'Hilarious' DAILY MAIL 'Very entertaining' SUNDAY TIMES 'Amazing and brutally honest...brilliant' THE LAD BIBLE

'A gifted storyteller...absorbing and very funny' THE LIST 'Destined for bigger things' CHORTLE

Wednesday, 28 June 2017

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.I'd rather tackle a burglar with a tickling stick than a soft play centre with a hangover.

2.Kids TV shows need warnings at the beginning. 'This programme contains scenes that some viewers may find incredibly irritating...'

3.My boys shared a womb for 8 months but now won't share a drink.

4.Kids might well 'eat for £1 at Harvester' but try leaving them there while you go shopping - the staff just freak out.

5.'How do you tell the twins apart, Sam?'
'Well, one likes cheese ON toast and the other likes cheese WITH toast.'

6.Our sofa now has more skid marks than Brands Hatch.

7.I set my alarm for 8am every morning, just so I can have a little chuckle when it goes off and I've already been awake for 3 fucking hours.

8.In fact, me and my wife now talk about lie-ins like something from a bygone era, like Blockbuster Video or mixtapes.

9.Toddlers will not sit and watch the BBC News Channel even when there's been a dramatic election.

10.Parenthood is the most beautiful trauma you will experience.

(I post my parent blog to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...you can also find me on Instagram )

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 43)

MONDAY
Started saying ‘NO!’ to everything. It’s exhilarating! When I think back to all those times I just went along with their helpful and loving suggestions – well, not anymore. I usually won’t even let them finish the question although sometimes it’s not even a question but I answer it anyway with a prompt and enraged ‘NO!’ and sometimes I wave my arms or do a little angry dance. Got offered a biscuit today and shouted ‘NO!’ even though I really meant yes because I love biscuits but I’ve discovered that being unreasonably obstructive is so enjoyable that it’s even more fun than actually eating biscuits which is maybe a diet technique that Daddy might want to try sometime soon.

TUESDAY
Daddy did a funny face and it was really funny and I laughed and he did it again and I laughed even more and then he did it a third time and not only did it instantly stop being funny, it immediately became offensive towards everything I stand for. I stopped laughing and shouted at him and he stopped. He sheepishly tried the same face later on but I stared at him and he quickly backed down.

WEDNESDAY
I wish they’d stop wiping my nose. My mouth does a fine job of catching any stray snot that’s running down my face and anything that doesn’t drip down is taken care of by my tongue or sleeve. I’m not crying because it hurts, you morons - you’re stunting my independence!

THURSDAY
Just discovered pockets. Bloody mental aren’t they?

FRIDAY
Didn’t eat any of my dinner so Mummy said I couldn’t have a yoghurt. In the confusion I only heard the word ‘yoghurt’ so understandably assumed I was getting said yoghurt. When she didn’t give me a yoghurt I did one of those cries where you feel like you’re going to choke on your own face so Mummy picked me up and I flung my head back into the wall. Hurt like fuck. Still no yoghurt. Waste of effort.

SATURDAY
Discovered a new game! It’s called ‘Keep-throwing-your-dummy-out-of-the-cot-so-that-the-big-people-keep-coming-upstairs-to-pick-it-up.’ The title needs work but you get the idea. Best part is watching their enthusiasm and mood deteriorate with every trip they make. Reckon this game could go global one day.

SUNDAY
Teddy bear’s picnic today. Had a lovely time mingling and pretending to drink tea and then a load of these old Care Bears that belonged to Mummy when she was little rocked up and started nicking all the tea and basically ruined everything. One of them was a talker but really low on batteries so when he spoke he sounded like the guy who lives on our street who Mummy says drinks too much and it was fucking terrifying.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram)

Sunday, 25 June 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 42)

MONDAY
Licked the telly when the ice cream advert came on. Hope Mummy doesn’t buy that brand as it tasted fucking horrible.

TUESDAY
I wish Daddy would get some pants that fit him. Every time I throw something on the floor he bends over and that hairy arsecrack is right in my face. At one point I thought I was about to meet a new sibling.

WEDNESDAY
At the park Daddy kept putting me on the little slide even though I’ve made it clear since I was about 8 months that the little slide is, quite simply, bollocks. Slumped down it a couple of times and then ran off towards the big slide. He said I couldn’t go on it and I was too little but I started climbing up the steps because sometimes I don’t care and there was kids behind me so he couldn’t get to me and he looked a bit worried but I knew I’d be okay and then I got to top of the steps and just as everyone was looking at me and it was my big moment to shine I suddenly and quite dramatically needed a poo so started squeezing out something that felt like the size of my head. Finished my poo and then slid down the big slide like a total champ but could feel it all squish around in my pants like hot play-doh so the whole experience was quite bitter-sweet to be honest.

