'A must' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 40)

MONDAY
Went to feed the ducks this morning. Had a mouthful of seeds when no-one was looking but they were proper minging. Tried to spit them out but they all got stuck to my mouth so started crying which made them stick to my face. Thankfully, managed to get back in the game with a couple of wet-wipes and a quick cuddle. Anyway, the ducks were all dead sound and happy to wait for the next handful but then this big mad goose came over and jumped the queue, flapping it’s wings and shouting like Rambo and I wasn’t bothered till it hissed right in Daddy’s face and then he picked me up and we started running and this goose was chasing us and then another one joined in and now there’s six of the mad fuckers chasing us across the mud and Daddy slipped in dog shit and his sandwich fell out of his bag so the geese all stopped and started fighting over it. I think Daddy was crying. He must have really wanted that sandwich.

TUESDAY
Had beans on toast for tea. Wasn’t in the mood so starting flicking food onto the floor. Daddy told me that I shouldn’t ‘flick the bean’ and then went red and tried to say it differently which made Mummy collapse in fits of laughter. I know my sense of humour is developing but how on earth is that funny?

WEDNESDAY
Had so much fun playing with a balloon. Throwing, kicking, grabbing, slapping. Sat on it for ages and rolled round on top. Humped it for a bit too, until Mummy stopped me. Sat on it again and was laughing my little head off till the bastard thing suddenly noisily disappeared. Shit me right up. Haven’t been that scared since I couldn’t find my willie in Starbucks.

THURSDAY
Didn’t touch my own food but demolished Mummy’s. What can I say? Food tastes nicer off other people’s plates. Fact.

FRIDAY
Today was total shit. Hated everything we did and every suggestion that was made. Daddy offered me a drink and I cried so hard I could feel myself withering away. Got so fucked off at one point I ran into the wall.

SATURDAY
Today was the day – I finally ran loose at the supermarket! Been planning it for ages: when to escape, where to go, how to evade recapture. Of course, in the heat of the moment the careful plan all went to shit so I just legged it down the aisle where they keep the bananas and dived behind the spam. I wasn’t sure they were even taking my escape seriously as they didn’t break into a jog or raise their voice until I tried to jump onto another trolley that was going the other way and that’s when they ran over and took me back into custody.

SUNDAY
Was playing with my trains in the lounge when I heard Daddy carefully pouring a bowl of cereal on the other side of the house through two closed doors and the telly on really loud. Ran into the kitchen and the coward hid the food behind his back. I cried and pointed to let him know the game was up and that I wasn’t leaving the room under any circumstances till he cut me into the deal. After what felt like literally seconds he said I could just have one but I managed to eat more than half the bowl. I love sharing.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram )

No comments: