read on the Internet..i was truly astonished and shocked when my husband knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back.. I am really short of expressions, and i don't know how much to convey my appreciation to you Dr, FRED you are a God sent to me and my entire family.. And now i am a joyful woman once again. here is his email address; geniusspells@outlook.com OR call him directly on his phone number +13017987711 or his website : http://geniusspells.webs.com

SIRI said...

ALL thanks to DR,KEN i never knew people still have powers and make things happened this way. My name is ANDY SIRI am from NORWAY. my lover Slay Scot left me for another girl for three months' ever since then my life have been filled with pains sorrow and heart break because he was my first love who dis virgin me when i was 21 years old, A friend of mine kiddo Matthew told me he saw some testimonies of this great Dr KEN that he can bring back lover within some few days, i laugh it out and said i am not interested but because of the love my friend had for me, she consulted this great priest on my behalf and to my greatest surprise after 24 hours my lover call me for the very first time after three months, that he is missing me and that he is so sorry for every thing he made me went through. i still can't believe it, because it highly unbelievable it just too real to be real. Thank you Dr KEN for bringing back my lover and also to my lovely friend who interceded on my behalf, for any one who might need the help of this great DR here is the email address: drkenspellcaster@aol.com OR call his telephone number +18038451572.

SIRI said...

ALL thanks to DR,KEN i never knew people still have powers and make things happened this way. My name is ANDY SIRI am from NORWAY. my lover Slay Scot left me for another girl for three months' ever since then my life have been filled with pains sorrow and heart break because he was my first love who dis virgin me when i was 21 years old, A friend of mine kiddo Matthew told me he saw some testimonies of this great Dr KEN that he can bring back lover within some few days, i laugh it out and said i am not interested but because of the love my friend had for me, she consulted this great priest on my behalf and to my greatest surprise after 24 hours my lover call me for the very first time after three months, that he is missing me and that he is so sorry for every thing he made me went through. i still can't believe it, because it highly unbelievable it just too real to be real. Thank you Dr KEN for bringing back my lover and also to my lovely friend who interceded on my behalf, for any one who might need the help of this great DR here is the email address: drkenspellcaster@aol.com OR call his telephone number +18038451572.