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Sunday, 1 October 2017

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 45)

Right, I've been MEGA slack at updating this website because of all the book stuff. And the thing is, I've still been posting my blog on my Facebook page but just haven't transferred it over to here. So I'm going to play catch up and stick a daily post here until I'm up to date.

Starting with this one:


MONDAY
Dunked my toothbrush in the toilet and then popped it back in my mouth. Big People went mental. The way they reacted you’d think that nobody actually wears nappies around here and everyone shits in the toilet instead. Unbelievable.

TUESDAY
Wanted my coat on. Was told it was too hot. Got angry. They finally put my coat on. Was WAY too hot. Got REALLY angry. Took coat off. Screamed more. Felt embarrassed. Also suspected that I was too hot because I was so angry. Will try again when I'm not fuming.

WEDNESDAY
Spent ages in the car today, by my estimate about two years. Pretty much everything we own was crammed in there – it was more packed than my pants that time when I hadn’t shat in four days but then ate half a pack of fig rolls and unleashed hell in the middle of John Lewis. They packed that much stuff in the car and the Big People were so stressed I was sure we were moving house until they told me we were just going on holiday. Finally arrived at this cottage that looked like something off Postman Pat and I made sure to quickly run around and find all the danger spots before they had a chance to figure out what was going on. Slammed my fingers in a door, hid some keys and sat in the dishwasher before cooler heads prevailed and they stuck the telly on while they moved all the sharp objects.

THURSDAY
Went swimming which was loads of fun until we got into the changing room and Daddy clearly hadn’t planned how he was going to dry and dress the pair of us together. As a team player I did my bit by opening our changing room door constantly, crying and running away across the wet floor. Slipped over twice and hurt my arm and then Daddy tried to catch me but he slipped as well and he said some words that Mummy tells him not to say in front of me but I honestly don’t mind and hopefully I’ll be able to say them myself soon. Wanted to run off one last time so waiited till Daddy was completely bollocko so he couldn’t leave the changing room but he somehow managed to wrap his t-shirt around his bits and grab me so I pissed on his foot instead.

FRIDAY
Went swimming again but this time Mummy was with us and they brought biscuits for me to eat while they dressed me although why on earth they’d think anyone would want to actually eat food whilst watching their naked parents towel themselves down in front of them is beyond me. Managed to get past it though and ate four while sitting very still.

SATURDAY
Daddy tried to raise his voice at me today. It really is hilarious when he does that. I probably shouldn’t laugh in his face but he honestly hasn’t got a clue. Maybe I’ll pretend it works next time, give him a little boost.

SUNDAY
If we’re on holiday how come I’m still supposed to eat all the same disgusting food as back home while the Big People eat all this fancy stuff? Total bullshit. They think I haven't seen them eating secret biscuits while they stand at the sink but I know what's going on here.

MORE TOMORROW...

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