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Monday, 3 April 2017

The Secret Diary of a 23 Month Old (Part 38)

MONDAY
They keep telling me I need to share. ‘Learn to share, sweetie. Sharing’s nice.’ Then when I did share (the contents of my nappy with the sofa) they went fucking bananas. You can’t win with some people.

TUESDAY
Went the supermarket and called every other male adult Daddy. Very loudly. Think it pisses real Daddy off.

WEDNESDAY
I’ve been saying this for a while now but Postman Pat is an absolute knob. I’m only little and even I know he’d struggle to get his hands on a fucking plane. Love Peppa Pig though. What a role model. I hope I grow up to be just as obnoxious as her.

THURSDAY
Got told off today by Daddy. Laughed in his face. I refuse to have respect for anyone’s discipline when they’re also giggling behind their hand.

FRIDAY
The Big People need to understand that just because I’ve got shit in my pants doesn’t mean I need changing. The smell might be horrible but I honestly don’t mind. Plus I’m closer to the source so if anyone should be able to veto a nappy change it should be me.

SATURDAY
Mummy wouldn’t let me touch the radiator so I asked Daddy. He wouldn’t either. Touched it later when they weren’t looking. It was really fucking hot. Why did nobody stop me?

SUNDAY
Woke up extra early to plan new ways to twat my head. Came up with seven. Executed four and improvised the rest.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I'm also on Instagram...)