THURSDAY
How dare the Big People give a book that I’m not reading and don’t like anyway to somebody else? Just because I’ve shown no interest, left the room and started doing something different doesn’t mean I’m not still reading it.

FRIDAY
When I grow up I’m going to design tables and make sure none of them have fucking corners on them. Bastards.

SATURDAY
Wanted to take Teddy to playgroup but they wouldn’t let me so I screamed and they gave me the old ‘he’ll be here when we get back’ horseshit. (They said the same thing about that snowman we built last year and he buggered off so quickly he even forgot his own nose, the fool!) I screamed and sobbed and lay down on the floor and kicked my legs but they stood firm so I kicked a bit more and then realised I was moving backwards across the carpet which hurt my back so I stopped kicking and just screamed louder instead. Was just about to stop because the whole scene was getting a little bit embarrassing and I didn’t want to miss playgroup but then they completely gave in and said I could take him. (Was pleased to learn this ‘Armageddon Tactic’ actually works as results have been mixed so far.) Anyway, it was great showing Teddy around playgroup. I introduced him to everyone and had a lovely time putting him in the cars and pushing him around. I love Teddy more than anything and I’d be lost without him although somehow managed to completely forget he existed so we left without him and I only realised when we were back in the car so we all had to get out again and rush back in and we couldn’t find him until I saw a little girl kissing him and feeding him cups of tea so I calmly explained to her there’d been a simple misunderstanding while I yelled and flung my arms about and grabbed Teddy’s legs but she wouldn’t let go and we’re both pulling at him and thankfully he ripped a bit and she lost her grip and fell over and we all went home.

SUNDAY
I’m sure I overheard them discussing taking my dummy away soon. If they remove my dummy, I’ll remove their remote control. Simple. We all have our vices.

(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram  )

Friday, 23 June 2017

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week


1. Hearing a mother angrily shout at HER KID who has YOUR NAME will shit you right up.

2. Until my kids were born I’d never witnessed a turd leaving it’s natural habitat. Now I've seen it more than Eastenders.

3. The most relaxing thing as a new parent is a hard day at work.

4. It’s worth having twins just to hear them blame farts on each other.

5. In the right mood, a two year old will still give you a really nice hug. And it’s the best 0.3 seconds of the day.

(I post regular blogs to my FB page...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram )

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 41)

MONDAY
Had the runs today. Arse was out of control. Every fart felt like Russian Roulette. At the dinner table I pushed out something that felt like soup so Daddy took my pants off and I sharted down his arm. He looked like Mummy when she tried that cheap spray tan.

TUESDAY
Started to feel sick at lunch so made sure I ate loads more food than usual and asked for seconds and drank extra juice. Was tucking into my third waffle when I did a weird cough which morphed into a puke which went on forever and definitely lasted longer than some of my naps. Tried to polish off the waffle in between bouts of retching but the bastards took it off me and then I puked all over my plate and they took that away even though I clearly hadn’t finished and I tried to tell them but they said eating your own sick is bad for you which is rubbish as I’ve seen the dog do it and he’s always wagging his tail.

WEDNESDAY
Woke up feeling brilliant. Stood up in cot, giggling my head off. Tripped over duvet. Twatted head on side of cot. Started crying. Mummy came in so I jumped up again, feeling better. With all the excitement and emotion I fell back and twatted my head a second time on the headboard. Started screaming. Godawful start to the day. The world can be a cruel place sometimes.

THURSDAY
Some of the banter in this house stinks worse than the nappy bin. Got asked today, ‘Are you eating a banana?’ Well Daddy, let’s review the evidence shall we? You’ve just given me a banana, and I’ve taken a bite out of said banana. So in summary, yes – I’m eating a fucking banana. How on earth you convinced Mummy to shack up with you with such woeful patter is frankly beyond me.

FRIDAY
Been experimenting with walking on my tip toes. It feels good. In fact, scratch that – it feels GREAT. Why doesn’t everyone do it? Plus now I can reach all the dangerous stuff they thought was out of reach, like wine and scissors.

SATURDAY
Slept in today till 5.20am. Felt quite lazy but sometimes you just need a bit of ‘me’ time to recharge the batteries.

SUNDAY
Did a poo today that was so difficult I’m pretty sure it came out sideways. Turned my face away from everyone so they wouldn’t know it was me but it proper stank so I denied it for ages and left the room for a bit to lie low and let the heat die down. Managed to evade the authorities for ages but then got stuck between the sofa and the bookcase so had to shout and wait for help to arrive and by then it had started climbing up my back so I kept denying it but then it started to leak so I blamed it on Mummy.

(I've been posting all the time on my FB page but have neglected to upload them to my website - apologies! And you can expect a flurry of blogs over the next week, Sam x)